Start to End

There is nothing more

I can say to you

than to tell you how much

I am proud of you.

You make me happy

But can’t you see?

We’re not meant to be

Everything is just too much for me.

I’d like to continue

Whatever we have

But I don’t know where to start

nor I know where to end.

If it’s going to end

I better start now

I’m sorry, my love

But I gotta do it somehow.

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II Senses II: Craving

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I crave for
a love
I have never
felt before;
for a smile
no one
could ever ignore;
for a touch
only your
hands could
make;
for warm,
tight squeezes
for goodnight kisses
for morning greetings
for your body
pressed
against my back
every sunset
every sunrise
I crave
for you to crave
for me
the way plants
crave for sunlight
during rainy season
the way nightwalkers
wait for the sun
to move down
the horizon
during the
summer solstice —
strong,
impatient,
vulnerable,
yet intense.

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Petals

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I got rid of all my petals

Only to find out

I just wasted my love.

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Senses XIX: Never Stop

It’s no longer a secret

how much I love you —

I love you so much

I find it hard to breathe;

I love you so much

I long for you

even with the shortest

distance between us;

I love you so much

I can never stop

staring at you —

your beautiful brown eyes,

your face,

your shoulder,

your arms,

your body;

I love you so much

I can never stop secretly

admiring your beauty;

I love you so much

And I will never ever stop

even when the day comes

you want me

to stop breathing for you.

A Letter to Myself and to Everyone Out There

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Dear you!

You are my lover, my friend, my family. You are myself, and you are my everything. When everyone else leaves, you are all I have left.

It breaks my heart to see how much you have been struggling with work and your relationship with people lately. I know how hard it could be to be in your shoes, and what gives me more pain is the fact that you think no one can be there for you when you need someone to talk to; and it is sad to know how often you give in to your anxiety every single time..

But this I say to you…

You will be okay.

I believe in your abilities to make yourself feel better on your own. You have lived through the years and you get by every day. I know sometimes you feel like ending all of your problems permanently, but you still choose to live and to love yourself every single day. That is just one proof of how strong you are.

You are strong. You will get through anything.

I know you often think no one will ever love you truthfully. I beg to disagree. Even right from the start, you already have many people adoring and loving you even from afar. I know you think that you would rather be alone than having people around you make you feel isolated.

Do not be scared to burn bridges. Do not be afraid of letting people go. Not everyone you love actually deserves your love; and no matter what negative things they say about you, I want you to stand your ground, and always think of your happiness first. You are allowed to give up on others just as long as you do not give up on yourself.

Do not settle for anyone who makes you question your morals, your values, especially your worth. You know your worth, and you know what makes you genuinely happy. Do not ever compromise your worth and happiness for anyone.

I know, for sure, that one day, someone will come along. S/he will make you feel the love you have been longing to have all over again. Don’t ever hold yourself back the way you did before. Just because you have failed in love so many times in the past doesn’t mean you can never allow yourself to fall again. Just because you have been hurt doesn’t mean you will experience the same exact pain you had.

I want you to never let anyone, not even the people you love the most, affect you so much that you lose control of yourself. Do not let people, the Church and the entire society dictate who you are and who you should be. You have lived without asking major help from anyone because you have always been responsible for yourself. You know what is right and what is wrong.

I know that you commit mistakes and that is inevitable. You are just a human, after all. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop feeling like all you do is wrong. Remember the lessons you always learn from committing your mistakes, and never regret the things you actually wanted to do.

I want you to always fight for what you think is right. Never complain without figuring out whether or not you are in the right position to do so. I want you to open your heart and listen to the people around you without immediately judging them. I want you to be critical all the time without taking away other people’s rights to defend themselves.

I want you to keep being strong, to keep living, to keep doing what you love to do. You are still young, and there are still lots of good things out there waiting for you to notice.

I want you to smile. I want you to give love without asking it back. I want your heart to remain pure.

You will be okay.

You are strong. You will get through anything.

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Never Again

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You saw the weak side of me —
the side I would never let anyone uncover
but I let you in and showed you
the things only I was supposed to know
only to be used by you against me later on
It was a mistake that cannot be undone;
it was a lesson that cannot be unlearned
it was something that I can never take back
and something I won’t dare do again.

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You

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I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I’ve been trying not to because I know how frustrated this would make me. So many times I find myself coming to a conclusion that I should stop. We should stop…but then I also have this tendency to convince myself to give it a try, go with the flow and see where this will take me.

I find myself falling for the things I get to know about you day by day, and it is weird how I also fall for the things I haven’t known about you yet. I keep seeing the good and the best in you, and while I am not sure if this is a good thing to do, I have also been trying to discover the worst things about you. I want to be convinced that you, despite your almost-perfect qualities, also possess something dark and diabolical.

I want something to convince me that I do not and should not like you. I want to see something that would easily and immediately make me stop from getting close to you.

But then, I am failing…

I’ve seen the things I do not like about you, personality-wise, yet I am still drawn to you. I’ve come to like even the seemingly ugliest side of you.

You.

You constrain my eudaimonia; yet you make my soul flourish.

You make my thoughts all rumbled up; yet you keep me sane.

You make my heart create its own fantasy-based reality; yet you are the reason my heart flutters like it has its own pair of wings every time.

Seven thousand miles…

That is all it has to take. I need air. I cannot breathe.

You’re getting too close.

I am getting too close.

We…are getting too close.

I am not liking the electric feeling that is radiating from you towards me across the pacific.

What do we call this? This isn’t love. It is too early to fall in love. But isn’t it also too early to fall out of love?

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Winter in My Heart

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I create my own problems.

I’ve known this fact about me for a very long time now. When everything goes the way I want it to, I find a way to create a problem and dwell on it until it’s gone.

The weather has been extremely bad during the past few days. Sometimes it is too hot. Sometimes it is too cold. Sometimes it rains so heavily, sometimes it is too sunny. These changes in the weather apparently affects me a lot. I have noticed some drastic changes in the way I think, act and behave.

How many times have I complained about the cold lately? Too many.

It’s too cold. I am freezing.

I have said this too many times to everyone around me. I have even sent it as a message to the people close to me.

You’re freezing? That’s odd. You’ve never felt too cold before.

My best friend replied, reminding me about how I dress. She is right. Usually, I never really feel the cold even in zero-degree places. I am accustomed to dressing light, and even when it is freezing outside, I still wear short dresses, high-waist shorts and sleeveless tops.

Maybe it’s just your heart.

She replied one more time. This line hit me right both in the head and in my heart.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s just my heart and my mind battling with reality. It’s so cold, yes, literally…that is right, but it is not the weather that really makes me feel so cold.

There’s winter in my heart…

And my mind is trying to find a way to battle it. I need fire to counteract it.

I need love…

But I don’t want it.

I don’t want love because when I start wanting it, I keep giving it all without expecting anything in return. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to make memories because I know that these memories will leave me haunted when the love is gone.

And so right at this moment, I may be destroying my chance of being loved.

I don’t want to create memories with anyone. I am scared of vulnerability. I have been in that state too many times before. The more I spend time with someone I really like, the more I fall into the abyss of loving that person, and the more that my desire for his/her love and all of his/her attention grows, and the least thing I want right now is for that person to feel suffocated. And so, I keep trying to push anyone away. Today, I may not want to talk to you or spend time with you, and then tomorrow, I may find myself annoying you with my “heys”, and asking for your love and attention.

It is too cold. Maybe you can give me your love to warm me up.

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Senses X: Lost Feelings

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I want to write you a poem
that would make you feel loved
but neither could I fathom
nor express the feelings I have
for you right at this moment
I could love you today
and hate you tomorrow
I could get drunk and kiss you
and then push you away
I could say all the things
you want me to say
and leave you expecting,
parching, starving
looking for love that got lost
before it even began
right under these sheets.

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Systole

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Tiny veins contracting
Blood ceaselessly pumping
Into beating hearts causing systole
A sign of life; a sign of normality
But, you know what’s not?
How I feel for you
when I see your lips curve upwards
my heart ceases to contract
my blood refuses to pump
my heart has a mind on its own
and decides to skip a beat
I forget my heart actually exists
and when I feel your skin against mine
I remember it is you
who makes my heart complete.

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Won’t Be Coming Back

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I love you, but I won’t be coming back.

Not today. Not tomorrow. Not anymore.

We no longer share each other’s values.

We don’t inspire each other to be the better version of ourselves.

Making each other smile is not our priority anymore.

We now doubt the possibility of us being together in the future.

We no longer love each other as much as we did before.

We don’t want each other anymore.

You love me, but I know you won’t be coming back.

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This piece is written especially for someone close to me. Darling, if you’re reading this, I know you’re as much stronger as you were before. You’ve been through a lot, and that means you’ll get through anything. 🙂 I’m not asking you to do what I do, or to be like me. I am asking you to stand your ground, and let go of what’s been constraining you. After all, we’re just humans and we live differently. ❤

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Don’t Worry.

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Right after I published my latest post about power clinging last night, I felt the sudden urge of loneliness and hatred rushing through my veins. I remained static in my seat as I felt my heart suddenly break into pieces. I was okay. I was happy and content while writing.

But I’ve always had problems keeping my emotions and thoughts in check.

I am not emotionally healthy.

I am not mentally fit.

“You are smart, and you are strong.”

I told myself many times as I tried to calm myself down.

“You are not okay. You have to let it all out.”

My mind told me so. And so I clenched my fists until my fingernails brought a searing but satisfying pain into my palms. I knocked the wall next to me three times. I stood up and walked out. I went to see my friends who were practicing their dance at that time — a dance that I taught them. I was supposed to guide them and dance with them.

But everything seemed so wrong.

Something was wrong, and it was making me feel uneasy.

I sat down watching them. They all looked so happy. I felt my heart harden, refusing to feel anything at all.

I decided to walk out again.

What was wrong with me, you might ask.

Nothing.

Nothing was wrong.

Everything was okay.

Everything is okay.

This has been my problem ever since I was young.

I am not emotionally healthy.

I am not mentally fit.

But you know what? I try. I try to be better. And honestly? I am becoming better at dealing with my fleeting emotions and racing thoughts now more than I ever did before.

Right now, I still don’t feel okay.

But I will be. Don’t worry. And don’t say anything stupid to me. 🙂

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Still Here

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Today, you asked me where I had been. You screamed at me and accused me of not being there for you when you needed me. I couldn’t say anything. I wanted to tell you…I wanted to say…that I had always been here. I had always been here, waiting for you. Hoping for this day when you had finally seen and noticed me. And although the way you saw me today wasn’t what I wished for, at least you had finally recognized my presence without looking for someone else.

I had always been here.

And…

I am still here.

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Hatred

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“I hate you!” she screamed at him for the millionth time.

Her anger radiated from every vein and nerve in her body. Her eyes were getting red, as if flames were coming out of it.

He looked at her dumbfounded. He was not sure why she was acting like that again, but he knew that she had always hated him. She hated every inch of him. The sight of him made her entire soul convulse in fury.

“I…don’t…want…to…see…your…face……ever…again,” she said slowly, making sure she enunciated every single word clearly.

It was one of the saddest lines he had ever heard and he wanted to believe she didn’t mean it. But she did. She never wanted to see him again. Seeing him would always bring back the pain she thought she had already forgotten. He had always given her a reason to break, and she no longer wanted that to happen…ever again.

She brought out all of the photos of them together and slowly tore them one by one in front of him.

Her face — expressionless.

He stood in front of her — speechless.

As she went on to destroy the last piece of photograph, her tears began to fall like the first snowfall in October. Silent but deafening. He stepped a little closer to her as she bowed her head and stared at all the torn pieces of photographs.

“DON’T!” she screamed again as she looked up before he had a chance to touch her.

“I hate you!” she screamed at him for the millionth time.

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Touch

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“I want you to touch me,” she whispered so softly that she thought he didn’t hear her.

“No. I can’t. I am not the one for you,” he looked at her with dead serious eyes.

She was in so much pain and all she wanted was for him to touch her, hold her and squeeze her tiny body into his arms. She wanted to feel his chest and listen to his heartbeat — to find out whether or not he really didn’t care about her anymore. She wanted him to pick up all the remaining pieces of her broken heart and put it all back together.

Yet he couldn’t. He didn’t want to ever touch her, not in a million years, not even in a parallel universe. He didn’t want to ever lay another finger on her because he knew that the moment he did, she’d crumble down all the more until there was nothing left of her.

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Change

His eyes were like summer

glowing and and lingering on my skin

melting my heart like butter

while slowly burning my soul.

His smile was like winter

so frigid and desolating

causing my body to quiver

and turning my spine into ice.

His touch was like spring

with endless blossoming

causing my heart to experience

random and episodic systole.

His words were like fall

short and painful

forcing my feelings to wither

like maple leaves slowly disintegrating.

When seasons changed,

his heartbeat changed.

Blur

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I don't remember
Everything you said was
nothing but a blur.

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SPACE

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I dreaded the          space

between us

for I know it will take you

farther away from

me

And now you are

g_ne.

Why are you

gone?

You could have been my

SUN

The center of my

UNIVERSE

When you turned you kcab

and

                                             D

                                      R

                                 I

                          F

                   T

              E

         D

away,

my

B

      R

            O

K

E

and

e              x                   p              l                 o             d              e          d

into million pieces

like a

S U P E R N O V A

b     u        r s                  t     i n          g 

into space,

an

empty


.

.

.

.

space.

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Indescribable Emptiness

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How can you tell you have already fallen hard for someone?

When you start to feel how painful it is to think that you cannot have them at all?

Does it really have to be that painful all the time?

Loving someone who can’t love you the same way and the same degree you do must be the most painful thing in this world.

Because no matter how often someone tells you he feels something for you, too, you can never be sure he will love you as much as you already did.

I have never felt so much pain like this until now.

It is indescribable.

I feel so empty.

How do you even describe emptiness?

I used to compare it to anything concrete

But now, I can only describe it as
just emptiness itself.

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Hollow Soul

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I wish to color this world purple

And sprinkle red and yellow glitters into the air

But all I am right now is a blank slate

An empty and hollow soul

A black and white entity

That can’t make your day brighter at the moment.

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