I Love You, Goodbye

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A post about one of the struggles of being in an LDR, written by Kat Fabronero for Toast&Tea

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They say that when you love someone you have to set them free. Today—or rather, in a few days time—I shall set him free.

I had always wondered what happened months ago when he had changed — what made him change. He was no longer the person I knew during those first few months into the relationship. It was a sign, perhaps, that this LDR journey would not last but I refused to acknowledge it.

I said yes when he proposed albeit informally; I wanted him in my life. I continued to persevere and placed my all into making it work even if time and again, he casually shrugged off all of my efforts. He was crass, insensitive, regardless of my feelings for him. What should’ve been the wake-up call for me months ago should’ve been the end of everything.

But I loved him and I was willing to tolerate that slight.

Heart still in tatters, I moved on, telling myself that I should be understanding, more forgiving, more thankful that he and I still communicate despite the red lights flashing. He was no longer interested in me as person…just my looks, it seems.

I still held on.

It was a decision that was influenced by his surprise video calls and unexpected serenades. I would instantly melt, for crying out loud! However, our texts and communication grew more and more scarce, with me always initiating a “conversation” inquiring how his side of the world was doing.

I never got a response right away even every time I saw that he was online. Mostly, he would reply the day after but with only a few words. I tried to give him a day or two for him to try initiate a talk with me but it didn’t work. It broke my heart to see this relationship crumbling into bits. But like a person in love, I still held on despite signs telling me the opposite.

I should’ve let him go when we had turned one, and he mocked my efforts to greet him. Prior to that, I sent him pictures of me making a countdown to our special day. On the day of our first anniversary, I had sacrificed sleep to buy mini cupcakes that spelled the words “I love you”. I was hoping for a Skype call—even if it would just be for 5 minutes. Yet, the celebration I was hoping for did not happen. To top it off, he just laughed at the photo of the mini cupcakes. It was like being slapped in the face.

I realized that I was not a priority. I was never a priority. I was not in his priority list.

He made that clear when I asked him what he envisions himself 5 years from now. In that vision, I wasn’t in it despite what we had discussed in those early days. In his life, I did not exist. No one knew of my existence.

Here I was, shouting to the world that he’s my man, but I…I was but a shadow in his.

I’ve had enough.

I’m tired of all the chasing. My heart is exhausted from breaking apart time and again. My heart could only tolerate so much.

Even if it pains me to do so, even if it hurts I have to let this go.

Let him go. For his sake.

For my sake.

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Kat Fabronero is a registered nurse, frustrated creative writer, food addict, bookworm, and the author of The Fat Kat. She is  passionate about British history, and she loves to play video games.

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Got any comments or advice? Just comment below. Thank you! 🙂

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When I Asked You If You Loved Me

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by Diana Marcos

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When I asked you if you loved me,
you turned your back and refused to face me
“Of course, I do,” that was what you said
But I never knew what was going on in your head.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I was hoping you would say the words immediately
But you just smiled at me with your captivating caramel eyes
And I could not decipher whether or not they were just expressing lies.

When I asked you if you loved me,
you walked a few steps away from me,
You looked at me with disappointment
When all I wanted was acknowledgement.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I was confused with the response you gave me
You planted a kiss on top of my head
You squeezed my body under the sheets in your bed.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I asked not because I believed you didn’t
I knew you did, but I wanted to be reminded
But all you believed in was that you weren’t trusted.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I didn’t foresee that you would leave me,
With all the happy memories you had shared with me
I never knew you had the capacity to forget me that quickly.

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Thank You and Goodbye

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A poem written by Kristine Pineda for Toast&Tea

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I’d be lying if I told you, I didn’t love you
I’d be lying if I told you, I hated you
You were my one great love
that I asked from above.

I’d be lying if I told you, I stopped thinking of you
And I’d be lying if I told you, I don’t miss you
You still cross my mind
Our memories — good and bad, combined.

I thought I would be okay
Until I caught myself staring at the bay
I am getting weak and this is wrong
Wish I could be strong.

I wish I could erase all the memories
That turned instantly into tears
You’re one of the best
But you turned out to be just a guest.

In a heart I own
In these lips that is always on frown
You made these little mouth smile
From the love we had from a thousand mile.

Now I’m saying goodbye
And I wish I could fake the smile in my eye
But one has to walk away
And go on every single day.

I thank you for the smiles
We have shared even from the miles
Hoping this will be the last
And for us to heal fast.

As I write this, I wish you nothing but the best
And just let our hearts take a rest
As I say goodbye to someone
that I don’t want to be addressed.

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Kristine Pineda is a twenty-five year-old Filipina living in New Jersey. She is the author of The Blank PolaroidsShe loves photography, writing short poems and short notes about love and life. 

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My Everything

She could give you everything

you want and surely,

she would still have something

left for herself;

I don’t have everything

you want,

but I would give you my everything

even if that means

nothing would be left

for myself.

 

II Senses VI: Cold Sheets

 

An empty bed found under cold sheets

the comfort I feel

does not compare to what you give me

when you lay underneath.

A heart is frozen

within these covers,

and only you can make it warm

with your presence

and the love you shower.

A heart is lonely

inside its parameters,

and only you can heat up

the ice that numbs it

and stops  it from beating.

If these sheets could talk

I would ask them to tell you

how much I long for you

to touch every inch

of me.

If only these sheets could walk,

I want them to go straight

to where you are

so you could feel

me within your arms.

Once again,

my love.

Only for tonight.

 

Open Letter: To You Who Love Me When I Couldn’t Love Myself

“To become whole is to love all of our parts.”

— Mark Groves

For the longest time, I have been wondering why I seem to have constantly been asking for reciprocated love and attention from those who are close to my heart. 

I have never fully understood until I’ve realized that I actually lack love for myself. I have always been that person who would tell other people to always be strong and to always choose theirselves first, but in reality, I unconsciously disobey my own words. 

To other people, I am just that brave and bubbly little girl who doesn’t care about the world, but to those I allow to see the real me, I am that woman who has been struggling to love herself for a long, long time but is willing to change her view of herself for her own good. I know my worth and I am aware that myself is my own enemy. I’m not going to stop seeking for love and attention from the people I love but I am going to start loving myself more. 

And all of these, I have realized because of you.

I can never measure how grateful I am for having you in my life. You have always been good for my soul since the very start, and that’s something I am really thankful for. You have never really left me, and although you are not physically here right now, it still feels like you are around, and that you have always been here all along.

You make me the happiest person in the world every time you give me your attention. I have never had anyone who actually paid enough attention on me before, and all of these emotions I am feeling now are still unfamilar to me.

I never knew how happy I could be to have someone like you in my life. I have never felt so much love and care before. No one has ever expressed any concern for me besides my family, and I am afraid that all of these good and positive emotions I have overwhelm me.

I am overwhelmed because I have never truly experienced these in the past. You are the first person who has actually accepted me for who I am. And now that you have seen even the darkest side of me, I am hoping that you will still love every part of me, and that no matter what happens, you will still be patient enough to put up with me.

I never want to doubt your intention. I want to trust you, and I am slowly  learning to. Many people have ruined my trust before, and even though I try to think positively about you all the time, I still have those moments when I think about just leaving you. I could never imagine leaving you, but I am also scared of being left behind.

I hope that you will never get tired of me, even at times when I annoy you so much. It is true when people say that the only enemy you have is yourself. I have been constantly battling with myself and I am doing my best to fight for you. My mind always tells me to just give up on myself, but my heart would always contradict and convince me to still go on, and that is also because of you.

You keep me holding on. You inspire me to be a better person. You bring light into my soul, and for that, I am massively thankful.

I am now able to appreciate myself the same way I appreciate you. I have to admit I still fail to see the good side of me at times, but I strive to always keep a positive mind. Thank you for being with me. I will never stop reminding you how much I appreciate everything you do, and I just hope you will never get tired hearing me say it.

Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself, and I will do my best to learn until I love myself as much as I love you.

Start to End

There is nothing more

I can say to you

than to tell you how much

I am proud of you.

You make me happy

But can’t you see?

We’re not meant to be

Everything is just too much for me.

I’d like to continue

Whatever we have

But I don’t know where to start

nor I know where to end.

If it’s going to end

I better start now

I’m sorry, my love

But I gotta do it somehow.

Open Letter: To Anyone Battling Anxiety Alone

I thought that if you just try to ignore everything that makes you feel anxious, worried and nostalgic…if you just keep thinking that everything is going to be fine…if you just keep reminding yourself how strong and brave you are, and that you can get through any hardships alone, your life will eventually be easier and better…but damn it, it doesn’t always get better when you force yourself to not feel something. The more you ignore a feeling that always comes back, the more you think about it and you will forever live with it like a troubled ghost that will never stay away.

You may have been having countless sleepless nights trying to think of a better way to let go of things, to let go of your anxieties and all the things that trigger them. It may be rather insensitive to plan out how you could forget the people you love or used to love and care about, but I know you feel as though it is the best solution especially when they are the reasons you feel stuck and not progressing.

When something doesn’t make you feel happy anymore, it’s just normal to seek for another thing that would make you feel happier or something that would bring back the happiness in your daily life. However, it is never a good thing to force yourself in a situation that constantly brings you down.

Battling your anxieties alone is the most difficult thing to do. You feel like no one understands you and that no one will ever actually listen to you when you share everything that troubles you. It is scary to trust people with your thoughts and what is even more scary is the thought that the people you trust and the people you expect to love you are the ones who are not scared to hurt and disappoint you.

So if you have to let go, let go, but you have to make sure it will make you happy in the end. Don’t ever force yourself to feel something you don’t actually feel. Don’t pretend you are not sad or lonely. Don’t hide your anger and disappointment. Don’t fake your happiness.

You deserve an eternal happiness. You deserve psychological stability. You deserve to have peace of mind.

Speak up. Express your thoughts. Express your feelings. But don’t force yourself to open up to just anyone who tells you you can trust them. Trust is being earned, and not presumed.

Open Letter: Just Let Them Go

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How many times have you blamed yourself for whatever happened to people you used to care about? Has this helped you feel better in any way? I sure am not. Hence, instead of constantly blaming yourself for a failed relationship or friendship, it would be better for you to just let go. Let go of people. Let go of yourself. Let go of your feelings. But when do you know it is time to let go and which people do you need to disassociate yourself with?

WHO TO LET GO

01 That person who ONLY talks to you when s/he needs something from you.

Sometimes you meet someone and at first, things go really well between the two of you…until you notice that you have started talking to each other less and less. And one day, this person comes to you and asks you for help. Of course, being the good person that you are, you will help him/her, and s/he goes on with his/her life once again.

02 That person who only talks about himself/herself.

This person does not ask about you after you ask her how his/her day has been. This is the person who does not ask for your opinion or reaction right after s/he shares his/hers and would go on talking until s/he can’t say anything anymore.

03 That person who only listens so s/he could talk, or that friend who doesn’t listen at all.

Yes, s/he listens to you, but only because s/he wants to say something about it. Sometimes, s/he even pretends to listen and becomes impatient and hurry you up, so s/he could finally share his/her thoughts.

04 That person who only sees you as a rebound friend, manipulates you and guilt-trips you.

S/he only knows you when his/her other friends are not around,and s/he tries to manipulate you to get what s/he wants. S/he constantly asks for your attention when  no one is giving it to him/her, and would guilt-trip you when s/he is not getting anything from you.

05 That person who only remembers you during the bad times.

I mean…it is very nice to think that someone remembers you during their bad days, but if they are only there with you because they know you would help them feel better, is that still a good thing? Definitely not. This person would surely forget you exist once their bad days are over.

06 That person who only sees your bad qualities and does not recognize the good things you have done.

There are people who always see the best in you, while there are also some who only remember you for your bad qualities. Everyone has their own dark side, but if a person only sees the bad in you, and does not recognize that you also have good qualities, then you will just spend your life trying to figure out why this person does not see you the way others do.

07 That person whose behavior changes according to people s/he is with.

We cannot avoid meeting and interacting with someone whose behavioral acts differ according to the people they are with. One time, they are so good around you, and the next time they are with another group of people, they change, and they treat you a bit differently.

08 That person who forgets to invite you.

There is nothing more painful than not being invited to a party, an outing, an event or even to dinner by someone you expect to be your friend. It makes you feel like you are just an option and your presence does notreally matter that much.

09 That person who doesn’t bother to call when you are sick or when you are in a terrible situation.

This person wouldn’t dare to call because s/he doesn’t care whether or not you are coping up well or not.

10 That person who does not care whether or not you let go of him/her.

It is hard to accept, but there are people who do not see our importance in their lives. If you do not matter to someone, then s/he wouldn’t care whether or not you stay or leave.

At first, you will of course try your best to work things out, but if it doesn’t work out and you’re the only one trying to make an effort, then have a little respect for yourself and open your eyes to the fact that it is not going to work out anymore.

Letting go of these kinds of people are sometimes the best thing one can do. It may make you look selfish and insensitive, but you have to remember that before you have to offer your love and trust to people, you have to trust and love youself first. You have to focus on what makes you happy, and remember not to give everything, as it may just cause you pain in the long run.

Don’t ever blame yourself for a failed relationship. Don’t be so hard on yourself. People come and go, and it isn’t your fault. Sometimes people have to leave because it is for the best.

When your relationship or your friendship is no longer growing, but is slowly going down the drain instead, and you can no longer do anything to work it out, letting go is sometimes the better option than staying and letting the relationship ruin each of you.

When you decide to let go of the people that once meant so much to you, sometimes you won’t help but feel guilty. You feel guilty for letting things get in the way. You’d also probably feel like a loser because you are choosing to give up.

But no…giving up doesn’t always make you a loser. It makes you a winner because you have the courage and strength to let go of something that was very important to you, but doesn’t see your importance.

You have to remember that you are one special piece of snowflake, and you, just like everyone else, deserve better.

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You Can Do Better

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She has yet to learn
the things you already knew
She knows she is young --


Mind your own business
No one is doing you harm
You don't have to hate


You think you know her
But you overanalyze 
Like a psycho bitch


You are beautiful
Though only in the surface
You can do better.

 

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Note: This is probably the most shallow haiku series I have ever done, but I need to express myself in written words to make myself and everyone out there who are often misjudged feel better. Sometimes people are really so judgmental and insensitive, and you just gotta learn how to be strong on your own and not care much about them. Just because they know a bit of your life, they assume that they already know everything that’s in your heart, mind, and soul. I know that these people are hard to avoid, and things like this happen…but how I wish people stop analyzing other people’s way of living and just mind their own selves.

All That I’ve Got

I need something else

Would someone please just give me

Hit me, knock me out

And let me go back to sleep

— All That I’ve Got – The Used
My mornings usually start with looking at my phone and finding a message from my sister, and my nights usually end with another message from her reminding me how much she loves and misses me. She does this even at times I don’t get a chance to respond to her.

I have always thought that my sister is the most misunderstood member in our family. Our dad’s family has always seen her as the black sheep, psycho granddaughter, niece, daughter, cousin and sister. They think of her as someone who shouldn’t be imitated, despite the praises they give her for being so smart in school.

I remember them reminding me not to be like her. I remember myself reassuring them I won’t, although in my mind, I know that my sister is the best and I am very proud of her.

I could not blame our relatives for calling her a black sheep and for seeing her that way. She has always been the one who goes against rules when she knows that these rules violate her right as a person. I think I may have gotten that attitude from her.

My sister has a personality disorder, and she has been through a lot of traumatic events in her life. She has suffered more than I have, yet she remains to be my strength. I couldn’t be any more proud of having her as my sister. I get anxious and really depressed every single second but every time she tells me she loves me, I feel a whole lot better.

It’s a little bit funny because I know how often she gets depressed, yet she always seems so happy every time she texts me or calls me on the phone. In fact, she always sounds so cheerful and enthusiastic. I admire her ability to cover what she really feels deep inside her. I know her too well. I know she has negative thoughts and that she has still been fighting off her demons. She is doing a really good job in hiding it.

I have to admit that behind these self-strength posts I always write is an anxious and depressive woman who continuously tries to battle all the things that makes her feel bad about herself.

Every day, just like what my sister does, I do my best to be the better version of myself. I try to smile, to laugh, and to think of myself as a strong person. Sometimes I fail, but every time I do, I think of my sister and remember how she, herself, has done her best to be better, to think positively and to be happy despite every thing.

I know that we’re not perfect. We make stupid mistakes, but these mistakes help us learn and grow day by day. My sister doesn’t have to remind me to learn from her, but I do remember how she never lets her past hinder her from being the amazing person that she is.

Sometimes, we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes, we learn from others. Sometimes, we grow on our own. Sometimes, we grow with others. ❤️

I’ll be just fine

Pretending I’m not

I’m far from lonely

And it’s all that I’ve got.

II Senses I: Landmark

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the city I want to
build my empire in,
I want to own you;
to possess you;
to dig my nails in you,
I want to learn
every bits and pieces
that make up
your entire existence,
I want to plant
my future in you
In your soiled body
In your concrete heart
I would lay my hands
in every part of you
You who make my soul rejoice
You who make my body convulse
with the fact that you —
You are my favorite landmark —
a landmark I yearn for
every single split second;
A place I will always
go back to.

Note: This is Chapter II of my Senses poetry series. I hope you enjoyed it! ❤🌻

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Adorable

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“She is adorable,” she hears her whisper to him for the nth time.

He smiles and whispers back.

“I know she is.”

It doesn’t affect her anymore. She knows he still thinks the same way about her. She knows he still sees her as the most adorable little girl he has ever met.

…And she knows that her adorableness is the same exact reason he has decided to stop loving her.

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Shitsubou is a collection of fictional excerpts that prove how painful and beautiful love can be at the same time. (c) Diana | Toast and Tea Together

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Won’t Be Coming Back

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I love you, but I won’t be coming back.

Not today. Not tomorrow. Not anymore.

We no longer share each other’s values.

We don’t inspire each other to be the better version of ourselves.

Making each other smile is not our priority anymore.

We now doubt the possibility of us being together in the future.

We no longer love each other as much as we did before.

We don’t want each other anymore.

You love me, but I know you won’t be coming back.

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This piece is written especially for someone close to me. Darling, if you’re reading this, I know you’re as much stronger as you were before. You’ve been through a lot, and that means you’ll get through anything. 🙂 I’m not asking you to do what I do, or to be like me. I am asking you to stand your ground, and let go of what’s been constraining you. After all, we’re just humans and we live differently. ❤

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Don’t Worry.

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Right after I published my latest post about power clinging last night, I felt the sudden urge of loneliness and hatred rushing through my veins. I remained static in my seat as I felt my heart suddenly break into pieces. I was okay. I was happy and content while writing.

But I’ve always had problems keeping my emotions and thoughts in check.

I am not emotionally healthy.

I am not mentally fit.

“You are smart, and you are strong.”

I told myself many times as I tried to calm myself down.

“You are not okay. You have to let it all out.”

My mind told me so. And so I clenched my fists until my fingernails brought a searing but satisfying pain into my palms. I knocked the wall next to me three times. I stood up and walked out. I went to see my friends who were practicing their dance at that time — a dance that I taught them. I was supposed to guide them and dance with them.

But everything seemed so wrong.

Something was wrong, and it was making me feel uneasy.

I sat down watching them. They all looked so happy. I felt my heart harden, refusing to feel anything at all.

I decided to walk out again.

What was wrong with me, you might ask.

Nothing.

Nothing was wrong.

Everything was okay.

Everything is okay.

This has been my problem ever since I was young.

I am not emotionally healthy.

I am not mentally fit.

But you know what? I try. I try to be better. And honestly? I am becoming better at dealing with my fleeting emotions and racing thoughts now more than I ever did before.

Right now, I still don’t feel okay.

But I will be. Don’t worry. And don’t say anything stupid to me. 🙂

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I Am a Strong WOman

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I am a strong WOman and I am brave. I am focused on myself and not on everyone else. While I may lack some of the great qualities one wants to see in me, I still possess other great things, and I will never bend my knees for anyone who is undeserving of my love and trust.

I am a strong WOman and I have utmost respect towards myself. I may have low tolerance for things I do not like, but I also have a very high level of persistence for things I really like. If I don’t like you, I don’t like you. Period. If I like you…I really do and you can do nothing about it.

I am a strong WOman and I can get through anything. The more pain you inflict on me, the more I get stronger. The more scars I get, the more I become braver.

I am a strong WOman and I am not the only one.

Because behind a strong WOman is a group of an even stronger WOmen.

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Season of Despair

I still think of you and long for you every now and then…so much so that it makes me feel like four seasons have already passed without me realizing. I have never noticed the first drop of snowflakes in the winter, and the first bloom of flowers in the spring. I have never had a chance to feel the warmth of the Indian summer light cascading through the pavement, and to witness the falling of the first autumn leaves. How could I let this pass and focus on something that has never done me any good? I have been so engrossed on the idea of loving you and being loved by you that I forgot to appreciate the passing of the four seasons. This season of despair I am currently in has to end soon. You’re not worth it. No, you’re not worth it all.

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Voice

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Your voice was music
that got stuck in my head
I fucking hate it.

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SPACE

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I dreaded the          space

between us

for I know it will take you

farther away from

me

And now you are

g_ne.

Why are you

gone?

You could have been my

SUN

The center of my

UNIVERSE

When you turned you kcab

and

                                             D

                                      R

                                 I

                          F

                   T

              E

         D

away,

my

B

      R

            O

K

E

and

e              x                   p              l                 o             d              e          d

into million pieces

like a

S U P E R N O V A

b     u        r s                  t     i n          g 

into space,

an

empty


.

.

.

.

space.

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