II Senses VI: Cold Sheets

 

An empty bed found under cold sheets

the comfort I feel

does not compare to what you give me

when you lay underneath.

A heart is frozen

within these covers,

and only you can make it warm

with your presence

and the love you shower.

A heart is lonely

inside its parameters,

and only you can heat up

the ice that numbs it

and stops  it from beating.

If these sheets could talk

I would ask them to tell you

how much I long for you

to touch every inch

of me.

If only these sheets could walk,

I want them to go straight

to where you are

so you could feel

me within your arms.

Once again,

my love.

Only for tonight.

 

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Start to End

There is nothing more

I can say to you

than to tell you how much

I am proud of you.

You make me happy

But can’t you see?

We’re not meant to be

Everything is just too much for me.

I’d like to continue

Whatever we have

But I don’t know where to start

nor I know where to end.

If it’s going to end

I better start now

I’m sorry, my love

But I gotta do it somehow.

Petals

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I got rid of all my petals

Only to find out

I just wasted my love.

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Senses XIX: Never Stop

It’s no longer a secret

how much I love you —

I love you so much

I find it hard to breathe;

I love you so much

I long for you

even with the shortest

distance between us;

I love you so much

I can never stop

staring at you —

your beautiful brown eyes,

your face,

your shoulder,

your arms,

your body;

I love you so much

I can never stop secretly

admiring your beauty;

I love you so much

And I will never ever stop

even when the day comes

you want me

to stop breathing for you.

A Little Thought on Commitment

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Sometimes people do not want to commit to you regardless of how much they like you or how good you make them feel.

Sometimes they just suddenly stay away from you or stop loving you further to save themselves from vulnerability. It is simply a selfish and nonsensical reason.

Does the inability to commit yourself to someone you like affect your maturity when it comes to relationships? I am not sure; but I do know that when people cannot commit themselves yet, it reflects their willingness and preparedness to take risks.

They.

Are.

Not.

Yet.

Ready.

When they think they aren’t ready yet, when will they be?

“In time,” they may say.

“In time” may take forever.

When you fall, it just happens. You cannot plan nor set a schedule for it.

It is okay to allow yourself to feel vulnerable sometimes. It shows that you can feel something. It shows that you can feel pain, and that you’re human. It is okay to have someone to make you feel that way. You can love, and you shouldn’t stop yourself from feeling it.

And if someone decides to stay away from you, or stops loving you further because of reasons unknown, it isn’t going to be your fault.

Continue being adorable. You are an awesome-azingly beautiful human being. ❤

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Let Me Love You

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Let me love you
The way you want me to
For in that way I know
You wouldn’t be able to say no.


Let me love you
The way that you wake up in the morning
Slowly but surely
There’s no point of running.


Let me love you
And you don’t have to love me back
For my love for you is enough
To make my heart and soul contract.

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You Used To…

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You used to love the idea of being next to me

Laying in bed with your arms wrapped around me

With your lips on my bare shoulders

tracing every vein constricted within my skin.

You used to love the idea of listening to my voice when I was sleepy

or when I woke up before I took a sip of my morning coffee

while you lay in bed staring at me

trying to memorize every part of my naked body.

You used to love the idea of interlacing your fingers with mine

when the warmth of my palms had always made you feel divine

when calling your name sent shivers down your spine

and you kept wanting more because you knew that by then you would be fine.

You used to love the idea of watching me doze off

into deep slumber until you were sure I could never get away

when you never really had to worry about it even when life gets even tough

because I would always be here waiting coldly under your warm velvet duvet.

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Remember Me

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I am not asking
for us to be together
but remember me
when you feel you are unloved
I am still waiting
for that day you are ready
to say you love me.

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Silence and Heartbeats

 

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There is beauty and pain in silence
that I both hate and love at the same time;
It is beautiful when my eyes meet your gaze
and without saying a word
our heartbeats seem to connect as one;
It is painful when you look the other way
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Positively in Love

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Note: I haven’t written any creative feature posts in a while, and I’ve just thought of writing and sharing this one.

When falling in love, there are two voices in your head. One is positive, and the other one is negative. This is the second part of my two-post series about falling. First comes the negative. Here is the positive. Read it, enjoy it, smile for it.

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I am an optimist when it comes to falling in love. It does not matter how many times I get my heart broken, for as long as my heart feels that spark all over again, it does not stop until it gets reciprocated. And in the event that it doesn’t really get what it wants, it slowly heals itself until the yearning totally vanishes in the air.

Over the New Year, I fell in love in so many ways. I was in a different city with one of the most amazing people I know. Everything was new to me — the place, the experience, the person I was with. I tried my very best to remain emotionally and mentally stable, and so I found myself being silent in most occasions…

…but then, I got out of control.

I lost myself.

I lost myself in a big city.

I lost myself in you.

I didn’t expect everything to turn out so great. It was too good to be true.

You are the most incredible person I have ever seen. You are beautiful inside and out, and I don’t regret having you in my life. Never will I ever feel regretful, not even when things just suddenly fall out of place.

The thing is, I may be feeling something for you now, but I can’t tell you just yet whether or not it’s going to be forever.

I know my worth. I am aware of it, and I am pretty sure you also are. I am worthy of so many things in life and love. Just like you, I am worthy of all the best things the world could offer. I am worthy of happiness, of being loved back, of being pampered and nurtured. I am worthy of being respected as a woman.

This, nonetheless, doesn’t mean I am going to give up on you. You are a part of me now, and I am a part of you. I am just going to take my time learning about you and growing with you. This time, I am not going to rush things, in hopes that taking my time to love and get to know you does not lead to slowly drifting away from you.

No, I am not going to stay away. I will be here even at times you do not want me to…because you, my darling, are also worthy of being loved without you having to give it back. You, my sweetheart, are the absolute best, and you, among anyone, deserve the very best.

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End of the series. Hope you read the first one!

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Negatively in Love

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Note: I haven’t written any creative feature posts in a while, and I’ve just thought of writing and sharing this one.

When falling in love, there are two voices in your head. One is positive, and the other one is negative. This is the first part of my two-post series about falling. First comes the negative. Read it, enjoy it, break for it.

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Negatively in Love… (voice)

We haven’t known each other for a very long time, but it feels like we do. I feel like I know so much about you, and I still want to get to know you better.

I can’t say I love you just yet. I may be falling in love with you, but I don’t want to admit I already love you. It is too soon. But when you find someone who your heart instantly beats for, there is no such thing as “too soon.” I guess I just think it is too good to be true. We don’t have enough memories together to justify how I feel for you.

I choose you…among anyone. I choose you not because you are the only option. You actually are the only exception. They say there are millions of fish in the sea. Yes. That is so true. But I think that people would always want just one specific fish. And I want you. I want you to be the only fish in my sea.

I adore you from head to toe, and I want you so bad. I want you to be mine, and I want you to own me, too. I want to belong to you. I want to be your muse, your queen, your everything. But unfortunately, I can’t be. I can’t be yours. I am not the person you want. You don’t know that yet, but I know I am not.

They say we can’t always get what we want. I am so out of your league. You are an amazing person, and you are achingly the most beautiful human being I have ever seen. You have everything figured out. You have the world in your hands. You know what you want, and you know how to get it. While on the other hand, I am just a twenty-something year old, talkative and annoying woman who is so much into writing stories and poems for you. I feel like I am just an underachiever who is willing to do everything for you.

Cupid may have hit me hard right in the heart and it is starting to ruin me. So I am going to start letting go of these feelings before I hit rock bottom. I am going to try to stop my insanity before I hurt myself even more. I am just a nobody whose heart is slowly beating for a somebody. Somebody who has everything, and I am so scared to lose myself one more time.

But just in case you change your mind, and decide that you want to take the risk of loving a crazy woman like me, I will be here for you. Until then, I am going to stop hurting myself and slowly quit bothering you.

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End of Negatively in Love. Next >> Positively in Love.

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If I Stop Loving You

Note: This post is a creative essay about a specific kind of fear people encounter when falling in love with the distance — giving up. Before we push ourselves right in the battlefield, we think about giving up…and it’s a fear that comes back every now and then. I was feeling anxious more than usual lately, so in behalf of everyone in a relationship, I wanted to write and share this post with you.

HorizontalBar_2Right before I fall for you, I want you to be aware that once I do, I would want you to be the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I would not imagine myself with somebody else. I would never look forward to the day I’d be falling out of love with you because I do not want to think that it would be possible for me to live a life without you.

I would have lots of things to wish for if I ever be with you. I’d wish that we both could live a hundred years together, so we would have more time to be with each other. I’d wish that we were born in the same place at the same time because it is kind of unsettling to think that I had spent twenty-two years of my life not knowing you.

You may think I would be incapable of loving you forever, and I wish to prove you wrong. But just in case I fail, I am writing this beforehand to ask for your forgiveness if I ever do you wrong.

I want you to forgive me if the day comes that I stop loving you. Forgive me if suddenly, I fall out of love and I don’t seem to care anymore. It doesn’t mean that because I am no longer in love with you, my love for you is never real. Forgive me if one day, you realize that I lied to you when I said I would never give up on you. I have always thought I am not capable of giving up most especially when it comes to you.

I want you to forgive me if one day, I stop waiting for you. I promise that you will always be on top of my priorities, but if I fail, please do forgive me. I hope you would realize how hard it is to wait for something, and not be able to know how long it would take. Forgive me if I lose my patience and I am no longer able to give you the attention I used to shower you with.

Forgive me if I stop being the person you supposedly fell for. Forgive me if I cease to be that person who would give you the world and sacrifice everything for you. Forgive me if one day you realize that I am not the most perfect lover. Forgive me if I don’t stick to my words.

If one day, all these things I am telling you happen, I want you to know that it isn’t your fault. It will never be. I want you to remember that I have loved you with all of my heart. I need you to understand that while some things last, there are still some that are bound to end. But despite everything, I want you to know that I do not regret falling in love with you. 

So please forgive me if I stop loving you or if the day comes that my heart stops beating for you.

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Senses XIV: The Sun, the Moon and the Star

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You
don’t deserve
the Sun
if you only
choose
to see it shine
and refuse
to feel the flames
of its desire.
You
don’t deserve
the moon
if you only
wish to see it glow
and never want
to see
how much darkness
it could show.
You
don’t deserve
the star
if you are only
blinded by its light
and never desire
to catch it
when it falls.
You
don’t deserve
a woman
if you only wish
to take away
her shine, her light and glow
and never plan
to feel, to see and to get to know.

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Magic

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Once in your life, you fall in love with someone who isn’t designed to love you back. Maybe, that person will stay for a while, but not to reciprocate how you feel, but to mess up with your life just a little bit, if not, tremendously.

And when that person leaves, everything would feel so unreal. Everything would hurt, and your heart would break every time you find pieces of memories you have had with that person. It would feel like it is the most devastating thing that has ever happen to you. You would never feel more alone than ever until you get tired of feeling anything at all.

And then one day, when you stop seeking love and looking for comfort, someone will come to you like a storm and become your life’s thunder. This person is the one you have never expected to come, yet he will.

Once again, your life would turn upside down and inside out, and even when you tell yourself not to fall that easily for the nth time, you still would because no matter how many times your heart has been broken in the past, when your heart feels loved, it can’t help itself but to love back. No matter how cold it has been when it feels something, all the ice that covers it would slowly melt away.

Because that is what love is when you feel it is real…

…everything becomes magical.

You’d see the magic even without opening your eyes.

You’d feel it without moving your hands.

You’d hear it without actually listening to it.

You’d have a taste of it, and you…

You would love it.

You would love the magic you see when you look in that person’s eyes.

You would love how it feels when either your palms or your bodies collide.

And you wouldn’t trade it for anything. Not even a previous numerous heartbreaks would stop you from chasing the magic.

But don’t you forget that you…

…my love, is also PURE MAGIC and that is why that person would come into your life in the first place. 🙂

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Winter in My Heart

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I create my own problems.

I’ve known this fact about me for a very long time now. When everything goes the way I want it to, I find a way to create a problem and dwell on it until it’s gone.

The weather has been extremely bad during the past few days. Sometimes it is too hot. Sometimes it is too cold. Sometimes it rains so heavily, sometimes it is too sunny. These changes in the weather apparently affects me a lot. I have noticed some drastic changes in the way I think, act and behave.

How many times have I complained about the cold lately? Too many.

It’s too cold. I am freezing.

I have said this too many times to everyone around me. I have even sent it as a message to the people close to me.

You’re freezing? That’s odd. You’ve never felt too cold before.

My best friend replied, reminding me about how I dress. She is right. Usually, I never really feel the cold even in zero-degree places. I am accustomed to dressing light, and even when it is freezing outside, I still wear short dresses, high-waist shorts and sleeveless tops.

Maybe it’s just your heart.

She replied one more time. This line hit me right both in the head and in my heart.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s just my heart and my mind battling with reality. It’s so cold, yes, literally…that is right, but it is not the weather that really makes me feel so cold.

There’s winter in my heart…

And my mind is trying to find a way to battle it. I need fire to counteract it.

I need love…

But I don’t want it.

I don’t want love because when I start wanting it, I keep giving it all without expecting anything in return. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to make memories because I know that these memories will leave me haunted when the love is gone.

And so right at this moment, I may be destroying my chance of being loved.

I don’t want to create memories with anyone. I am scared of vulnerability. I have been in that state too many times before. The more I spend time with someone I really like, the more I fall into the abyss of loving that person, and the more that my desire for his/her love and all of his/her attention grows, and the least thing I want right now is for that person to feel suffocated. And so, I keep trying to push anyone away. Today, I may not want to talk to you or spend time with you, and then tomorrow, I may find myself annoying you with my “heys”, and asking for your love and attention.

It is too cold. Maybe you can give me your love to warm me up.

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All Over The Place

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He said, “Write anything under the sun. Write about your hopes and dreams.” I said, “I do. I always write about you.” 

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I thought about the stubble on your face

And the freckles on your shoulders

I thought about how heavenly it would be to be in your arms

And how achingly beautiful it would be to trace your back with my fingertips

I thought about how one plus one would be equal to you and me;

And how we would always be together unlike A and Z

I thought about what your lips would taste like

And how your hands would fit in mine

I thought about how I would forget what words are when you’d look at me

And how the sound of your voice in the morning would send shiver down my spine

I thought about how algorithm would never seem to work for the both of us

And how forensic science could never solve the downfall of our chemistry

I thought about how you would own me the very first time you would lay your eyes on me

And how my body would no longer be mine but yours to keep

I thought about how it would not always rainbows and butterflies with you

But also daggers and poison killing us bit by bit

I thought about how much pain you would cause me

And how I would still love every inch of you

I thought about how my thoughts would slowly swallow my entire soul because

My thoughts would be all about you

They have always been all about you

and right now

They are all over the place.

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Senses X: Lost Feelings

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I want to write you a poem
that would make you feel loved
but neither could I fathom
nor express the feelings I have
for you right at this moment
I could love you today
and hate you tomorrow
I could get drunk and kiss you
and then push you away
I could say all the things
you want me to say
and leave you expecting,
parching, starving
looking for love that got lost
before it even began
right under these sheets.

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Won’t Be Coming Back

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I love you, but I won’t be coming back.

Not today. Not tomorrow. Not anymore.

We no longer share each other’s values.

We don’t inspire each other to be the better version of ourselves.

Making each other smile is not our priority anymore.

We now doubt the possibility of us being together in the future.

We no longer love each other as much as we did before.

We don’t want each other anymore.

You love me, but I know you won’t be coming back.

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This piece is written especially for someone close to me. Darling, if you’re reading this, I know you’re as much stronger as you were before. You’ve been through a lot, and that means you’ll get through anything. 🙂 I’m not asking you to do what I do, or to be like me. I am asking you to stand your ground, and let go of what’s been constraining you. After all, we’re just humans and we live differently. ❤

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Senses VI: Memory

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I’ve already forgotten how your voice sounds

when you say my name

but how your lips feel on my skin

and how your fingers perfectly interlace with mine

has never left my memory

It still lingers

Like the smell of carnations on a full moon.

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Senses V: My Heart

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You touched the parts of my body

That I wanted him to touch

You kissed me the way

I wanted him to

You held me in your arms

And squeezed my body tightly

You made my knees tremble

And made the hair on my skin stand tall for a while

Being proud

You dug deep into me

And tried your best to reach for my heart

You could always have my body

But he has always had my heart.HorizontalBar_2

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