You Used To…

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You used to love the idea of being next to me

Laying in bed with your arms wrapped around me

With your lips on my bare shoulders

tracing every vein constricted within my skin.

You used to love the idea of listening to my voice when I was sleepy

or when I woke up before I took a sip of my morning coffee

while you lay in bed staring at me

trying to memorize every part of my naked body.

You used to love the idea of interlacing your fingers with mine

when the warmth of my palms had always made you feel divine

when calling your name sent shivers down your spine

and you kept wanting more because you knew that by then you would be fine.

You used to love the idea of watching me doze off

into deep slumber until you were sure I could never get away

when you never really had to worry about it even when life gets even tough

because I would always be here waiting coldly under your warm velvet duvet.

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A Letter To A Cheater

HorizontalBar_2The very first time I laid my eyes on you, I already knew you were bad news. You exuded a dark energy, and I was vigilant enough to notice it. Unfortunately, I wasn’t strong enough to convince my friend that you were not good for her. Who was I to tell her that? She thought she was happy with you. No. I take that back. She thought she would be happy with you. And because I love her, and I have always wanted her to be happy, I let her be with you. Unfortunately, she didn’t achieve the happiness she thought she would have. You had been holding her by the neck since the very first time you got together, and she was blind enough to see it.

You were right when you said, “there are two sides of the coin,” and the only side I knew was hers. I don’t know and I haven’t heard your side, but I don’t care. I don’t ever want to listen to someone like you.

She didn’t have to tell me all the things you did to her. I just knew it. I knew when she was happy, and when she was not. I knew when she was having a hard time dealing with you, and when she was just faking her smile.

I also knew that you didn’t like me. Who knew, maybe you even asked her to stop hanging out with me one time. If you did, shame on you, and I am glad she didn’t listen to you. I knew that you were always the reason why she couldn’t hang out with us more often. I knew that you stopped her from going out with anyone because you wanted to be always around her. I knew how insecure and clingy you were. I knew a lot of things without her telling me.

You used to tell her how much you loved her. You made her feel like you couldn’t live without her. Well, guess what? You didn’t really love her! You were attached to her, and you were scared that she would leave you alone, and be with someone better than you. You were terrified because you knew that someone was better, and that she could easily find someone who actually deserved her more.

And because you were so scared that one day, that would happen, you started looking for someone to replace her, while being with her. You started to find your next prospect, your next victim…someone that would instantly take her place when she decided to let go.

When you truly love someone, you don’t easily give up on that person. Even when that person is the one slowly starting to drift away, you still try to work things out.

But when she asked for some space, you already thought she had already forgotten you…that she didn’t want you anymore. You started thinking you were no longer together, so you acted as though you were already single. You continued wooing another person in replacement for her.

I am so amazed by how shallow you are. Do you even understand what a “cool off” means in a relationship? Even the best relationships need some time and space to make things a lot better.

You said that having someone to take her spot in your life is not called cheating. I hate to break it to you, but it is. It may be low-key cheating, but it is still cheating! Your audacity to be so defensive of your mistakes and to tell everyone that you didn’t cheat on her makes me cringe. You make me want to shit myself.

You laughed at other people for expressing their opinion about what you did. You mocked them about how immature they were for publicly shaming you for what you did. Why? Didn’t you deserve that? Did you also think how immature you were to publicly announce to your friends that you weren’t the culprit of all of these? That you had been silent for so long because you didn’t want to make things worse? Well, honey, you being silent just meant that you weren’t brave enough to face your demons. You didn’t have the balls to talk to her properly and professionally. (Hah! I keep forgetting you don’t really have actual balls. Oops. My bad.)

I am sorry, but hardcore liars and cheaters never admit that they lie and cheat. They will always try to defend themselves and make themselves appear as the “victim.” I know, because you are not the only cheater I unfortunately had a close encounter with. It is sad, but so many people like you proliferate this society, and the people who are on your side may have been like you, or have the tendency to be like you. What a pity.

You are weak. You are one of the weakest, most disgusting and lowest living creature who have ever existed. I am never a war freak. In fact, the last time I fought with someone was a decade ago. But this time, I am willing to put up a good fight for the people I love.

Don’t you ever try to be a heart breaker because you’re not. You will never be. I don’t see you as that kind of person. I see you as something worse than what a heart breaker is. She chose to be with you. She chose to stay because she was also scared to break your heart, but then you hurt her instead.

If you don’t change, I think that your misbehavior and misdeeds would wreak havoc to humanity. It’s not too late to change. We’re all praying for your redemption.

Good luck, cheater.

x

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Lost Memories

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I could feel the veins in my heart slightly disintegrating. My blood continues to flow through its pores although the small cracks that bring me constant pain have been frozen by your cold voice the last time I have heard you whisper my name in the dark.

I try to ignore the unending thunderstorm inside my head, reminding me how deadly you really are to me. I must admit I have forgotten you so many times because I have been trying to erase any memories of you in my mind. But when I hear people laughing, and seeing them hold hands as they walk along this ruthless world, all the lost memories start coming back like a set of cameras flashing ceaselessly, and blinding my eyes. Then I get reminded of how much I am hurting and how much I am longing for you.

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When Dawn Is Breaking

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I hate the sound of cranes next to my building,

and kettles filled with water that’s already boiling.

I hate the sound of the birds chirping

and my neighbors roosters’ crowing that means dawn’s finally breaking.

I hate the sound of the radio playing

and the carpenters next door busy hammering.

I hate the sound of the screen door banging

when each of my family starts to wake up  one by one in the morning.

I hate to think that while everyone is already busy working,

I am still here laying in bed, sleepless and overthinking.

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