How to be a High-Quality Person

I am here to confess and talk about friendship.

In the past four months, since I decided to move back to Manila while nursing my broken heart, I have met incredible people I now call my friends.

But how many people out of 100 would one really consider friends? What type of people would you genuinely call your friends?

For me, it is very important that you only surround yourself with people who are high-quality. Why? BECAUSE YOU NEED TO SEE YOURSELF AS A HIGH-QUALITY PERSON. And as a high-quality person, you need to be with people who are exactly just like you.

High-quality people will make you a better you. They will inspire and motivate you to think big. They have gone through a lot in their lives and have learned from all of it. Being around them will also awaken that burning desire of you to learn and improve yourself.

When you think of high-quality people, the first thing that may come into your mind is rich people, especially those who have gone from rags to riches. But based on my own observation and personal experience with people I have met in the last four months, it doesn’t really matter whether you were born with a silver spoon in your mouths or not, or if you just eked out for a living so much so that you eventually found the pot of gold that lifted you out of poverty.

So how do you become a high-quality person to your friends?

Here are high qualities you must possess:

  • Know the value of the time they spend with you.
  • Appreciate their presence.
  • Value their time and effort.
  • Reciprocate.
  • Do not let them down. In times of crisis, always try to be there and not leave them behind.
  • Don’t turn your back on them.
  • Defend them when you know they need it and deserve it.
  • Help them become a better version of themselves.
  • Do not spill their secrets to others even to strangers.
  • Do not talk bad about them because you know what it feels like to be in their situation.

Low-Qualities you should not possess:

Thinking highly of yourself and taking other people’s time for granted.

You see, everyone’s time is valuable. But for some reason, there are people who think their time is the most precious and most valuable thing in this world. People who act like this are usually those who are socially and economically blessed. They think they are higher than you are because they are successful and you are not, so you do not have any rights to complain about anything,

They get mad once you make them feel like you don’t appreciate the time they make for you. But to be honest, they only think about themselves. Most of the time, they are the ones who do not appreciate and value the time you spend on them. They do not see that making time for one another is a two-way street. Do not follow these people.

Only seeing a friend as a backup plan.

At one point in your life, you will come across people who will only see you as a backup plan and put you at the very bottom of their priority list. You do not need these people. You do not deserve to be a second thought or someone they can just pick or choose whenever they want or when they are left with zero options. No one deserves that.

Spilling secrets and violating others’ privacy.

Another thing low-quality people do is talking about someone behind their back and telling people their secrets. I have met this group of friends four months ago. At first, I had a very high sense of respect for them. They are successful with their businesses, living a really good life. But as time went by, I slowly lost my respect for them and realized they weren’t the right people to look up to.

Why? Because they tolerate one another’s bullshits and then talk bad about one another. One example will have to do with cheating. Two guys cheat on their “wives” on a regular basis and their friends support them, even lending them their space for a night so they can sleep with different women other than their supposedly “wives”. Another guy plays around and sleeps with different women, treating them as objects, taking videos of them while doing intimate stuff. What else? Oh…let’s not forget the fact I was sexually harassed by one of them.

These people have no respect for others, especially women. For them, women are to be objectified and ridiculed for their bodies. And I hate it. I hate it so much. I cringe when I think about it and I regret surrounding myself with them. Learn from my mistakes. You should never ever surround yourself with low-quality people like them.

And I hate to say this, but…most of the time, what a person is has something to do with how he was raised. If a person grew up being disrespectful and not being taught with proper manners, it will be hard for him to change.

Hence, I don’t see hope for low-quality people. The only hope I see now is for you…to be able to get rid of them and not replicate them.

THE QUALITY OF A PERSON ISN’T MEASURED BY HOW MUCH HE POSSESSES BUT BY HOW HE WAS RAISED AND WHO HE IS IN GENERAL. 

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II Senses V: When I Look At You

I wonder how you feel
when I look at you.
Do you get
uncomfortable
as I stare at your
physique, or
when I examine
every part of your body
with my eyes?
I wonder how you feel
every time I study
your every angle
and every curve,
and how you curse
yourself within your head
when you get too affected;
And I wonder
if you know
when I look at you,
your eyes take me to
a different place
and your face looks like
art that deserves
to be praised
I wish I could
freeze the time
so I could enjoy
just watching you
live your life
and I’d be happy
just admiring you
from afar
and greeting you
countless goodnights.

Open Letter: To You Who Love Me When I Couldn’t Love Myself

“To become whole is to love all of our parts.”

— Mark Groves

For the longest time, I have been wondering why I seem to have constantly been asking for reciprocated love and attention from those who are close to my heart. 

I have never fully understood until I’ve realized that I actually lack love for myself. I have always been that person who would tell other people to always be strong and to always choose theirselves first, but in reality, I unconsciously disobey my own words. 

To other people, I am just that brave and bubbly little girl who doesn’t care about the world, but to those I allow to see the real me, I am that woman who has been struggling to love herself for a long, long time but is willing to change her view of herself for her own good. I know my worth and I am aware that myself is my own enemy. I’m not going to stop seeking for love and attention from the people I love but I am going to start loving myself more. 

And all of these, I have realized because of you.

I can never measure how grateful I am for having you in my life. You have always been good for my soul since the very start, and that’s something I am really thankful for. You have never really left me, and although you are not physically here right now, it still feels like you are around, and that you have always been here all along.

You make me the happiest person in the world every time you give me your attention. I have never had anyone who actually paid enough attention on me before, and all of these emotions I am feeling now are still unfamilar to me.

I never knew how happy I could be to have someone like you in my life. I have never felt so much love and care before. No one has ever expressed any concern for me besides my family, and I am afraid that all of these good and positive emotions I have overwhelm me.

I am overwhelmed because I have never truly experienced these in the past. You are the first person who has actually accepted me for who I am. And now that you have seen even the darkest side of me, I am hoping that you will still love every part of me, and that no matter what happens, you will still be patient enough to put up with me.

I never want to doubt your intention. I want to trust you, and I am slowly  learning to. Many people have ruined my trust before, and even though I try to think positively about you all the time, I still have those moments when I think about just leaving you. I could never imagine leaving you, but I am also scared of being left behind.

I hope that you will never get tired of me, even at times when I annoy you so much. It is true when people say that the only enemy you have is yourself. I have been constantly battling with myself and I am doing my best to fight for you. My mind always tells me to just give up on myself, but my heart would always contradict and convince me to still go on, and that is also because of you.

You keep me holding on. You inspire me to be a better person. You bring light into my soul, and for that, I am massively thankful.

I am now able to appreciate myself the same way I appreciate you. I have to admit I still fail to see the good side of me at times, but I strive to always keep a positive mind. Thank you for being with me. I will never stop reminding you how much I appreciate everything you do, and I just hope you will never get tired hearing me say it.

Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself, and I will do my best to learn until I love myself as much as I love you.

Open Letter: To Anyone Battling Anxiety Alone

I thought that if you just try to ignore everything that makes you feel anxious, worried and nostalgic…if you just keep thinking that everything is going to be fine…if you just keep reminding yourself how strong and brave you are, and that you can get through any hardships alone, your life will eventually be easier and better…but damn it, it doesn’t always get better when you force yourself to not feel something. The more you ignore a feeling that always comes back, the more you think about it and you will forever live with it like a troubled ghost that will never stay away.

You may have been having countless sleepless nights trying to think of a better way to let go of things, to let go of your anxieties and all the things that trigger them. It may be rather insensitive to plan out how you could forget the people you love or used to love and care about, but I know you feel as though it is the best solution especially when they are the reasons you feel stuck and not progressing.

When something doesn’t make you feel happy anymore, it’s just normal to seek for another thing that would make you feel happier or something that would bring back the happiness in your daily life. However, it is never a good thing to force yourself in a situation that constantly brings you down.

Battling your anxieties alone is the most difficult thing to do. You feel like no one understands you and that no one will ever actually listen to you when you share everything that troubles you. It is scary to trust people with your thoughts and what is even more scary is the thought that the people you trust and the people you expect to love you are the ones who are not scared to hurt and disappoint you.

So if you have to let go, let go, but you have to make sure it will make you happy in the end. Don’t ever force yourself to feel something you don’t actually feel. Don’t pretend you are not sad or lonely. Don’t hide your anger and disappointment. Don’t fake your happiness.

You deserve an eternal happiness. You deserve psychological stability. You deserve to have peace of mind.

Speak up. Express your thoughts. Express your feelings. But don’t force yourself to open up to just anyone who tells you you can trust them. Trust is being earned, and not presumed.

II Senses IV: Say My Name

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Say my name out loud
until you forget
all the other people
who have ever felt
your heart
through your skin,
and heard your thoughts
through your screams;
just say my name
and I will be in your dreams.

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II Senses III: Never Hold Back

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Put your hands
on my chest,
dig your nails
and crush my legs,
feel my clavicle
then leave a trace,
curse my name
with so much grace
Always remember
you are my thunder —
you can get mad
and you can get loud,
you can attack,
just never hold back.

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Open Letter: Dear Mr. Independent

You consider yourself independent because you can support yourself and you do not seek any kinds of assistance from others. You have a stable high-paying job, and you have enough, if not overflowing amount of money to provide you a lifetime of luxury. In fact, you may even have your own company where you pay others to work for you.

Of course, it is just expected that when it comes to finding a potential partner, you try your best to find that person who is exactly the same as you are, someone we also call Miss Independent.

You have to remember that although she could be the same as you, she is actually different. She may make enough money for herself, so she wouldn’t have to depend from others financially. She does things on her own and she lives away from her family. She is hardworking. She would rather starve working than have someone feeding her for free. She could be poor, but she has enough and that’s all that matters to her.

Of course, just because she chooses to stay somewhere that only gives her enough to feed herself, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have other dreams in life. She knows she shouldn’t settle for less, but she also believes in being happy with a job. She believes in learning and growing while passionately working.

You also have to know and remember that she is not a charity case. Maybe she lacks a lot of luxurious things in life, but it doesn’t mean that just because she doesn’t have something, she cannot afford it. She can buy things when she needs it, not just when she wants it. And sometimes she would rather spend her money on other people than spend it for herself.

She knows which things and people to prioritize. Miss Independent has a firm belief that in order to survive being independent, she has to keep in mind that she only has to focus on what she needs. She knows that once she gives in to her wants, she wouldn’t be able to control herself. She believes that if she wants something, she has to work for it, and she doesn’t want to waste anything she has worked hard for.

She will try to outsmart anyone who threatens her independence. She will try to avoid people whom she thinks will make her feel frustrated and vulnerable. She will try to avoid getting attracted to people like you.

In the end, if you try hard to get her attention, she will slowly start loving you and she will give her everything to you — her heart, her mind, her body and her soul. Although she is independent in other aspects of her life, you will find out that she is actually not emotionally independent. She will try to hide it from you or from anyone, but you will find it out.

She will tell you how she feels but she will not repeat herself. Please, don’t make her repeat herself. She knows when she is not being appreciated and recognized, which is why she could get easily upset. She would never tell you what she is upset about, so you have to know it’s related to her feelings somehow.

Miss Independent likes to repress her feelings and desires to avoid coming out as a weak person to you. She wants you to know she is strong and brave. She wants you to know she can live without you even when she can’t.

Because of that Mr. Independent, I hope that you could still be her rock even when she thinks she can stand on her own feet. I hope you could still be her strength, inspire and motivate her, understand her and be patient with her and love her without judgment.

You see, Mr. Independent, you are exactly the same independent people, but you actually are different from each other. You can be both physically and emotionally independent, while she may only possess half of the equation.

Being independent does not mean you do not need anyone in your life. We all need someone who will remind us how strong we are, someone who will love us unconditionally, someone who is willing to be there even when we think we don’t need them.

And sometimes, we just need someone who can make us feel vulnerable and weak, so we’d remember that we’re actually humans.

Open Letter: Just Let Them Go

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How many times have you blamed yourself for whatever happened to people you used to care about? Has this helped you feel better in any way? I sure am not. Hence, instead of constantly blaming yourself for a failed relationship or friendship, it would be better for you to just let go. Let go of people. Let go of yourself. Let go of your feelings. But when do you know it is time to let go and which people do you need to disassociate yourself with?

WHO TO LET GO

01 That person who ONLY talks to you when s/he needs something from you.

Sometimes you meet someone and at first, things go really well between the two of you…until you notice that you have started talking to each other less and less. And one day, this person comes to you and asks you for help. Of course, being the good person that you are, you will help him/her, and s/he goes on with his/her life once again.

02 That person who only talks about himself/herself.

This person does not ask about you after you ask her how his/her day has been. This is the person who does not ask for your opinion or reaction right after s/he shares his/hers and would go on talking until s/he can’t say anything anymore.

03 That person who only listens so s/he could talk, or that friend who doesn’t listen at all.

Yes, s/he listens to you, but only because s/he wants to say something about it. Sometimes, s/he even pretends to listen and becomes impatient and hurry you up, so s/he could finally share his/her thoughts.

04 That person who only sees you as a rebound friend, manipulates you and guilt-trips you.

S/he only knows you when his/her other friends are not around,and s/he tries to manipulate you to get what s/he wants. S/he constantly asks for your attention when  no one is giving it to him/her, and would guilt-trip you when s/he is not getting anything from you.

05 That person who only remembers you during the bad times.

I mean…it is very nice to think that someone remembers you during their bad days, but if they are only there with you because they know you would help them feel better, is that still a good thing? Definitely not. This person would surely forget you exist once their bad days are over.

06 That person who only sees your bad qualities and does not recognize the good things you have done.

There are people who always see the best in you, while there are also some who only remember you for your bad qualities. Everyone has their own dark side, but if a person only sees the bad in you, and does not recognize that you also have good qualities, then you will just spend your life trying to figure out why this person does not see you the way others do.

07 That person whose behavior changes according to people s/he is with.

We cannot avoid meeting and interacting with someone whose behavioral acts differ according to the people they are with. One time, they are so good around you, and the next time they are with another group of people, they change, and they treat you a bit differently.

08 That person who forgets to invite you.

There is nothing more painful than not being invited to a party, an outing, an event or even to dinner by someone you expect to be your friend. It makes you feel like you are just an option and your presence does notreally matter that much.

09 That person who doesn’t bother to call when you are sick or when you are in a terrible situation.

This person wouldn’t dare to call because s/he doesn’t care whether or not you are coping up well or not.

10 That person who does not care whether or not you let go of him/her.

It is hard to accept, but there are people who do not see our importance in their lives. If you do not matter to someone, then s/he wouldn’t care whether or not you stay or leave.

At first, you will of course try your best to work things out, but if it doesn’t work out and you’re the only one trying to make an effort, then have a little respect for yourself and open your eyes to the fact that it is not going to work out anymore.

Letting go of these kinds of people are sometimes the best thing one can do. It may make you look selfish and insensitive, but you have to remember that before you have to offer your love and trust to people, you have to trust and love youself first. You have to focus on what makes you happy, and remember not to give everything, as it may just cause you pain in the long run.

Don’t ever blame yourself for a failed relationship. Don’t be so hard on yourself. People come and go, and it isn’t your fault. Sometimes people have to leave because it is for the best.

When your relationship or your friendship is no longer growing, but is slowly going down the drain instead, and you can no longer do anything to work it out, letting go is sometimes the better option than staying and letting the relationship ruin each of you.

When you decide to let go of the people that once meant so much to you, sometimes you won’t help but feel guilty. You feel guilty for letting things get in the way. You’d also probably feel like a loser because you are choosing to give up.

But no…giving up doesn’t always make you a loser. It makes you a winner because you have the courage and strength to let go of something that was very important to you, but doesn’t see your importance.

You have to remember that you are one special piece of snowflake, and you, just like everyone else, deserve better.

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Open Letter to the One I Fought For: She Was Wrong About Us

Four months ago, somebody told me I will never be happy and content with my life if I don’t change, and that I will never be able to find anyone who will love me for what and who I am. Somebody told me I am not mature enough, and that I need to grow up and learn to love myself first before I offer my love to someone else.

Nobody told me that you were gonna come and prove that person how wrong it was to judge me like that. You came into the picture, and I never stopped smiling since then.

Up until now, you try your best to make me happy. I know that it frustrates you sometimes as I have sporadic moodiness, yet you never give up.

You make me feel better about myself. You help me grow, and you boost my confidence in a really good way.

For the first time in my life, I am content, and I couldn’t ask for more. You are giving me your love while I am still trying to learn how to love myself.

I can no longer count the many times you have to put up with my complicated attitude. You know I could be handful, but you still see the best in me.

For all these things you do for me, I am truly grateful. I must have done something great in my past life that is making me worthy of having you in my life.

I appreciate every little thing you do — all the forehead kisses, the small talks and the deep conversations, when you let me sleep on your arm, when you put your hands on my back, when you listen to me talk about what bothers me or what makes me anxious, for tolerating my dramatic moments and for knowing when to call me out.

Thank you.
Thank you for making me happy.
Thank you for inspiring me and for motivating me every day.
Thank you for being my light.
I can never be more proud of you.

If I ever come across that somebody who has made me feel bad about myself, I’d be so happy to tell her how wrong she was in so many levels.

She was wrong when she said that I have problems when it comes to choosing the people who I let into my life. Maybe I did when I let her affect and influence me.

She was wrong when she made it sound like it was not a good thing to make friends with people I am not sure I will ever have a chance to meet. Making friends is not just about trying to meet them in person. Making friends is about connection. It is about being able to relate to one another without the need to actually physically be together.

She was wrong when she said I am selfish and I only think about myself. Maybe I am selfish, but only to people who do not deserve my selflessness. Maybe I only think about myself, but why not? I have to learn how to love myself first to be able to love others, didn’t she say that?

She was wrong when she thought I can never be fully content in a relationship because I am still immature. My level of maturity does not measure my contentment. I have to admit I am not fully grown up yet. I am still in my early twenties, and I still have so many things to learn. Why am I being judged for that?

She was wrong in so many ways, and it is really funny how the people who judge us are the ones who barely know anything about us.

She was wrong when she said you were going to break my heart. She said you were not going to last long. She was wrong, and I am grateful because you turned out to be the right one…the right one for me.

And once again, I am very thankful we have found each other. I am very grateful for having you in my life and for not letting her keep me from finding out how amazing you truly are. Thank you for coming, and for helping me realize that toxic people like her actually exist and the best thing we can do is to avoid them.

Thank you for instilling peace and optimism in my heart, mind and soul, for helping me see the light, and for making me realize that sometimes we need someone like her so we could learn how to be extra cautious when meeting people.

Thank you because now, I have the courage to tell everyone how wrong she was about me, about you…about us.

The least thing we need in our lives are people who overanalyze every thing we do and easily misjudge who we are. Now I understand why we have to stay away from people who make us feel bad about ourselves.

Never let a single person dictate who we are because there are other people out there who continuously believe in us. We, ourselves, are the ones who define who we really are.

Ephemeral

Roses never die;

they wither

like the ephemeral thoughts

I have about you

and the useless

feelings you have

for me.

What I Learned From Five Years of Trial and Error

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Note: This is a revised edition of an older post. Please do not read if you hate labeling/naming people. Also, I am not a dating expert nor am I well-experienced, so just enjoy this post.

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The way I see it, life gets too complicated sometimes because we undergo so many stages and changes while growing up. And in each stage we go through, we experience trial and error in so many ways, especially in terms of our relationships with our family, friends and special loved ones.

I had been single for five years before I got in my previous relationship, but I did go out with some people within those years. It was more of a choice. I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship yet. Despite that, I spent some of my time trying to get to know people. While meeting and getting to know those people, I have realized how different they all were, yet they all had one thing in common. They were all nice, but they weren’t the one I imagined to share portions (if not the rest) of my life with. 

Within years of dating, I have learned a lot of things and it changed my perspective in life a bit. They say we spend most of our life doing important things like studying, working, taking care of our family and friends, and making our life better in general, while some of it is spent finding the right person we want to share the rest of our life with.

Here are some of the people I got to know (note: I don’t really like labeling people but I’d like to be specific with their description) and learned a lot from…

The Stalker

I met this guy in high school and we were actually recognized by people as a ‘couple.’ Well, unfortunately, we actually weren’t…at least that was what I thought. He thought, on the other hand, that the moment I said “yes, we can have coffee together,” it already meant “yes, I would love to be your girlfriend.” This is the person I kind of felt bad for because he actually introduced me to his parents and his parents thought we were serious. Well, he was serious to the point of stalking me not only physically, but also virtually. He knew everything about me. What I did, who I talked to or where I went. He still follows me until now even when he himself is already in a committed relationship with a great and beautiful woman, who I happened to know.

The Wo-Man

I went out with this guy next, and he was a really good person. He was very nice but everyone thought he was gay. He was more feminine than I was at that time. He would always carry a bottle of loose face powder and he would always smell like a baby, which I found really amusing. His voice was also too soft. He was a real GENTLEman, and I really liked him. I was, however, worried he would ask for my makeup in the future, and although that sounds fun, I would still prefer someone who wouldn’t use up all of my beauty products. Haha!

The Narcissistic

Honestly, I am not good at receiving compliments. I also suck at giving the people I like good compliments. I always end up screwing things. But then I met this guy who was also very nice, yet asked for my compliments all the time. He would always throw beautiful words at me just so I could tell him how good looking he was. He wanted me to do that almost all the time. He would send me photos every time, and he would wait for me to give him compliments. When I didn’t, he wouldn’t talk to me for days. How great was that?

The Patriarch

This guy had the same qualities as The Narcissistic. He also liked being complimented although I could feel a bit of insecurity in him. Wait. Scratch that. He was actually very insecure that was why he liked it when I gave him compliments. He had always felt so threatened by my personality, and he would call me out when he thought I was trying to intimidate him. He wanted to be the one who would always be pleased, and not the one who would always please. He hated doing things for me because he thought that I should be the one doing things for him.

The Ghost

I don’t think I still need to explain this one, but yes. This guy liked to appear and then disappear all of a sudden. One day, he would show up and ask me to have dinner with him. The next day, he would be gone. Months after, he would show up again and then gone again…for good.

The Baby

This guy just wanted to find out if I was physically blessed enough or not. Apparently, he thought he was still a baby who needed to be breast fed.

The Manipulative

This was the guy who would always call me manipulative when we fought, so he could gaslight and guilt trip me. He would tell me I did things when in fact, I barely did anything. He liked to manipulate. He made me upset about things I didn’t do, so I could do other things for him.

The PSYCHOlogist

This guy actually studied Psychology, but man was he a psycho, too. He would always try to analyze both of my verbal and non-verbal action, and he would always give me advice. His advice was actually a bit helpful, especially when I was at my lowest and I didn’t know what to do. I said he was a psycho because when things didn’t work out for the both of us, he threatened me he would post pictures of me on the Internet. So until now, I have been waiting for my nudes to leak online. I wonder when I’d be famous for it. He’s taking such a long timeeeeeee.

(Of course I am kidding. I never sent nudes. I’ve only sent him selfies. Haha)

The Depressed

I really liked this guy. He was very compassionate. Yet, he was depressed all the time. He would easily get upset about random things and when he did, he would not talk to me for days. He would tell me about it though, unlike the guy who just appeared and disappeared for months.

If you have noticed, I focused on their specific weak/negative points more than their good ones. Apparently, things didn’t work out for me and each of these guys. Although I had also seen good qualities in them, they were just not the right ones for me. They all possessed qualities I didn’t like more than the things I liked. 

After seeing these guys, I have formed an image of my ideal person in my mind. I wanted someone who was like this or someone who was like that and so many other things. I said I wanted someone who doesn’t possess all of those qualities I just enumerated above.

But do you know what I realized? I learned that when you actually fall for someone, you wouldn’t know it immediately. You wouldn’t know that you are subconsciously liking him/her already and you would suddenly forget about all the standards you have set. What you look for an ideal partner wouldn’t matter anymore because the person you fall in love with will suddenly be your ideal person by default.

Slowly and surely, all the characteristics the person you love has will be the ideal characteristics you want to see in your ideal partner. You learn to accept who this person is and love him/her without judgment.

I never liked brown eyes before. I never liked men older than I am. I never liked guys who make me feel uncomfortable and make me go out of my comfort zone. I never liked a partner with a very strong personality. I never liked men who talk about finance, material and monetary value and popularity before.

But now, I do. I have started learning to like the things I never liked before.

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All That I’ve Got

I need something else

Would someone please just give me

Hit me, knock me out

And let me go back to sleep

— All That I’ve Got – The Used
My mornings usually start with looking at my phone and finding a message from my sister, and my nights usually end with another message from her reminding me how much she loves and misses me. She does this even at times I don’t get a chance to respond to her.

I have always thought that my sister is the most misunderstood member in our family. Our dad’s family has always seen her as the black sheep, psycho granddaughter, niece, daughter, cousin and sister. They think of her as someone who shouldn’t be imitated, despite the praises they give her for being so smart in school.

I remember them reminding me not to be like her. I remember myself reassuring them I won’t, although in my mind, I know that my sister is the best and I am very proud of her.

I could not blame our relatives for calling her a black sheep and for seeing her that way. She has always been the one who goes against rules when she knows that these rules violate her right as a person. I think I may have gotten that attitude from her.

My sister has a personality disorder, and she has been through a lot of traumatic events in her life. She has suffered more than I have, yet she remains to be my strength. I couldn’t be any more proud of having her as my sister. I get anxious and really depressed every single second but every time she tells me she loves me, I feel a whole lot better.

It’s a little bit funny because I know how often she gets depressed, yet she always seems so happy every time she texts me or calls me on the phone. In fact, she always sounds so cheerful and enthusiastic. I admire her ability to cover what she really feels deep inside her. I know her too well. I know she has negative thoughts and that she has still been fighting off her demons. She is doing a really good job in hiding it.

I have to admit that behind these self-strength posts I always write is an anxious and depressive woman who continuously tries to battle all the things that makes her feel bad about herself.

Every day, just like what my sister does, I do my best to be the better version of myself. I try to smile, to laugh, and to think of myself as a strong person. Sometimes I fail, but every time I do, I think of my sister and remember how she, herself, has done her best to be better, to think positively and to be happy despite every thing.

I know that we’re not perfect. We make stupid mistakes, but these mistakes help us learn and grow day by day. My sister doesn’t have to remind me to learn from her, but I do remember how she never lets her past hinder her from being the amazing person that she is.

Sometimes, we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes, we learn from others. Sometimes, we grow on our own. Sometimes, we grow with others. ❤️

I’ll be just fine

Pretending I’m not

I’m far from lonely

And it’s all that I’ve got.

Beauty in Her Eyes

She looked at her dress

the way a little girl stared at a popsicle;

Amazed by its color and beauty, 

unaware of her own magnificence.

II Senses I: Landmark

HorizontalBar_1You are
the city I want to
build my empire in,
I want to own you;
to possess you;
to dig my nails in you,
I want to learn
every bits and pieces
that make up
your entire existence,
I want to plant
my future in you
In your soiled body
In your concrete heart
I would lay my hands
in every part of you
You who make my soul rejoice
You who make my body convulse
with the fact that you —
You are my favorite landmark —
a landmark I yearn for
every single split second;
A place I will always
go back to.

Note: This is Chapter II of my Senses poetry series. I hope you enjoyed it! ❤🌻

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Love at First Fight

It wasn’t love at first sight. In fact, it was love at first fight. It started with me calling him gay because of his knee–high socks, and asking him where he bought his beard. He pissed me off to a point that I gathered all of my strength and courage to personally confront him through a private conversation.

Me: Are you crazy?
Him: *confused*

We sorted things out and settled it, but the butterflies didn’t appear just yet. To me, he was the most annoying person I’ve ever met. To him, I was just another girl attempting to catch his attention by throwing a fit at him, even though in reality, I wasn’t.

I was still in the process of healing at the time he came into my life. I had ended a long-time and unhealthy relationship, and even though it had already been months since that happened, I was still trying to slowly get back on my feet.

I had to admit, I didn’t have any intentions to feel something for him. He was out of my league. He was someone I didn’t want to surround myself with, but every time I tried to stay away, he still found his way into my life.

My previous relationship was a sad one. It was unhealthy for me. I was with someone who was dealing with emotional and mental problems, and didn’t make any extra effort to actually make our relationship work. Although I tried my best to understand, it came to a point when all the strength I had for this person was nowhere to be found anymore. I was guilt-tripped and manipulated, and it took me a long time to realize it.

And that may be one of the reasons I tried to push him away. I was scared of falling and being in a relationship again. I thought I wasn’t ready to get emotionally attached with anyone. Besides, it was too good to be true. He was too nice to me. No matter how mean I got to him, he still remained good to me. And because of that, I slowly and surely fell again.

The very first time I saw him, I felt my heart drop down my intestines to my uterus, and then to my feet. I ate every negative word I said to him. He became the very first person that made me literally whisper “carpe diem”, syllable by syllable in the open air.

I fell in love with the goodness of his heart. His willingness and his presistence helped me replace my dark, tired heart with a brighter, new one.

I fell in love with the beauty of his sound. His voice, his music — the very first time I listened to it, I felt electricity running through my veins. I was ecstatic. I’ve always admired musically inclined people.

Even his laugh sounded like music to my ears. I could listen to him and stare at his beautiful face all day, and not get tired of it even though he made it clear to me that staring at him would make him feel uncomfortable. He never knew I had always liked making him feel that way.

I fell in love with the warmth of his body. I have always been cold, and out of all the people I’ve met, his touch is the warmest.

I fell in love with all the smallest things he did. I have always been the simple girl in town. Although I could try to be luxurious in so many things, I never did. Simplicity has always been my kind of thing; and when I saw how simple he could be, I felt my lips slowly curved in an upward motion.

I fell in love with his generosity and his willingness to extend his hands. He showed me a differend kind of generosity — the most outstanding kind. He had never made me feel alone. There may have been times when I did feel like no one could ever understand me, but I saw how hard he tried to be there.

I fell in love with him, and I would fall in love with him over and over again.

My love for him is so much different from the love I used to give to people. I love annoying him. I love contradicting him. I love saying the opposite thing when he tells me something. I love being mean to him. I love making things hard and complicated for him. I give him my worst attitude, and sometimes, I say the most stupid things to him; yet every time I do it, he never seems to take it seriously and I am thankful of how patient and good he is.

I may be very lucky to have him as I have never felt happier ever since I met him. It’s crazy how the Universe conspires against you sometimes. It gives you something when you don’t want it…and then you will learn to accept it and realize you actually want it.

It wasn’t love at first sight, but it is the kind of love that’s going to last until I lose my sight.

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Fifteen Signs Your Best Friend is the Ultimate Best

There is no perfect way to be a friend. I know because I admit that I am not the most perfect friend, and I may not be the most ideal best friend to anyone.

There are moments in my life when I feel like making friends with everyone I meet, but then I get hesitant about it in fear of not being able to deliver what is expected from me.

I have been thinking about it lately. This may be one of the things that happen when you are out of work for a while. You get to have more time to think of things that didn’t concern you before.

It’s important to have lots of friends, so you will never have to worry about missing out or not being able to keep track of your social life. However, sometimes it can be a bit frustrating, especially when you cannot really distinguish who your actual friends are, and who are just keeping you for their own social benefits. Not all your acquaintances are your friends, and not all the people you call your best friends actually see you the same way. It is something I have learned the hard way.

Let’s say you have a total of 150 personal friends. These friends are the ones you met at the playground when you were younger, in school when you were studying, at work or anywhere in the globe. These are the people you have had actual human interactions with.

Let’s say you have a total of 4,000 Facebook friends, and 11,000 Instagram and Twitter followers. Ten of these people are the ones you consider your best friends, including your mom and dad.

You have the fluctuating amount of people that will ensure you a lifetime of social interaction. Out of the thousands of people you have in your life, there are only three to five people (your family not included) who treat you a bit more differently than an ordinary friend does. These people are your best friends, and it is very important that you recognize these people for keeping you on the loop.

I have to say I am very thankful that I am blessed with the bestest best friends ever. I’ve had so many people I’ve considered my best friends before but things don’t always work out, and it’s alright. Things like that happen because they let us learn and they lead us to the right path.

Fifteen Signs Your Best Friend is Actually the Ultimate Best

01 You have an extraordinary cerebrum connection.

With just one look, you already know what each of you is thinking. So many times you even say the same exact words at the same time because it seems as though your brains are connected.

02 S/he knows what you like and dislike without you having to say it.

S/he pays attention to everything you do and say, and you won’t even notice it. S/he takes mental notes of it, and remembers the things that you like and dislike.

03 S/he understands your mood swings.

Everyone has mood swings, regardless of gender. Your ultimate best friend will understand when you suddenly or randomly lash out at him/her for no reason. S/he knows when you’re just having a bad day, and s/he tries to make you feel better by distracting you and making you forget of what has been causing your moodiness.

04 S/he is as crazy as you.

If you have sporadic mood swings, s/he does, too. And just like him/her, you understand it. Sometimes s/he does and makes you do crazy things, and vice versa. It’s both his/her and your craziness that connects the two of you.

05 S/he constantly annoys you.

Your ultimate best friend is imperfect. S/he doesn’t always make you smile. Sometimes s/he also annoys and bugs you. As his/her ultimate best friend, this doesn’t really bother you at all. Even when s/he keeps distracting you or teasing you at times you don’t need it, you still smile because you know that s/he is just vying for your attention.

06 S/he could be a bit childish.

Even a mature person could be a little bit childish sometimes. When s/he feels like you are starting to forget his/her existence, s/he pretends to throw a fit and makes you feel bad for not giving him/her attention.

07 S/he pretends to be high maintenance, but s/he actually isn’t.

Sometimes s/he makes you feel like s/he is being high maintenance, but she actually isn’t. S/he knows that if you really see him/her as your best friend, s/he doesn’t need to be high maintenance. S/he doesn’t need to be constantly talking to you because s/he knows that you have other priorities, and s/he does, too.

08 S/he cares a lot about you, and knows when something is wrong.

Even when you’re not saying it, s/he could feel when something is wrong. S/he knows you very well that s/he could easily detect when something is disturbing you, or when you don’t feel okay. S/he would annoyingly ask you about it, and won’t stop until you say it.

09 S/he knows when to stay and when to leave you alone.

S/he understands that you need some space sometimes, and so s/he gives you time to think and reflect on your own. However, s/he also knows when to stay even when you insist on being alone. Sometimes s/he knows that when you ask him/her to go, you actually want him/her to stay.

10 S/he doesn’t give up on you.

No matter how many times you put him/her off, and no matter how hard you try to push him/her away, s/he still stays with you and doesn’t leave you behind. S/he knows and understands that sometimes you get depressed and anxious, and all you really need is someone who will never give up on you.

11 S/he doesn’t get insecure, and she doesn’t compete with you.

S/he knows that you and him/her have special characteristics, skills and abilities. S/he doesn’t get insecure or jealous of you, because s/he also knows s/he is special. S/he never tries to compete with you. Maybe sometimes, but it is only so you could both laugh at how crazy you both are for thinking you could compete with each other. Sometimes you will find yourselves telling each other who is better, but end up saying that no one is better than the other, and that you’re actually better together.

12 S/he supports you, and is always proud of you.

Whatever happens, s/he makes it a point to always support you. S/he tells you how happy s/he is for you when something great happens. Sometimes s/he is too proud of you that s/he cannot help but tell the world how amazing you are.

13 S/he shares everything with you for as much as she could.

It could be food, bed and every little secret s/he has. Everything she has could be yours because s/he is confident that you would do the same for him/her. S/he trusts you, and s/he would share anything for as much as s/he has it.

14 S/he sees the best in you.

At times you don’t see anything good about yourself, s/he is there to let you know how amazing you are. S/he sees the best in you, and no matter how many times you feel low, s/he will never think negatively of you.

15 S/he loves you more than you will ever know.

Even when you’re far apart, s/he makes sure that you never forget how much s/he loves you. Even when you don’t talk to each other for a while because you are both busy, when you finally get to talk, it will feel like nothing has changed. The conversation you had last week or last month would feel like it was just yesterday. Sometimes s/he forgets to tell you s/he loves you because s/he’s only human, but you know that s/he does love you, and no words are needed for you to get reminded of it.

This list is pretty subjective, and I only base it on my own experience. Like I said, there is no perfect way to be a friend or a best friend. Your best friend may not have all of these signs, but it does not make them less of a friend. It also does not mean that your best friend is the only one who does these things. Friendship and any relationships is a two-way street, and it requires the people involve to have a reciprocating and harmonious connection.

So I also came up with this:

One Sign You Are the Ultimate Best Friend to Your Ultimate Best Friend

You subconsciously exhibit all of these signs.

Senses XX: The End

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Please let me go

I don’t want to beg

If you no longer care

this is the end;

I don’t want your hands

anywhere near me

I no longer want your eyes

feasting on my body;

I do not want your palms

resting on my chest,

I no longer want your thighs

rubbing against my legs,

I do not want to see your body

lying next to me at night,

I no longer want to know

if we’re going to be alright;

Since it’s the end

I want you to know

If you do not love me

Please let me go.

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Thank you so much to everyone who has read my “Senses” poetry series. Unfortunately, this may be the last installation. I hope you enjoyed it so far.

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Senses XIX: Never Stop

It’s no longer a secret

how much I love you —

I love you so much

I find it hard to breathe;

I love you so much

I long for you

even with the shortest

distance between us;

I love you so much

I can never stop

staring at you —

your beautiful brown eyes,

your face,

your shoulder,

your arms,

your body;

I love you so much

I can never stop secretly

admiring your beauty;

I love you so much

And I will never ever stop

even when the day comes

you want me

to stop breathing for you.

A Little Thought on Commitment

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Sometimes people do not want to commit to you regardless of how much they like you or how good you make them feel.

Sometimes they just suddenly stay away from you or stop loving you further to save themselves from vulnerability. It is simply a selfish and nonsensical reason.

Does the inability to commit yourself to someone you like affect your maturity when it comes to relationships? I am not sure; but I do know that when people cannot commit themselves yet, it reflects their willingness and preparedness to take risks.

They.

Are.

Not.

Yet.

Ready.

When they think they aren’t ready yet, when will they be?

“In time,” they may say.

“In time” may take forever.

When you fall, it just happens. You cannot plan nor set a schedule for it.

It is okay to allow yourself to feel vulnerable sometimes. It shows that you can feel something. It shows that you can feel pain, and that you’re human. It is okay to have someone to make you feel that way. You can love, and you shouldn’t stop yourself from feeling it.

And if someone decides to stay away from you, or stops loving you further because of reasons unknown, it isn’t going to be your fault.

Continue being adorable. You are an awesome-azingly beautiful human being. ❤

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Adorable

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“She is adorable,” she hears her whisper to him for the nth time.

He smiles and whispers back.

“I know she is.”

It doesn’t affect her anymore. She knows he still thinks the same way about her. She knows he still sees her as the most adorable little girl he has ever met.

…And she knows that her adorableness is the same exact reason he has decided to stop loving her.

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Shitsubou is a collection of fictional excerpts that prove how painful and beautiful love can be at the same time. (c) Diana | Toast and Tea Together

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