Open Letter: To You Who Love Me When I Couldn’t Love Myself

“To become whole is to love all of our parts.”

— Mark Groves

For the longest time, I have been wondering why I seem to have constantly been asking for reciprocated love and attention from those who are close to my heart. 

I have never fully understood until I’ve realized that I actually lack love for myself. I have always been that person who would tell other people to always be strong and to always choose theirselves first, but in reality, I unconsciously disobey my own words. 

To other people, I am just that brave and bubbly little girl who doesn’t care about the world, but to those I allow to see the real me, I am that woman who has been struggling to love herself for a long, long time but is willing to change her view of herself for her own good. I know my worth and I am aware that myself is my own enemy. I’m not going to stop seeking for love and attention from the people I love but I am going to start loving myself more. 

And all of these, I have realized because of you.

I can never measure how grateful I am for having you in my life. You have always been good for my soul since the very start, and that’s something I am really thankful for. You have never really left me, and although you are not physically here right now, it still feels like you are around, and that you have always been here all along.

You make me the happiest person in the world every time you give me your attention. I have never had anyone who actually paid enough attention on me before, and all of these emotions I am feeling now are still unfamilar to me.

I never knew how happy I could be to have someone like you in my life. I have never felt so much love and care before. No one has ever expressed any concern for me besides my family, and I am afraid that all of these good and positive emotions I have overwhelm me.

I am overwhelmed because I have never truly experienced these in the past. You are the first person who has actually accepted me for who I am. And now that you have seen even the darkest side of me, I am hoping that you will still love every part of me, and that no matter what happens, you will still be patient enough to put up with me.

I never want to doubt your intention. I want to trust you, and I am slowly  learning to. Many people have ruined my trust before, and even though I try to think positively about you all the time, I still have those moments when I think about just leaving you. I could never imagine leaving you, but I am also scared of being left behind.

I hope that you will never get tired of me, even at times when I annoy you so much. It is true when people say that the only enemy you have is yourself. I have been constantly battling with myself and I am doing my best to fight for you. My mind always tells me to just give up on myself, but my heart would always contradict and convince me to still go on, and that is also because of you.

You keep me holding on. You inspire me to be a better person. You bring light into my soul, and for that, I am massively thankful.

I am now able to appreciate myself the same way I appreciate you. I have to admit I still fail to see the good side of me at times, but I strive to always keep a positive mind. Thank you for being with me. I will never stop reminding you how much I appreciate everything you do, and I just hope you will never get tired hearing me say it.

Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself, and I will do my best to learn until I love myself as much as I love you.

Advertisements

Open Letter: To Anyone Battling Anxiety Alone

I thought that if you just try to ignore everything that makes you feel anxious, worried and nostalgic…if you just keep thinking that everything is going to be fine…if you just keep reminding yourself how strong and brave you are, and that you can get through any hardships alone, your life will eventually be easier and better…but damn it, it doesn’t always get better when you force yourself to not feel something. The more you ignore a feeling that always comes back, the more you think about it and you will forever live with it like a troubled ghost that will never stay away.

You may have been having countless sleepless nights trying to think of a better way to let go of things, to let go of your anxieties and all the things that trigger them. It may be rather insensitive to plan out how you could forget the people you love or used to love and care about, but I know you feel as though it is the best solution especially when they are the reasons you feel stuck and not progressing.

When something doesn’t make you feel happy anymore, it’s just normal to seek for another thing that would make you feel happier or something that would bring back the happiness in your daily life. However, it is never a good thing to force yourself in a situation that constantly brings you down.

Battling your anxieties alone is the most difficult thing to do. You feel like no one understands you and that no one will ever actually listen to you when you share everything that troubles you. It is scary to trust people with your thoughts and what is even more scary is the thought that the people you trust and the people you expect to love you are the ones who are not scared to hurt and disappoint you.

So if you have to let go, let go, but you have to make sure it will make you happy in the end. Don’t ever force yourself to feel something you don’t actually feel. Don’t pretend you are not sad or lonely. Don’t hide your anger and disappointment. Don’t fake your happiness.

You deserve an eternal happiness. You deserve psychological stability. You deserve to have peace of mind.

Speak up. Express your thoughts. Express your feelings. But don’t force yourself to open up to just anyone who tells you you can trust them. Trust is being earned, and not presumed.

II Senses III: Never Hold Back

HorizontalBar_2

Put your hands
on my chest,
dig your nails
and crush my legs,
feel my clavicle
then leave a trace,
curse my name
with so much grace
Always remember
you are my thunder —
you can get mad
and you can get loud,
you can attack,
just never hold back.

HorizontalBar_2SignatureFlag

Open Letter: Dear Mr. Independent

You consider yourself independent because you can support yourself and you do not seek any kinds of assistance from others. You have a stable high-paying job, and you have enough, if not overflowing amount of money to provide you a lifetime of luxury. In fact, you may even have your own company where you pay others to work for you.

Of course, it is just expected that when it comes to finding a potential partner, you try your best to find that person who is exactly the same as you are, someone we also call Miss Independent.

You have to remember that although she could be the same as you, she is actually different. She may make enough money for herself, so she wouldn’t have to depend from others financially. She does things on her own and she lives away from her family. She is hardworking. She would rather starve working than have someone feeding her for free. She could be poor, but she has enough and that’s all that matters to her.

Of course, just because she chooses to stay somewhere that only gives her enough to feed herself, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have other dreams in life. She knows she shouldn’t settle for less, but she also believes in being happy with a job. She believes in learning and growing while passionately working.

You also have to know and remember that she is not a charity case. Maybe she lacks a lot of luxurious things in life, but it doesn’t mean that just because she doesn’t have something, she cannot afford it. She can buy things when she needs it, not just when she wants it. And sometimes she would rather spend her money on other people than spend it for herself.

She knows which things and people to prioritize. Miss Independent has a firm belief that in order to survive being independent, she has to keep in mind that she only has to focus on what she needs. She knows that once she gives in to her wants, she wouldn’t be able to control herself. She believes that if she wants something, she has to work for it, and she doesn’t want to waste anything she has worked hard for.

She will try to outsmart anyone who threatens her independence. She will try to avoid people whom she thinks will make her feel frustrated and vulnerable. She will try to avoid getting attracted to people like you.

In the end, if you try hard to get her attention, she will slowly start loving you and she will give her everything to you — her heart, her mind, her body and her soul. Although she is independent in other aspects of her life, you will find out that she is actually not emotionally independent. She will try to hide it from you or from anyone, but you will find it out.

She will tell you how she feels but she will not repeat herself. Please, don’t make her repeat herself. She knows when she is not being appreciated and recognized, which is why she could get easily upset. She would never tell you what she is upset about, so you have to know it’s related to her feelings somehow.

Miss Independent likes to repress her feelings and desires to avoid coming out as a weak person to you. She wants you to know she is strong and brave. She wants you to know she can live without you even when she can’t.

Because of that Mr. Independent, I hope that you could still be her rock even when she thinks she can stand on her own feet. I hope you could still be her strength, inspire and motivate her, understand her and be patient with her and love her without judgment.

You see, Mr. Independent, you are exactly the same independent people, but you actually are different from each other. You can be both physically and emotionally independent, while she may only possess half of the equation.

Being independent does not mean you do not need anyone in your life. We all need someone who will remind us how strong we are, someone who will love us unconditionally, someone who is willing to be there even when we think we don’t need them.

And sometimes, we just need someone who can make us feel vulnerable and weak, so we’d remember that we’re actually humans.

Open Letter to the One I Fought For: She Was Wrong About Us

Four months ago, somebody told me I will never be happy and content with my life if I don’t change, and that I will never be able to find anyone who will love me for what and who I am. Somebody told me I am not mature enough, and that I need to grow up and learn to love myself first before I offer my love to someone else.

Nobody told me that you were gonna come and prove that person how wrong it was to judge me like that. You came into the picture, and I never stopped smiling since then.

Up until now, you try your best to make me happy. I know that it frustrates you sometimes as I have sporadic moodiness, yet you never give up.

You make me feel better about myself. You help me grow, and you boost my confidence in a really good way.

For the first time in my life, I am content, and I couldn’t ask for more. You are giving me your love while I am still trying to learn how to love myself.

I can no longer count the many times you have to put up with my complicated attitude. You know I could be handful, but you still see the best in me.

For all these things you do for me, I am truly grateful. I must have done something great in my past life that is making me worthy of having you in my life.

I appreciate every little thing you do — all the forehead kisses, the small talks and the deep conversations, when you let me sleep on your arm, when you put your hands on my back, when you listen to me talk about what bothers me or what makes me anxious, for tolerating my dramatic moments and for knowing when to call me out.

Thank you.
Thank you for making me happy.
Thank you for inspiring me and for motivating me every day.
Thank you for being my light.
I can never be more proud of you.

If I ever come across that somebody who has made me feel bad about myself, I’d be so happy to tell her how wrong she was in so many levels.

She was wrong when she said that I have problems when it comes to choosing the people who I let into my life. Maybe I did when I let her affect and influence me.

She was wrong when she made it sound like it was not a good thing to make friends with people I am not sure I will ever have a chance to meet. Making friends is not just about trying to meet them in person. Making friends is about connection. It is about being able to relate to one another without the need to actually physically be together.

She was wrong when she said I am selfish and I only think about myself. Maybe I am selfish, but only to people who do not deserve my selflessness. Maybe I only think about myself, but why not? I have to learn how to love myself first to be able to love others, didn’t she say that?

She was wrong when she thought I can never be fully content in a relationship because I am still immature. My level of maturity does not measure my contentment. I have to admit I am not fully grown up yet. I am still in my early twenties, and I still have so many things to learn. Why am I being judged for that?

She was wrong in so many ways, and it is really funny how the people who judge us are the ones who barely know anything about us.

She was wrong when she said you were going to break my heart. She said you were not going to last long. She was wrong, and I am grateful because you turned out to be the right one…the right one for me.

And once again, I am very thankful we have found each other. I am very grateful for having you in my life and for not letting her keep me from finding out how amazing you truly are. Thank you for coming, and for helping me realize that toxic people like her actually exist and the best thing we can do is to avoid them.

Thank you for instilling peace and optimism in my heart, mind and soul, for helping me see the light, and for making me realize that sometimes we need someone like her so we could learn how to be extra cautious when meeting people.

Thank you because now, I have the courage to tell everyone how wrong she was about me, about you…about us.

The least thing we need in our lives are people who overanalyze every thing we do and easily misjudge who we are. Now I understand why we have to stay away from people who make us feel bad about ourselves.

Never let a single person dictate who we are because there are other people out there who continuously believe in us. We, ourselves, are the ones who define who we really are.

Enamorarse

HorizontalBar_2

Enamorada —
I am a woman in love —
in love with so many things:
the moon
the sun
the stars that make up
the galaxies
the constellations
the universe.
I am in love
with the beauty of life —
the evening air
the breeze that comes
from the waves in the ocean
the mist, the cold
the droplets of excess water
that fall down
from the leaves of pine trees.
I am in love
with the way the sun
burns my skin
in the summer,
with the sound
of birds singing above
the imaginary wires that
connect me to you,
with the smell
of freshly-cut roses.
I am in love
with music,
with movements,
with people
with you
I am a woman in love —
For you, enamorado
I will always be.

HorizontalBar_2

DP (1)

SignatureFlag

All That I’ve Got

I need something else

Would someone please just give me

Hit me, knock me out

And let me go back to sleep

— All That I’ve Got – The Used
My mornings usually start with looking at my phone and finding a message from my sister, and my nights usually end with another message from her reminding me how much she loves and misses me. She does this even at times I don’t get a chance to respond to her.

I have always thought that my sister is the most misunderstood member in our family. Our dad’s family has always seen her as the black sheep, psycho granddaughter, niece, daughter, cousin and sister. They think of her as someone who shouldn’t be imitated, despite the praises they give her for being so smart in school.

I remember them reminding me not to be like her. I remember myself reassuring them I won’t, although in my mind, I know that my sister is the best and I am very proud of her.

I could not blame our relatives for calling her a black sheep and for seeing her that way. She has always been the one who goes against rules when she knows that these rules violate her right as a person. I think I may have gotten that attitude from her.

My sister has a personality disorder, and she has been through a lot of traumatic events in her life. She has suffered more than I have, yet she remains to be my strength. I couldn’t be any more proud of having her as my sister. I get anxious and really depressed every single second but every time she tells me she loves me, I feel a whole lot better.

It’s a little bit funny because I know how often she gets depressed, yet she always seems so happy every time she texts me or calls me on the phone. In fact, she always sounds so cheerful and enthusiastic. I admire her ability to cover what she really feels deep inside her. I know her too well. I know she has negative thoughts and that she has still been fighting off her demons. She is doing a really good job in hiding it.

I have to admit that behind these self-strength posts I always write is an anxious and depressive woman who continuously tries to battle all the things that makes her feel bad about herself.

Every day, just like what my sister does, I do my best to be the better version of myself. I try to smile, to laugh, and to think of myself as a strong person. Sometimes I fail, but every time I do, I think of my sister and remember how she, herself, has done her best to be better, to think positively and to be happy despite every thing.

I know that we’re not perfect. We make stupid mistakes, but these mistakes help us learn and grow day by day. My sister doesn’t have to remind me to learn from her, but I do remember how she never lets her past hinder her from being the amazing person that she is.

Sometimes, we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes, we learn from others. Sometimes, we grow on our own. Sometimes, we grow with others. ❤️

I’ll be just fine

Pretending I’m not

I’m far from lonely

And it’s all that I’ve got.

Beauty in Her Eyes

She looked at her dress

the way a little girl stared at a popsicle;

Amazed by its color and beauty, 

unaware of her own magnificence.

Five Non-Physical Things One Needs to Get Rid of As A Minimalist

I just disposed my no-longer-working computer today. It has served me great seven years, and I am glad I have maximized its use really well. As I type these words on my aunt’s computer, Pretty Girl is showing on the TV, and I am sitting down with a cup of decaffeinated coffee in my left hand, my legs fully covered in the long skirt my grandmother gave me earlier today. It is a long flowy skirt that covers the entire half-bottom part of my body. I could sleep in it tonight, and not need a blanket or a comforter. While half of my body is fully covered, I only have a bandeau wrapped around my chest. Isn’t it ironic? Well, I like ironic. Ironic is me. I breathe it. I live in it.

While I have been trying to decrease the amount of physical things (mostly clothes) I have, I still couldn’t refuse people when they gift me stuff I think I don’t necessarily need. I still have the loot bag full of goodies my former colleagues gave me when I left my full-time job last month. I haven’t really checked them out yet in fear of just making a clutter around my room.

I tried to write down a few things I need to get rid of today, and while I was having an existential contemplation, I realized that it wasn’t only the material things I have that I need to remove from my life. We also need to cut down on those things that are not obvious to the naked eye.

Five Non-Physical Things You Need to Get Rid Of

01 Pessimism/Negative Vibration

As a minimalist, I think that the very first thing you have to do is to keep an open mind. Hence, it is very important to get rid of all the negativities you have.

I have to admit I have been failing at this area, so I need to think more positively so I could effectively maintain a minimalist life.

02 Worries/Anxieties

The things you worry or get anxious about will only cause you stress, and when you get stressed out, you will surely not be able to carry out things you have to do.

As a very anxious person, I find this very difficult to accomplish. I do, however, try to keep a positive mind, so I know I can do this no matter how hard it is.

03 People

A friend of mine who is also a minimalist explained to me the importance of keeping some people out of your circle. While it is important to meet people, socialize and grow your network, it is also important that those who are in your circle are only those who actually matter.

Sometimes we meet people and we can’t immediately tell whether or not they’re actually who we think they are. Those people who matter are usually those who you think you can be comfortable being with, those you trust and those who trust and respect you back, those who appreciate you and accept you for who you are, and those who love you unconditionally.

04 Bad Attitude/Compulsive Behavior

The one thing that keeps us from people who have naturally good intention for us is a bad attitude and a compulsive behavior. This is because it scares away people, and you may lose the chance of meeting people who will actually serve good purpose in your life.

05 Anger

I think that staying angry at people who have done you wrong, or just being mad for no reason is useless. It will just slow you down.

To be able to get rid of this, you have to try and push yourself to forgive even when you think you will never be able to forget about it.

These are just some of the things I think are very important to focus on, and get rid of as a minimalist. Sometimes we pay more attention to physical things so much so that we overlook and forget the things that we also need to consider.

What non-physical things do you think should be added here? Let me know on the comment section below! ❤️

II Senses I: Landmark

HorizontalBar_1You are
the city I want to
build my empire in,
I want to own you;
to possess you;
to dig my nails in you,
I want to learn
every bits and pieces
that make up
your entire existence,
I want to plant
my future in you
In your soiled body
In your concrete heart
I would lay my hands
in every part of you
You who make my soul rejoice
You who make my body convulse
with the fact that you —
You are my favorite landmark —
a landmark I yearn for
every single split second;
A place I will always
go back to.

Note: This is Chapter II of my Senses poetry series. I hope you enjoyed it! ❤🌻

HorizontalBar_1

DP (1)

SignatureFlaginstagramtwitterfacebook

Senses XIX: Never Stop

It’s no longer a secret

how much I love you —

I love you so much

I find it hard to breathe;

I love you so much

I long for you

even with the shortest

distance between us;

I love you so much

I can never stop

staring at you —

your beautiful brown eyes,

your face,

your shoulder,

your arms,

your body;

I love you so much

I can never stop secretly

admiring your beauty;

I love you so much

And I will never ever stop

even when the day comes

you want me

to stop breathing for you.

A Little Thought on Commitment

HorizontalBar_2

Sometimes people do not want to commit to you regardless of how much they like you or how good you make them feel.

Sometimes they just suddenly stay away from you or stop loving you further to save themselves from vulnerability. It is simply a selfish and nonsensical reason.

Does the inability to commit yourself to someone you like affect your maturity when it comes to relationships? I am not sure; but I do know that when people cannot commit themselves yet, it reflects their willingness and preparedness to take risks.

They.

Are.

Not.

Yet.

Ready.

When they think they aren’t ready yet, when will they be?

“In time,” they may say.

“In time” may take forever.

When you fall, it just happens. You cannot plan nor set a schedule for it.

It is okay to allow yourself to feel vulnerable sometimes. It shows that you can feel something. It shows that you can feel pain, and that you’re human. It is okay to have someone to make you feel that way. You can love, and you shouldn’t stop yourself from feeling it.

And if someone decides to stay away from you, or stops loving you further because of reasons unknown, it isn’t going to be your fault.

Continue being adorable. You are an awesome-azingly beautiful human being. ❤

HorizontalBar_2

DP (1)

SignatureFlag

instagram

twitter

 

 

Adorable

HorizontalBar_2

“She is adorable,” she hears her whisper to him for the nth time.

He smiles and whispers back.

“I know she is.”

It doesn’t affect her anymore. She knows he still thinks the same way about her. She knows he still sees her as the most adorable little girl he has ever met.

…And she knows that her adorableness is the same exact reason he has decided to stop loving her.

HorizontalBar_2

Shitsubou is a collection of fictional excerpts that prove how painful and beautiful love can be at the same time. (c) Diana | Toast and Tea Together

DP (1)

SignatureFlag

instagram

twitter

A Letter to Myself and to Everyone Out There

HorizontalBar_2

Dear you!

You are my lover, my friend, my family. You are myself, and you are my everything. When everyone else leaves, you are all I have left.

It breaks my heart to see how much you have been struggling with work and your relationship with people lately. I know how hard it could be to be in your shoes, and what gives me more pain is the fact that you think no one can be there for you when you need someone to talk to; and it is sad to know how often you give in to your anxiety every single time..

But this I say to you…

You will be okay.

I believe in your abilities to make yourself feel better on your own. You have lived through the years and you get by every day. I know sometimes you feel like ending all of your problems permanently, but you still choose to live and to love yourself every single day. That is just one proof of how strong you are.

You are strong. You will get through anything.

I know you often think no one will ever love you truthfully. I beg to disagree. Even right from the start, you already have many people adoring and loving you even from afar. I know you think that you would rather be alone than having people around you make you feel isolated.

Do not be scared to burn bridges. Do not be afraid of letting people go. Not everyone you love actually deserves your love; and no matter what negative things they say about you, I want you to stand your ground, and always think of your happiness first. You are allowed to give up on others just as long as you do not give up on yourself.

Do not settle for anyone who makes you question your morals, your values, especially your worth. You know your worth, and you know what makes you genuinely happy. Do not ever compromise your worth and happiness for anyone.

I know, for sure, that one day, someone will come along. S/he will make you feel the love you have been longing to have all over again. Don’t ever hold yourself back the way you did before. Just because you have failed in love so many times in the past doesn’t mean you can never allow yourself to fall again. Just because you have been hurt doesn’t mean you will experience the same exact pain you had.

I want you to never let anyone, not even the people you love the most, affect you so much that you lose control of yourself. Do not let people, the Church and the entire society dictate who you are and who you should be. You have lived without asking major help from anyone because you have always been responsible for yourself. You know what is right and what is wrong.

I know that you commit mistakes and that is inevitable. You are just a human, after all. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop feeling like all you do is wrong. Remember the lessons you always learn from committing your mistakes, and never regret the things you actually wanted to do.

I want you to always fight for what you think is right. Never complain without figuring out whether or not you are in the right position to do so. I want you to open your heart and listen to the people around you without immediately judging them. I want you to be critical all the time without taking away other people’s rights to defend themselves.

I want you to keep being strong, to keep living, to keep doing what you love to do. You are still young, and there are still lots of good things out there waiting for you to notice.

I want you to smile. I want you to give love without asking it back. I want your heart to remain pure.

You will be okay.

You are strong. You will get through anything.

HorizontalBar_2

DP (1)

SignatureFlag

instagram

twitter

Something to Motivate You Today

Always focus on the positive side of life. If you keep thinking of your failures, nothing great will ever happen. You are only allowed to think of your failure once. Use that moment to get inspired to do better. ❤

Be The Amazing Person You Have Always Been

HorizontalBar_2

Be the amazing person you have always been. It is nice to have someone as your role model. Doing so will help you get inspired, and be motivated every single day. But the thing is, it also lets you develop the habit of comparing yourself to other people every now and then, and comparing can be too constricting.

Why compare yourself with someone, when you can just be yourself, do what you gotta do, and be who you want to be, without living under the impression that others are better than you? You are unique. You are special. You don’t have to be like anyone. Be you. Be whoever you want to be without being pressured to be like somebody.

A professor of mine once told me that once you feel low and you feel like comparing yourself with other people, you have to remember that while other people possess something better than you do, you also have something that is considered better than what the others have.

You also have to remember that the people around you are not your enemy. Your real enemy is yourself. You are the one who let other people’s actions and words get in your head. You are the one who let them affect you. Once you learn to recognize that, you will also learn how to free and let go of yourself.

I am writing this not only for everyone, but also for myself. I need to remind myself to always be who I am despite of what people tell me. I need to remember not to let others dictate what I should do, how I should act, and who I should be.

In the past, I had been hurt quite a lot of times by people whose words I used to care about. I had been told I wasn’t good enough, and that I wasn’t pretty enough just like the others. It took me a long time to realize that all the things I lack of are actually the things that make me special.

And right now, I feel blessed and thankful for who and what I am.

I am thankful for having a big, wavy hair that is even bigger than my face. Because of it, I don’t have to worry about losing hair, and I never have to actually comb my hair.

I am thankful for having a naturally-tan skin because then, I never have to worry about getting too dark under the sun because I already am, or worry about attempting to get fairer skin that will make me paler than the moon. Having pale skin is overrated.

I am thankful for being genetically skinny and tiny because then, the only thing I have to worry about is keeping my body healthy and strong.

I am thankful for being independent, for being able to freely express my thoughts, for having the chance to share what I have, and for being a free-spirit.

All of these things were actually pointed out to me as my flaws before, and I know there will always be those people who will continuously think of them as flaws. But right now, I am thankful for everything that I am because if not, no one else will (besides my parents, of course haha).

Like me, you can do this, too, but you can do it your own way. Be the amazing person you have always been.

HorizontalBar_2DP (1)SignatureFlag

instagramtwitter

Scared | Scarred

HorizontalBar_2

For the first time in my life, I am not scared of anything other than the thought of being alone. I have never been scared of it before. I loved having just myself and being away from people, but right now, the only thing I am scared about is the idea that there is a big possibility that I may be alone forever.

It is weird how the things I am not scared of happening before are the only things that scare the hell out of me now, while the ones I have been scared of are the ones I couldn’t care less about anymore.

I am no longer scared of falling;

of getting my heart scarred multiple times by the same person;

of losing myself;

of being out of my comfort zone;

and of taking risks.

I no longer care whether or not you love me back, and I no longer care about losing you despite all the efforts I am willing to make.

The only thing I am scared of is the fact that despite me saying all these things, I’d still end up being alone.

HorizontalBar_2

SignatureFlag

instagram

twitter

Unloved

HorizontalBar_2

He called her name
from outside the room
as if it was a specialized endearment
he made for her

She pretended to sleep
just to see
if he was coming to get her
yet he didn’t

She wasn’t aware that
he was calling her
just to say goodbye
one last time

What’s more heartbreaking
than knowing she was slowly
being unloved
without her being aware of it?

HorizontalBar_2

SignatureFlag

instagram

twitter

Positively in Love

HorizontalBar_2

Note: I haven’t written any creative feature posts in a while, and I’ve just thought of writing and sharing this one.

When falling in love, there are two voices in your head. One is positive, and the other one is negative. This is the second part of my two-post series about falling. First comes the negative. Here is the positive. Read it, enjoy it, smile for it.

HorizontalBar_2

I am an optimist when it comes to falling in love. It does not matter how many times I get my heart broken, for as long as my heart feels that spark all over again, it does not stop until it gets reciprocated. And in the event that it doesn’t really get what it wants, it slowly heals itself until the yearning totally vanishes in the air.

Over the New Year, I fell in love in so many ways. I was in a different city with one of the most amazing people I know. Everything was new to me — the place, the experience, the person I was with. I tried my very best to remain emotionally and mentally stable, and so I found myself being silent in most occasions…

…but then, I got out of control.

I lost myself.

I lost myself in a big city.

I lost myself in you.

I didn’t expect everything to turn out so great. It was too good to be true.

You are the most incredible person I have ever seen. You are beautiful inside and out, and I don’t regret having you in my life. Never will I ever feel regretful, not even when things just suddenly fall out of place.

The thing is, I may be feeling something for you now, but I can’t tell you just yet whether or not it’s going to be forever.

I know my worth. I am aware of it, and I am pretty sure you also are. I am worthy of so many things in life and love. Just like you, I am worthy of all the best things the world could offer. I am worthy of happiness, of being loved back, of being pampered and nurtured. I am worthy of being respected as a woman.

This, nonetheless, doesn’t mean I am going to give up on you. You are a part of me now, and I am a part of you. I am just going to take my time learning about you and growing with you. This time, I am not going to rush things, in hopes that taking my time to love and get to know you does not lead to slowly drifting away from you.

No, I am not going to stay away. I will be here even at times you do not want me to…because you, my darling, are also worthy of being loved without you having to give it back. You, my sweetheart, are the absolute best, and you, among anyone, deserve the very best.

HorizontalBar_2

End of the series. Hope you read the first one!

HorizontalBar_2

SignatureFlag

instagram

twitter

Negatively in Love

HorizontalBar_2

Note: I haven’t written any creative feature posts in a while, and I’ve just thought of writing and sharing this one.

When falling in love, there are two voices in your head. One is positive, and the other one is negative. This is the first part of my two-post series about falling. First comes the negative. Read it, enjoy it, break for it.

HorizontalBar_2

Negatively in Love… (voice)

We haven’t known each other for a very long time, but it feels like we do. I feel like I know so much about you, and I still want to get to know you better.

I can’t say I love you just yet. I may be falling in love with you, but I don’t want to admit I already love you. It is too soon. But when you find someone who your heart instantly beats for, there is no such thing as “too soon.” I guess I just think it is too good to be true. We don’t have enough memories together to justify how I feel for you.

I choose you…among anyone. I choose you not because you are the only option. You actually are the only exception. They say there are millions of fish in the sea. Yes. That is so true. But I think that people would always want just one specific fish. And I want you. I want you to be the only fish in my sea.

I adore you from head to toe, and I want you so bad. I want you to be mine, and I want you to own me, too. I want to belong to you. I want to be your muse, your queen, your everything. But unfortunately, I can’t be. I can’t be yours. I am not the person you want. You don’t know that yet, but I know I am not.

They say we can’t always get what we want. I am so out of your league. You are an amazing person, and you are achingly the most beautiful human being I have ever seen. You have everything figured out. You have the world in your hands. You know what you want, and you know how to get it. While on the other hand, I am just a twenty-something year old, talkative and annoying woman who is so much into writing stories and poems for you. I feel like I am just an underachiever who is willing to do everything for you.

Cupid may have hit me hard right in the heart and it is starting to ruin me. So I am going to start letting go of these feelings before I hit rock bottom. I am going to try to stop my insanity before I hurt myself even more. I am just a nobody whose heart is slowly beating for a somebody. Somebody who has everything, and I am so scared to lose myself one more time.

But just in case you change your mind, and decide that you want to take the risk of loving a crazy woman like me, I will be here for you. Until then, I am going to stop hurting myself and slowly quit bothering you.

HorizontalBar_2

End of Negatively in Love. Next >> Positively in Love.

HorizontalBar_2

SignatureFlag