Open Letter: To You Who Love Me When I Couldn’t Love Myself

“To become whole is to love all of our parts.”

— Mark Groves

For the longest time, I have been wondering why I seem to have constantly been asking for reciprocated love and attention from those who are close to my heart. 

I have never fully understood until I’ve realized that I actually lack love for myself. I have always been that person who would tell other people to always be strong and to always choose theirselves first, but in reality, I unconsciously disobey my own words. 

To other people, I am just that brave and bubbly little girl who doesn’t care about the world, but to those I allow to see the real me, I am that woman who has been struggling to love herself for a long, long time but is willing to change her view of herself for her own good. I know my worth and I am aware that myself is my own enemy. I’m not going to stop seeking for love and attention from the people I love but I am going to start loving myself more. 

And all of these, I have realized because of you.

I can never measure how grateful I am for having you in my life. You have always been good for my soul since the very start, and that’s something I am really thankful for. You have never really left me, and although you are not physically here right now, it still feels like you are around, and that you have always been here all along.

You make me the happiest person in the world every time you give me your attention. I have never had anyone who actually paid enough attention on me before, and all of these emotions I am feeling now are still unfamilar to me.

I never knew how happy I could be to have someone like you in my life. I have never felt so much love and care before. No one has ever expressed any concern for me besides my family, and I am afraid that all of these good and positive emotions I have overwhelm me.

I am overwhelmed because I have never truly experienced these in the past. You are the first person who has actually accepted me for who I am. And now that you have seen even the darkest side of me, I am hoping that you will still love every part of me, and that no matter what happens, you will still be patient enough to put up with me.

I never want to doubt your intention. I want to trust you, and I am slowly  learning to. Many people have ruined my trust before, and even though I try to think positively about you all the time, I still have those moments when I think about just leaving you. I could never imagine leaving you, but I am also scared of being left behind.

I hope that you will never get tired of me, even at times when I annoy you so much. It is true when people say that the only enemy you have is yourself. I have been constantly battling with myself and I am doing my best to fight for you. My mind always tells me to just give up on myself, but my heart would always contradict and convince me to still go on, and that is also because of you.

You keep me holding on. You inspire me to be a better person. You bring light into my soul, and for that, I am massively thankful.

I am now able to appreciate myself the same way I appreciate you. I have to admit I still fail to see the good side of me at times, but I strive to always keep a positive mind. Thank you for being with me. I will never stop reminding you how much I appreciate everything you do, and I just hope you will never get tired hearing me say it.

Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself, and I will do my best to learn until I love myself as much as I love you.

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Start to End

There is nothing more

I can say to you

than to tell you how much

I am proud of you.

You make me happy

But can’t you see?

We’re not meant to be

Everything is just too much for me.

I’d like to continue

Whatever we have

But I don’t know where to start

nor I know where to end.

If it’s going to end

I better start now

I’m sorry, my love

But I gotta do it somehow.

All That I’ve Got

I need something else

Would someone please just give me

Hit me, knock me out

And let me go back to sleep

— All That I’ve Got – The Used
My mornings usually start with looking at my phone and finding a message from my sister, and my nights usually end with another message from her reminding me how much she loves and misses me. She does this even at times I don’t get a chance to respond to her.

I have always thought that my sister is the most misunderstood member in our family. Our dad’s family has always seen her as the black sheep, psycho granddaughter, niece, daughter, cousin and sister. They think of her as someone who shouldn’t be imitated, despite the praises they give her for being so smart in school.

I remember them reminding me not to be like her. I remember myself reassuring them I won’t, although in my mind, I know that my sister is the best and I am very proud of her.

I could not blame our relatives for calling her a black sheep and for seeing her that way. She has always been the one who goes against rules when she knows that these rules violate her right as a person. I think I may have gotten that attitude from her.

My sister has a personality disorder, and she has been through a lot of traumatic events in her life. She has suffered more than I have, yet she remains to be my strength. I couldn’t be any more proud of having her as my sister. I get anxious and really depressed every single second but every time she tells me she loves me, I feel a whole lot better.

It’s a little bit funny because I know how often she gets depressed, yet she always seems so happy every time she texts me or calls me on the phone. In fact, she always sounds so cheerful and enthusiastic. I admire her ability to cover what she really feels deep inside her. I know her too well. I know she has negative thoughts and that she has still been fighting off her demons. She is doing a really good job in hiding it.

I have to admit that behind these self-strength posts I always write is an anxious and depressive woman who continuously tries to battle all the things that makes her feel bad about herself.

Every day, just like what my sister does, I do my best to be the better version of myself. I try to smile, to laugh, and to think of myself as a strong person. Sometimes I fail, but every time I do, I think of my sister and remember how she, herself, has done her best to be better, to think positively and to be happy despite every thing.

I know that we’re not perfect. We make stupid mistakes, but these mistakes help us learn and grow day by day. My sister doesn’t have to remind me to learn from her, but I do remember how she never lets her past hinder her from being the amazing person that she is.

Sometimes, we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes, we learn from others. Sometimes, we grow on our own. Sometimes, we grow with others. ❤️

I’ll be just fine

Pretending I’m not

I’m far from lonely

And it’s all that I’ve got.

A Little Thought on Commitment

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Sometimes people do not want to commit to you regardless of how much they like you or how good you make them feel.

Sometimes they just suddenly stay away from you or stop loving you further to save themselves from vulnerability. It is simply a selfish and nonsensical reason.

Does the inability to commit yourself to someone you like affect your maturity when it comes to relationships? I am not sure; but I do know that when people cannot commit themselves yet, it reflects their willingness and preparedness to take risks.

They.

Are.

Not.

Yet.

Ready.

When they think they aren’t ready yet, when will they be?

“In time,” they may say.

“In time” may take forever.

When you fall, it just happens. You cannot plan nor set a schedule for it.

It is okay to allow yourself to feel vulnerable sometimes. It shows that you can feel something. It shows that you can feel pain, and that you’re human. It is okay to have someone to make you feel that way. You can love, and you shouldn’t stop yourself from feeling it.

And if someone decides to stay away from you, or stops loving you further because of reasons unknown, it isn’t going to be your fault.

Continue being adorable. You are an awesome-azingly beautiful human being. ❤

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Senses XIV: The Sun, the Moon and the Star

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You
don’t deserve
the Sun
if you only
choose
to see it shine
and refuse
to feel the flames
of its desire.
You
don’t deserve
the moon
if you only
wish to see it glow
and never want
to see
how much darkness
it could show.
You
don’t deserve
the star
if you are only
blinded by its light
and never desire
to catch it
when it falls.
You
don’t deserve
a woman
if you only wish
to take away
her shine, her light and glow
and never plan
to feel, to see and to get to know.

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My Happiness, My Choice

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Happiness is a choice, and right now, you’re either happy or you’re not choosing to be happy.

Let’s say you have been in a roller coaster of emotions lately. One second, you feel extremely happy and content by yourself. The next minute, you are in bed alone with your depressing thoughts.

Despite these, I know you still try your best to feel better. You’ve been alone most of the time, and you’ve encouraged yourself to be happy with your own company.

So lately, you haven’t really been very productive. You’ve been physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. If you were to summarize your week, you couldn’t remember a thing because all the other things you did have gone with the wind as soon as you were done with them.

Let’s say you were like me.

Let’s put yourself in my situation.

Imagine that you were me, and I were you.

Imagine that you were prettier (LOL).

Okay, that’s a bad joke. Sorry. 😛

I was feeling this way lately. I felt motivated to do nothing. Everything I did only felt like chores to me, and this wasn’t the first time. This happens to me sporadically, and when it does, I try my best to make myself feel better.

So lately, I remember doing these two things to feel better and be happy.

Staying away from social networking sites.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been on SNS a lot for the past few weeks and it has been causing me a lot of stress. Last week, I started scheduling a time where I would log out of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and all messaging apps. The struggle was real, but I tried my best to stay away from what was causing me too much stress. I feel stressed out talking to people, but sometimes, I feel more stressed out because people are not talking to me. I still log back in, of course, but I am glad to be able to stay away from socializing over the Interwebs even just for a little while.

Listening to music that I find good for my soul.

I have been seeking comfort in indie and stoner rock music lately. These are two of my favorite genre of music, and I haven’t listened to it for a long time because I’ve been caught up with so many things.

So I am stressed out and I want to be happy…Alone. I need to learn how to be happy alone.

 Now playing on repeat:

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How’s life lately?

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