Open Letter: To You Who Love Me When I Couldn’t Love Myself

“To become whole is to love all of our parts.”

— Mark Groves

For the longest time, I have been wondering why I seem to have constantly been asking for reciprocated love and attention from those who are close to my heart. 

I have never fully understood until I’ve realized that I actually lack love for myself. I have always been that person who would tell other people to always be strong and to always choose theirselves first, but in reality, I unconsciously disobey my own words. 

To other people, I am just that brave and bubbly little girl who doesn’t care about the world, but to those I allow to see the real me, I am that woman who has been struggling to love herself for a long, long time but is willing to change her view of herself for her own good. I know my worth and I am aware that myself is my own enemy. I’m not going to stop seeking for love and attention from the people I love but I am going to start loving myself more. 

And all of these, I have realized because of you.

I can never measure how grateful I am for having you in my life. You have always been good for my soul since the very start, and that’s something I am really thankful for. You have never really left me, and although you are not physically here right now, it still feels like you are around, and that you have always been here all along.

You make me the happiest person in the world every time you give me your attention. I have never had anyone who actually paid enough attention on me before, and all of these emotions I am feeling now are still unfamilar to me.

I never knew how happy I could be to have someone like you in my life. I have never felt so much love and care before. No one has ever expressed any concern for me besides my family, and I am afraid that all of these good and positive emotions I have overwhelm me.

I am overwhelmed because I have never truly experienced these in the past. You are the first person who has actually accepted me for who I am. And now that you have seen even the darkest side of me, I am hoping that you will still love every part of me, and that no matter what happens, you will still be patient enough to put up with me.

I never want to doubt your intention. I want to trust you, and I am slowly  learning to. Many people have ruined my trust before, and even though I try to think positively about you all the time, I still have those moments when I think about just leaving you. I could never imagine leaving you, but I am also scared of being left behind.

I hope that you will never get tired of me, even at times when I annoy you so much. It is true when people say that the only enemy you have is yourself. I have been constantly battling with myself and I am doing my best to fight for you. My mind always tells me to just give up on myself, but my heart would always contradict and convince me to still go on, and that is also because of you.

You keep me holding on. You inspire me to be a better person. You bring light into my soul, and for that, I am massively thankful.

I am now able to appreciate myself the same way I appreciate you. I have to admit I still fail to see the good side of me at times, but I strive to always keep a positive mind. Thank you for being with me. I will never stop reminding you how much I appreciate everything you do, and I just hope you will never get tired hearing me say it.

Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself, and I will do my best to learn until I love myself as much as I love you.

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Open Letter: To Anyone Battling Anxiety Alone

I thought that if you just try to ignore everything that makes you feel anxious, worried and nostalgic…if you just keep thinking that everything is going to be fine…if you just keep reminding yourself how strong and brave you are, and that you can get through any hardships alone, your life will eventually be easier and better…but damn it, it doesn’t always get better when you force yourself to not feel something. The more you ignore a feeling that always comes back, the more you think about it and you will forever live with it like a troubled ghost that will never stay away.

You may have been having countless sleepless nights trying to think of a better way to let go of things, to let go of your anxieties and all the things that trigger them. It may be rather insensitive to plan out how you could forget the people you love or used to love and care about, but I know you feel as though it is the best solution especially when they are the reasons you feel stuck and not progressing.

When something doesn’t make you feel happy anymore, it’s just normal to seek for another thing that would make you feel happier or something that would bring back the happiness in your daily life. However, it is never a good thing to force yourself in a situation that constantly brings you down.

Battling your anxieties alone is the most difficult thing to do. You feel like no one understands you and that no one will ever actually listen to you when you share everything that troubles you. It is scary to trust people with your thoughts and what is even more scary is the thought that the people you trust and the people you expect to love you are the ones who are not scared to hurt and disappoint you.

So if you have to let go, let go, but you have to make sure it will make you happy in the end. Don’t ever force yourself to feel something you don’t actually feel. Don’t pretend you are not sad or lonely. Don’t hide your anger and disappointment. Don’t fake your happiness.

You deserve an eternal happiness. You deserve psychological stability. You deserve to have peace of mind.

Speak up. Express your thoughts. Express your feelings. But don’t force yourself to open up to just anyone who tells you you can trust them. Trust is being earned, and not presumed.

Open Letter: Just Let Them Go

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How many times have you blamed yourself for whatever happened to people you used to care about? Has this helped you feel better in any way? I sure am not. Hence, instead of constantly blaming yourself for a failed relationship or friendship, it would be better for you to just let go. Let go of people. Let go of yourself. Let go of your feelings. But when do you know it is time to let go and which people do you need to disassociate yourself with?

WHO TO LET GO

01 That person who ONLY talks to you when s/he needs something from you.

Sometimes you meet someone and at first, things go really well between the two of you…until you notice that you have started talking to each other less and less. And one day, this person comes to you and asks you for help. Of course, being the good person that you are, you will help him/her, and s/he goes on with his/her life once again.

02 That person who only talks about himself/herself.

This person does not ask about you after you ask her how his/her day has been. This is the person who does not ask for your opinion or reaction right after s/he shares his/hers and would go on talking until s/he can’t say anything anymore.

03 That person who only listens so s/he could talk, or that friend who doesn’t listen at all.

Yes, s/he listens to you, but only because s/he wants to say something about it. Sometimes, s/he even pretends to listen and becomes impatient and hurry you up, so s/he could finally share his/her thoughts.

04 That person who only sees you as a rebound friend, manipulates you and guilt-trips you.

S/he only knows you when his/her other friends are not around,and s/he tries to manipulate you to get what s/he wants. S/he constantly asks for your attention when  no one is giving it to him/her, and would guilt-trip you when s/he is not getting anything from you.

05 That person who only remembers you during the bad times.

I mean…it is very nice to think that someone remembers you during their bad days, but if they are only there with you because they know you would help them feel better, is that still a good thing? Definitely not. This person would surely forget you exist once their bad days are over.

06 That person who only sees your bad qualities and does not recognize the good things you have done.

There are people who always see the best in you, while there are also some who only remember you for your bad qualities. Everyone has their own dark side, but if a person only sees the bad in you, and does not recognize that you also have good qualities, then you will just spend your life trying to figure out why this person does not see you the way others do.

07 That person whose behavior changes according to people s/he is with.

We cannot avoid meeting and interacting with someone whose behavioral acts differ according to the people they are with. One time, they are so good around you, and the next time they are with another group of people, they change, and they treat you a bit differently.

08 That person who forgets to invite you.

There is nothing more painful than not being invited to a party, an outing, an event or even to dinner by someone you expect to be your friend. It makes you feel like you are just an option and your presence does notreally matter that much.

09 That person who doesn’t bother to call when you are sick or when you are in a terrible situation.

This person wouldn’t dare to call because s/he doesn’t care whether or not you are coping up well or not.

10 That person who does not care whether or not you let go of him/her.

It is hard to accept, but there are people who do not see our importance in their lives. If you do not matter to someone, then s/he wouldn’t care whether or not you stay or leave.

At first, you will of course try your best to work things out, but if it doesn’t work out and you’re the only one trying to make an effort, then have a little respect for yourself and open your eyes to the fact that it is not going to work out anymore.

Letting go of these kinds of people are sometimes the best thing one can do. It may make you look selfish and insensitive, but you have to remember that before you have to offer your love and trust to people, you have to trust and love youself first. You have to focus on what makes you happy, and remember not to give everything, as it may just cause you pain in the long run.

Don’t ever blame yourself for a failed relationship. Don’t be so hard on yourself. People come and go, and it isn’t your fault. Sometimes people have to leave because it is for the best.

When your relationship or your friendship is no longer growing, but is slowly going down the drain instead, and you can no longer do anything to work it out, letting go is sometimes the better option than staying and letting the relationship ruin each of you.

When you decide to let go of the people that once meant so much to you, sometimes you won’t help but feel guilty. You feel guilty for letting things get in the way. You’d also probably feel like a loser because you are choosing to give up.

But no…giving up doesn’t always make you a loser. It makes you a winner because you have the courage and strength to let go of something that was very important to you, but doesn’t see your importance.

You have to remember that you are one special piece of snowflake, and you, just like everyone else, deserve better.

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You Can Do Better

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She has yet to learn
the things you already knew
She knows she is young --


Mind your own business
No one is doing you harm
You don't have to hate


You think you know her
But you overanalyze 
Like a psycho bitch


You are beautiful
Though only in the surface
You can do better.

 

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Note: This is probably the most shallow haiku series I have ever done, but I need to express myself in written words to make myself and everyone out there who are often misjudged feel better. Sometimes people are really so judgmental and insensitive, and you just gotta learn how to be strong on your own and not care much about them. Just because they know a bit of your life, they assume that they already know everything that’s in your heart, mind, and soul. I know that these people are hard to avoid, and things like this happen…but how I wish people stop analyzing other people’s way of living and just mind their own selves.

All That I’ve Got

I need something else

Would someone please just give me

Hit me, knock me out

And let me go back to sleep

— All That I’ve Got – The Used
My mornings usually start with looking at my phone and finding a message from my sister, and my nights usually end with another message from her reminding me how much she loves and misses me. She does this even at times I don’t get a chance to respond to her.

I have always thought that my sister is the most misunderstood member in our family. Our dad’s family has always seen her as the black sheep, psycho granddaughter, niece, daughter, cousin and sister. They think of her as someone who shouldn’t be imitated, despite the praises they give her for being so smart in school.

I remember them reminding me not to be like her. I remember myself reassuring them I won’t, although in my mind, I know that my sister is the best and I am very proud of her.

I could not blame our relatives for calling her a black sheep and for seeing her that way. She has always been the one who goes against rules when she knows that these rules violate her right as a person. I think I may have gotten that attitude from her.

My sister has a personality disorder, and she has been through a lot of traumatic events in her life. She has suffered more than I have, yet she remains to be my strength. I couldn’t be any more proud of having her as my sister. I get anxious and really depressed every single second but every time she tells me she loves me, I feel a whole lot better.

It’s a little bit funny because I know how often she gets depressed, yet she always seems so happy every time she texts me or calls me on the phone. In fact, she always sounds so cheerful and enthusiastic. I admire her ability to cover what she really feels deep inside her. I know her too well. I know she has negative thoughts and that she has still been fighting off her demons. She is doing a really good job in hiding it.

I have to admit that behind these self-strength posts I always write is an anxious and depressive woman who continuously tries to battle all the things that makes her feel bad about herself.

Every day, just like what my sister does, I do my best to be the better version of myself. I try to smile, to laugh, and to think of myself as a strong person. Sometimes I fail, but every time I do, I think of my sister and remember how she, herself, has done her best to be better, to think positively and to be happy despite every thing.

I know that we’re not perfect. We make stupid mistakes, but these mistakes help us learn and grow day by day. My sister doesn’t have to remind me to learn from her, but I do remember how she never lets her past hinder her from being the amazing person that she is.

Sometimes, we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes, we learn from others. Sometimes, we grow on our own. Sometimes, we grow with others. ❤️

I’ll be just fine

Pretending I’m not

I’m far from lonely

And it’s all that I’ve got.

Beauty in Her Eyes

She looked at her dress

the way a little girl stared at a popsicle;

Amazed by its color and beauty, 

unaware of her own magnificence.

Five Non-Physical Things One Needs to Get Rid of As A Minimalist

I just disposed my no-longer-working computer today. It has served me great seven years, and I am glad I have maximized its use really well. As I type these words on my aunt’s computer, Pretty Girl is showing on the TV, and I am sitting down with a cup of decaffeinated coffee in my left hand, my legs fully covered in the long skirt my grandmother gave me earlier today. It is a long flowy skirt that covers the entire half-bottom part of my body. I could sleep in it tonight, and not need a blanket or a comforter. While half of my body is fully covered, I only have a bandeau wrapped around my chest. Isn’t it ironic? Well, I like ironic. Ironic is me. I breathe it. I live in it.

While I have been trying to decrease the amount of physical things (mostly clothes) I have, I still couldn’t refuse people when they gift me stuff I think I don’t necessarily need. I still have the loot bag full of goodies my former colleagues gave me when I left my full-time job last month. I haven’t really checked them out yet in fear of just making a clutter around my room.

I tried to write down a few things I need to get rid of today, and while I was having an existential contemplation, I realized that it wasn’t only the material things I have that I need to remove from my life. We also need to cut down on those things that are not obvious to the naked eye.

Five Non-Physical Things You Need to Get Rid Of

01 Pessimism/Negative Vibration

As a minimalist, I think that the very first thing you have to do is to keep an open mind. Hence, it is very important to get rid of all the negativities you have.

I have to admit I have been failing at this area, so I need to think more positively so I could effectively maintain a minimalist life.

02 Worries/Anxieties

The things you worry or get anxious about will only cause you stress, and when you get stressed out, you will surely not be able to carry out things you have to do.

As a very anxious person, I find this very difficult to accomplish. I do, however, try to keep a positive mind, so I know I can do this no matter how hard it is.

03 People

A friend of mine who is also a minimalist explained to me the importance of keeping some people out of your circle. While it is important to meet people, socialize and grow your network, it is also important that those who are in your circle are only those who actually matter.

Sometimes we meet people and we can’t immediately tell whether or not they’re actually who we think they are. Those people who matter are usually those who you think you can be comfortable being with, those you trust and those who trust and respect you back, those who appreciate you and accept you for who you are, and those who love you unconditionally.

04 Bad Attitude/Compulsive Behavior

The one thing that keeps us from people who have naturally good intention for us is a bad attitude and a compulsive behavior. This is because it scares away people, and you may lose the chance of meeting people who will actually serve good purpose in your life.

05 Anger

I think that staying angry at people who have done you wrong, or just being mad for no reason is useless. It will just slow you down.

To be able to get rid of this, you have to try and push yourself to forgive even when you think you will never be able to forget about it.

These are just some of the things I think are very important to focus on, and get rid of as a minimalist. Sometimes we pay more attention to physical things so much so that we overlook and forget the things that we also need to consider.

What non-physical things do you think should be added here? Let me know on the comment section below! ❤️

A Little Thought on Commitment

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Sometimes people do not want to commit to you regardless of how much they like you or how good you make them feel.

Sometimes they just suddenly stay away from you or stop loving you further to save themselves from vulnerability. It is simply a selfish and nonsensical reason.

Does the inability to commit yourself to someone you like affect your maturity when it comes to relationships? I am not sure; but I do know that when people cannot commit themselves yet, it reflects their willingness and preparedness to take risks.

They.

Are.

Not.

Yet.

Ready.

When they think they aren’t ready yet, when will they be?

“In time,” they may say.

“In time” may take forever.

When you fall, it just happens. You cannot plan nor set a schedule for it.

It is okay to allow yourself to feel vulnerable sometimes. It shows that you can feel something. It shows that you can feel pain, and that you’re human. It is okay to have someone to make you feel that way. You can love, and you shouldn’t stop yourself from feeling it.

And if someone decides to stay away from you, or stops loving you further because of reasons unknown, it isn’t going to be your fault.

Continue being adorable. You are an awesome-azingly beautiful human being. ❤

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A Letter to Myself and to Everyone Out There

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Dear you!

You are my lover, my friend, my family. You are myself, and you are my everything. When everyone else leaves, you are all I have left.

It breaks my heart to see how much you have been struggling with work and your relationship with people lately. I know how hard it could be to be in your shoes, and what gives me more pain is the fact that you think no one can be there for you when you need someone to talk to; and it is sad to know how often you give in to your anxiety every single time..

But this I say to you…

You will be okay.

I believe in your abilities to make yourself feel better on your own. You have lived through the years and you get by every day. I know sometimes you feel like ending all of your problems permanently, but you still choose to live and to love yourself every single day. That is just one proof of how strong you are.

You are strong. You will get through anything.

I know you often think no one will ever love you truthfully. I beg to disagree. Even right from the start, you already have many people adoring and loving you even from afar. I know you think that you would rather be alone than having people around you make you feel isolated.

Do not be scared to burn bridges. Do not be afraid of letting people go. Not everyone you love actually deserves your love; and no matter what negative things they say about you, I want you to stand your ground, and always think of your happiness first. You are allowed to give up on others just as long as you do not give up on yourself.

Do not settle for anyone who makes you question your morals, your values, especially your worth. You know your worth, and you know what makes you genuinely happy. Do not ever compromise your worth and happiness for anyone.

I know, for sure, that one day, someone will come along. S/he will make you feel the love you have been longing to have all over again. Don’t ever hold yourself back the way you did before. Just because you have failed in love so many times in the past doesn’t mean you can never allow yourself to fall again. Just because you have been hurt doesn’t mean you will experience the same exact pain you had.

I want you to never let anyone, not even the people you love the most, affect you so much that you lose control of yourself. Do not let people, the Church and the entire society dictate who you are and who you should be. You have lived without asking major help from anyone because you have always been responsible for yourself. You know what is right and what is wrong.

I know that you commit mistakes and that is inevitable. You are just a human, after all. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop feeling like all you do is wrong. Remember the lessons you always learn from committing your mistakes, and never regret the things you actually wanted to do.

I want you to always fight for what you think is right. Never complain without figuring out whether or not you are in the right position to do so. I want you to open your heart and listen to the people around you without immediately judging them. I want you to be critical all the time without taking away other people’s rights to defend themselves.

I want you to keep being strong, to keep living, to keep doing what you love to do. You are still young, and there are still lots of good things out there waiting for you to notice.

I want you to smile. I want you to give love without asking it back. I want your heart to remain pure.

You will be okay.

You are strong. You will get through anything.

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Be The Amazing Person You Have Always Been

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Be the amazing person you have always been. It is nice to have someone as your role model. Doing so will help you get inspired, and be motivated every single day. But the thing is, it also lets you develop the habit of comparing yourself to other people every now and then, and comparing can be too constricting.

Why compare yourself with someone, when you can just be yourself, do what you gotta do, and be who you want to be, without living under the impression that others are better than you? You are unique. You are special. You don’t have to be like anyone. Be you. Be whoever you want to be without being pressured to be like somebody.

A professor of mine once told me that once you feel low and you feel like comparing yourself with other people, you have to remember that while other people possess something better than you do, you also have something that is considered better than what the others have.

You also have to remember that the people around you are not your enemy. Your real enemy is yourself. You are the one who let other people’s actions and words get in your head. You are the one who let them affect you. Once you learn to recognize that, you will also learn how to free and let go of yourself.

I am writing this not only for everyone, but also for myself. I need to remind myself to always be who I am despite of what people tell me. I need to remember not to let others dictate what I should do, how I should act, and who I should be.

In the past, I had been hurt quite a lot of times by people whose words I used to care about. I had been told I wasn’t good enough, and that I wasn’t pretty enough just like the others. It took me a long time to realize that all the things I lack of are actually the things that make me special.

And right now, I feel blessed and thankful for who and what I am.

I am thankful for having a big, wavy hair that is even bigger than my face. Because of it, I don’t have to worry about losing hair, and I never have to actually comb my hair.

I am thankful for having a naturally-tan skin because then, I never have to worry about getting too dark under the sun because I already am, or worry about attempting to get fairer skin that will make me paler than the moon. Having pale skin is overrated.

I am thankful for being genetically skinny and tiny because then, the only thing I have to worry about is keeping my body healthy and strong.

I am thankful for being independent, for being able to freely express my thoughts, for having the chance to share what I have, and for being a free-spirit.

All of these things were actually pointed out to me as my flaws before, and I know there will always be those people who will continuously think of them as flaws. But right now, I am thankful for everything that I am because if not, no one else will (besides my parents, of course haha).

Like me, you can do this, too, but you can do it your own way. Be the amazing person you have always been.

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