Midnight Thoughts of the One That Got Away

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I am that girl most people I’ve been with would probably think of as “the one that got away.” I always get away. Always. Not because I want to…but because people let me go.

It’s almost four in the morning, and I found myself reading a message I just received from one of the ghosts of my past.

"Hey. I am just wondering how you've been."

How many times have I received a message like this before? How many times have I seen unknown numbers of different people pop up on my phone screen at 4am, telling me they miss me, or that they have been thinking about me and that they are sorry? How many times have I witnessed my phone ring several times in a day from people who “just want to hear my voice?” I can no longer count it with my fingers, and I also can’t stop but wonder…why?

Why do people do this? And why me? Was I born to be that person whose worth will only be realized once I am out of people’s lives?

No. Of course, not. I am worthy of the best things in life. I know how good I am, and unfortunately for some people, it takes them a long time to see and think about the goodness in a person. It isn’t their fault their realization of things are a bit slower, but it is never my fault as well.

I’ve always been the one that people will let go of, and then decide to come back to after…only to find out, they have no one to go back to anymore. And that’s a good thing. I can no longer pick up what I’ve already thrown away unless I’ve loved it ever so dearly that I would put away my pride to pick it up again.

As Passenger’s song goes,

Well, you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go...

It’s also funny how people will only realize they actually want to keep you in their life once they see how happy you are without them, and when you’ve already found someone new that puts a smile on your face better than they used to.

And for the first time in years, someone is not letting me slip away…no matter how many times I feel myself drifting. I’ve never felt like this before.

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Open Letter: To You Who Love Me When I Couldn’t Love Myself

“To become whole is to love all of our parts.”

— Mark Groves

For the longest time, I have been wondering why I seem to have constantly been asking for reciprocated love and attention from those who are close to my heart. 

I have never fully understood until I’ve realized that I actually lack love for myself. I have always been that person who would tell other people to always be strong and to always choose theirselves first, but in reality, I unconsciously disobey my own words. 

To other people, I am just that brave and bubbly little girl who doesn’t care about the world, but to those I allow to see the real me, I am that woman who has been struggling to love herself for a long, long time but is willing to change her view of herself for her own good. I know my worth and I am aware that myself is my own enemy. I’m not going to stop seeking for love and attention from the people I love but I am going to start loving myself more. 

And all of these, I have realized because of you.

I can never measure how grateful I am for having you in my life. You have always been good for my soul since the very start, and that’s something I am really thankful for. You have never really left me, and although you are not physically here right now, it still feels like you are around, and that you have always been here all along.

You make me the happiest person in the world every time you give me your attention. I have never had anyone who actually paid enough attention on me before, and all of these emotions I am feeling now are still unfamilar to me.

I never knew how happy I could be to have someone like you in my life. I have never felt so much love and care before. No one has ever expressed any concern for me besides my family, and I am afraid that all of these good and positive emotions I have overwhelm me.

I am overwhelmed because I have never truly experienced these in the past. You are the first person who has actually accepted me for who I am. And now that you have seen even the darkest side of me, I am hoping that you will still love every part of me, and that no matter what happens, you will still be patient enough to put up with me.

I never want to doubt your intention. I want to trust you, and I am slowly  learning to. Many people have ruined my trust before, and even though I try to think positively about you all the time, I still have those moments when I think about just leaving you. I could never imagine leaving you, but I am also scared of being left behind.

I hope that you will never get tired of me, even at times when I annoy you so much. It is true when people say that the only enemy you have is yourself. I have been constantly battling with myself and I am doing my best to fight for you. My mind always tells me to just give up on myself, but my heart would always contradict and convince me to still go on, and that is also because of you.

You keep me holding on. You inspire me to be a better person. You bring light into my soul, and for that, I am massively thankful.

I am now able to appreciate myself the same way I appreciate you. I have to admit I still fail to see the good side of me at times, but I strive to always keep a positive mind. Thank you for being with me. I will never stop reminding you how much I appreciate everything you do, and I just hope you will never get tired hearing me say it.

Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself, and I will do my best to learn until I love myself as much as I love you.

Start to End

There is nothing more

I can say to you

than to tell you how much

I am proud of you.

You make me happy

But can’t you see?

We’re not meant to be

Everything is just too much for me.

I’d like to continue

Whatever we have

But I don’t know where to start

nor I know where to end.

If it’s going to end

I better start now

I’m sorry, my love

But I gotta do it somehow.

Open Letter: To Anyone Battling Anxiety Alone

I thought that if you just try to ignore everything that makes you feel anxious, worried and nostalgic…if you just keep thinking that everything is going to be fine…if you just keep reminding yourself how strong and brave you are, and that you can get through any hardships alone, your life will eventually be easier and better…but damn it, it doesn’t always get better when you force yourself to not feel something. The more you ignore a feeling that always comes back, the more you think about it and you will forever live with it like a troubled ghost that will never stay away.

You may have been having countless sleepless nights trying to think of a better way to let go of things, to let go of your anxieties and all the things that trigger them. It may be rather insensitive to plan out how you could forget the people you love or used to love and care about, but I know you feel as though it is the best solution especially when they are the reasons you feel stuck and not progressing.

When something doesn’t make you feel happy anymore, it’s just normal to seek for another thing that would make you feel happier or something that would bring back the happiness in your daily life. However, it is never a good thing to force yourself in a situation that constantly brings you down.

Battling your anxieties alone is the most difficult thing to do. You feel like no one understands you and that no one will ever actually listen to you when you share everything that troubles you. It is scary to trust people with your thoughts and what is even more scary is the thought that the people you trust and the people you expect to love you are the ones who are not scared to hurt and disappoint you.

So if you have to let go, let go, but you have to make sure it will make you happy in the end. Don’t ever force yourself to feel something you don’t actually feel. Don’t pretend you are not sad or lonely. Don’t hide your anger and disappointment. Don’t fake your happiness.

You deserve an eternal happiness. You deserve psychological stability. You deserve to have peace of mind.

Speak up. Express your thoughts. Express your feelings. But don’t force yourself to open up to just anyone who tells you you can trust them. Trust is being earned, and not presumed.

All That I’ve Got

I need something else

Would someone please just give me

Hit me, knock me out

And let me go back to sleep

— All That I’ve Got – The Used
My mornings usually start with looking at my phone and finding a message from my sister, and my nights usually end with another message from her reminding me how much she loves and misses me. She does this even at times I don’t get a chance to respond to her.

I have always thought that my sister is the most misunderstood member in our family. Our dad’s family has always seen her as the black sheep, psycho granddaughter, niece, daughter, cousin and sister. They think of her as someone who shouldn’t be imitated, despite the praises they give her for being so smart in school.

I remember them reminding me not to be like her. I remember myself reassuring them I won’t, although in my mind, I know that my sister is the best and I am very proud of her.

I could not blame our relatives for calling her a black sheep and for seeing her that way. She has always been the one who goes against rules when she knows that these rules violate her right as a person. I think I may have gotten that attitude from her.

My sister has a personality disorder, and she has been through a lot of traumatic events in her life. She has suffered more than I have, yet she remains to be my strength. I couldn’t be any more proud of having her as my sister. I get anxious and really depressed every single second but every time she tells me she loves me, I feel a whole lot better.

It’s a little bit funny because I know how often she gets depressed, yet she always seems so happy every time she texts me or calls me on the phone. In fact, she always sounds so cheerful and enthusiastic. I admire her ability to cover what she really feels deep inside her. I know her too well. I know she has negative thoughts and that she has still been fighting off her demons. She is doing a really good job in hiding it.

I have to admit that behind these self-strength posts I always write is an anxious and depressive woman who continuously tries to battle all the things that makes her feel bad about herself.

Every day, just like what my sister does, I do my best to be the better version of myself. I try to smile, to laugh, and to think of myself as a strong person. Sometimes I fail, but every time I do, I think of my sister and remember how she, herself, has done her best to be better, to think positively and to be happy despite every thing.

I know that we’re not perfect. We make stupid mistakes, but these mistakes help us learn and grow day by day. My sister doesn’t have to remind me to learn from her, but I do remember how she never lets her past hinder her from being the amazing person that she is.

Sometimes, we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes, we learn from others. Sometimes, we grow on our own. Sometimes, we grow with others. ❤️

I’ll be just fine

Pretending I’m not

I’m far from lonely

And it’s all that I’ve got.

Adorable

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“She is adorable,” she hears her whisper to him for the nth time.

He smiles and whispers back.

“I know she is.”

It doesn’t affect her anymore. She knows he still thinks the same way about her. She knows he still sees her as the most adorable little girl he has ever met.

…And she knows that her adorableness is the same exact reason he has decided to stop loving her.

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Shitsubou is a collection of fictional excerpts that prove how painful and beautiful love can be at the same time. (c) Diana | Toast and Tea Together

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A Letter to Myself and to Everyone Out There

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Dear you!

You are my lover, my friend, my family. You are myself, and you are my everything. When everyone else leaves, you are all I have left.

It breaks my heart to see how much you have been struggling with work and your relationship with people lately. I know how hard it could be to be in your shoes, and what gives me more pain is the fact that you think no one can be there for you when you need someone to talk to; and it is sad to know how often you give in to your anxiety every single time..

But this I say to you…

You will be okay.

I believe in your abilities to make yourself feel better on your own. You have lived through the years and you get by every day. I know sometimes you feel like ending all of your problems permanently, but you still choose to live and to love yourself every single day. That is just one proof of how strong you are.

You are strong. You will get through anything.

I know you often think no one will ever love you truthfully. I beg to disagree. Even right from the start, you already have many people adoring and loving you even from afar. I know you think that you would rather be alone than having people around you make you feel isolated.

Do not be scared to burn bridges. Do not be afraid of letting people go. Not everyone you love actually deserves your love; and no matter what negative things they say about you, I want you to stand your ground, and always think of your happiness first. You are allowed to give up on others just as long as you do not give up on yourself.

Do not settle for anyone who makes you question your morals, your values, especially your worth. You know your worth, and you know what makes you genuinely happy. Do not ever compromise your worth and happiness for anyone.

I know, for sure, that one day, someone will come along. S/he will make you feel the love you have been longing to have all over again. Don’t ever hold yourself back the way you did before. Just because you have failed in love so many times in the past doesn’t mean you can never allow yourself to fall again. Just because you have been hurt doesn’t mean you will experience the same exact pain you had.

I want you to never let anyone, not even the people you love the most, affect you so much that you lose control of yourself. Do not let people, the Church and the entire society dictate who you are and who you should be. You have lived without asking major help from anyone because you have always been responsible for yourself. You know what is right and what is wrong.

I know that you commit mistakes and that is inevitable. You are just a human, after all. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop feeling like all you do is wrong. Remember the lessons you always learn from committing your mistakes, and never regret the things you actually wanted to do.

I want you to always fight for what you think is right. Never complain without figuring out whether or not you are in the right position to do so. I want you to open your heart and listen to the people around you without immediately judging them. I want you to be critical all the time without taking away other people’s rights to defend themselves.

I want you to keep being strong, to keep living, to keep doing what you love to do. You are still young, and there are still lots of good things out there waiting for you to notice.

I want you to smile. I want you to give love without asking it back. I want your heart to remain pure.

You will be okay.

You are strong. You will get through anything.

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Senses XIV: The Sun, the Moon and the Star

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You
don’t deserve
the Sun
if you only
choose
to see it shine
and refuse
to feel the flames
of its desire.
You
don’t deserve
the moon
if you only
wish to see it glow
and never want
to see
how much darkness
it could show.
You
don’t deserve
the star
if you are only
blinded by its light
and never desire
to catch it
when it falls.
You
don’t deserve
a woman
if you only wish
to take away
her shine, her light and glow
and never plan
to feel, to see and to get to know.

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You

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I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I’ve been trying not to because I know how frustrated this would make me. So many times I find myself coming to a conclusion that I should stop. We should stop…but then I also have this tendency to convince myself to give it a try, go with the flow and see where this will take me.

I find myself falling for the things I get to know about you day by day, and it is weird how I also fall for the things I haven’t known about you yet. I keep seeing the good and the best in you, and while I am not sure if this is a good thing to do, I have also been trying to discover the worst things about you. I want to be convinced that you, despite your almost-perfect qualities, also possess something dark and diabolical.

I want something to convince me that I do not and should not like you. I want to see something that would easily and immediately make me stop from getting close to you.

But then, I am failing…

I’ve seen the things I do not like about you, personality-wise, yet I am still drawn to you. I’ve come to like even the seemingly ugliest side of you.

You.

You constrain my eudaimonia; yet you make my soul flourish.

You make my thoughts all rumbled up; yet you keep me sane.

You make my heart create its own fantasy-based reality; yet you are the reason my heart flutters like it has its own pair of wings every time.

Seven thousand miles…

That is all it has to take. I need air. I cannot breathe.

You’re getting too close.

I am getting too close.

We…are getting too close.

I am not liking the electric feeling that is radiating from you towards me across the pacific.

What do we call this? This isn’t love. It is too early to fall in love. But isn’t it also too early to fall out of love?

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Winter in My Heart

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I create my own problems.

I’ve known this fact about me for a very long time now. When everything goes the way I want it to, I find a way to create a problem and dwell on it until it’s gone.

The weather has been extremely bad during the past few days. Sometimes it is too hot. Sometimes it is too cold. Sometimes it rains so heavily, sometimes it is too sunny. These changes in the weather apparently affects me a lot. I have noticed some drastic changes in the way I think, act and behave.

How many times have I complained about the cold lately? Too many.

It’s too cold. I am freezing.

I have said this too many times to everyone around me. I have even sent it as a message to the people close to me.

You’re freezing? That’s odd. You’ve never felt too cold before.

My best friend replied, reminding me about how I dress. She is right. Usually, I never really feel the cold even in zero-degree places. I am accustomed to dressing light, and even when it is freezing outside, I still wear short dresses, high-waist shorts and sleeveless tops.

Maybe it’s just your heart.

She replied one more time. This line hit me right both in the head and in my heart.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s just my heart and my mind battling with reality. It’s so cold, yes, literally…that is right, but it is not the weather that really makes me feel so cold.

There’s winter in my heart…

And my mind is trying to find a way to battle it. I need fire to counteract it.

I need love…

But I don’t want it.

I don’t want love because when I start wanting it, I keep giving it all without expecting anything in return. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to make memories because I know that these memories will leave me haunted when the love is gone.

And so right at this moment, I may be destroying my chance of being loved.

I don’t want to create memories with anyone. I am scared of vulnerability. I have been in that state too many times before. The more I spend time with someone I really like, the more I fall into the abyss of loving that person, and the more that my desire for his/her love and all of his/her attention grows, and the least thing I want right now is for that person to feel suffocated. And so, I keep trying to push anyone away. Today, I may not want to talk to you or spend time with you, and then tomorrow, I may find myself annoying you with my “heys”, and asking for your love and attention.

It is too cold. Maybe you can give me your love to warm me up.

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My Happiness, My Choice

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Happiness is a choice, and right now, you’re either happy or you’re not choosing to be happy.

Let’s say you have been in a roller coaster of emotions lately. One second, you feel extremely happy and content by yourself. The next minute, you are in bed alone with your depressing thoughts.

Despite these, I know you still try your best to feel better. You’ve been alone most of the time, and you’ve encouraged yourself to be happy with your own company.

So lately, you haven’t really been very productive. You’ve been physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. If you were to summarize your week, you couldn’t remember a thing because all the other things you did have gone with the wind as soon as you were done with them.

Let’s say you were like me.

Let’s put yourself in my situation.

Imagine that you were me, and I were you.

Imagine that you were prettier (LOL).

Okay, that’s a bad joke. Sorry. 😛

I was feeling this way lately. I felt motivated to do nothing. Everything I did only felt like chores to me, and this wasn’t the first time. This happens to me sporadically, and when it does, I try my best to make myself feel better.

So lately, I remember doing these two things to feel better and be happy.

Staying away from social networking sites.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been on SNS a lot for the past few weeks and it has been causing me a lot of stress. Last week, I started scheduling a time where I would log out of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and all messaging apps. The struggle was real, but I tried my best to stay away from what was causing me too much stress. I feel stressed out talking to people, but sometimes, I feel more stressed out because people are not talking to me. I still log back in, of course, but I am glad to be able to stay away from socializing over the Interwebs even just for a little while.

Listening to music that I find good for my soul.

I have been seeking comfort in indie and stoner rock music lately. These are two of my favorite genre of music, and I haven’t listened to it for a long time because I’ve been caught up with so many things.

So I am stressed out and I want to be happy…Alone. I need to learn how to be happy alone.

 Now playing on repeat:

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How’s life lately?

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Don’t Worry.

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Right after I published my latest post about power clinging last night, I felt the sudden urge of loneliness and hatred rushing through my veins. I remained static in my seat as I felt my heart suddenly break into pieces. I was okay. I was happy and content while writing.

But I’ve always had problems keeping my emotions and thoughts in check.

I am not emotionally healthy.

I am not mentally fit.

“You are smart, and you are strong.”

I told myself many times as I tried to calm myself down.

“You are not okay. You have to let it all out.”

My mind told me so. And so I clenched my fists until my fingernails brought a searing but satisfying pain into my palms. I knocked the wall next to me three times. I stood up and walked out. I went to see my friends who were practicing their dance at that time — a dance that I taught them. I was supposed to guide them and dance with them.

But everything seemed so wrong.

Something was wrong, and it was making me feel uneasy.

I sat down watching them. They all looked so happy. I felt my heart harden, refusing to feel anything at all.

I decided to walk out again.

What was wrong with me, you might ask.

Nothing.

Nothing was wrong.

Everything was okay.

Everything is okay.

This has been my problem ever since I was young.

I am not emotionally healthy.

I am not mentally fit.

But you know what? I try. I try to be better. And honestly? I am becoming better at dealing with my fleeting emotions and racing thoughts now more than I ever did before.

Right now, I still don’t feel okay.

But I will be. Don’t worry. And don’t say anything stupid to me. 🙂

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Still Here

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Today, you asked me where I had been. You screamed at me and accused me of not being there for you when you needed me. I couldn’t say anything. I wanted to tell you…I wanted to say…that I had always been here. I had always been here, waiting for you. Hoping for this day when you had finally seen and noticed me. And although the way you saw me today wasn’t what I wished for, at least you had finally recognized my presence without looking for someone else.

I had always been here.

And…

I am still here.

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Social Media and People

One thing I do not like about people on social media sometimes is the fact that some of us like to exercise freedom of speech so much so that we forget other people. We forget that other people have feelings, too…that not all of us have the same degree of perception and that we don’t always have the same opinions on things.

A few daws ago, I stumbled upon a post by someone laughing at a photo that she just shared. The photo was actually a meme, and it was a joke on other people who liked to take selfies. It was questioning why some people take too many selfies every day, and post it online when in fact, other people don’t care about how they look on their selfies…that no matter how many times they do it, their physical appearance will never change…that they will never look better even if they post selfies every single day. It pained me that other people who commented on it also thought it was funny.

The other day, I also came across another post saying that it ires her seeing people post about almost everything. What? You can do everything you want, and we can’t? Who are you? The Queen? The President?

Having seen this post made me think of so many things and reflect on my own as well. I neither like nor hate people who do take selfies and share them with the world. I am not sure about how I feel for people who like to broadcast their lifestyle. They have their own ways to live and the only good thing I can do is to respect it.

Why would you question what people do when it’s not doing you any harm? It’s their way of expressing themselves, and you have your own way to express yourself, too.

If you don’t like taking pictures of yourself or sharing it with other people, then don’t. If you don’t like posting anything about your life or your feelings and thoughts, then don’t. If you don’t like seeing people who do this, then don’t. Stay out of social media. 

Everyone is different. Not all people are like you, and they don’t have to be like you. Don’t question others based on what and who you are. You may tell me, “It is just a joke.” Yes. It is only a joke, but jokes, as others say, are half meant. Jokes root from something. When you make jokes like these, it isn’t only because you find it funny. It is also because you remember something that is based on real life. You have something that triggers this joke. IT IS NOT A GOOD JOKE.

There are people out there, people who have personality disorder and anxiety issues — people who are sensitive enough to get depressed knowing that others question their ways. I know a lot of people like them. We have different ways of expressing ourselves and making ourselves feel better, and for them, this is how they do it. And people like them, when questioned, exhibit a deeper kind of demotivation and their insecurities will get more heightened. I know…because I am one of them.

You don’t know how people like us think and feel…that a simple form of banter may lead to something bigger, something unimaginable, something that your conscience will never forget. I am not asking you to stop exercising your right to express yourselves in your own way, I just ask you to be more careful of what you want to express, and to stop being ignorant of other people’s feelings.

But then again, like I said, we’re all different. This rant of mine shouldn’t define who you are. You have your own ways, so you do you.

You don’t know how people like us think and feel…that a simple form of banter may lead to something bigger, something unimaginable, something that your conscience will never forget. I am not asking you to stop exercising your right to express yourselves in your own way, I just ask you to be more careful of what you want to express.

That’s all.

Thank you. 🙂