When I Asked You If You Loved Me

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by Diana Marcos

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When I asked you if you loved me,
you turned your back and refused to face me
“Of course, I do,” that was what you said
But I never knew what was going on in your head.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I was hoping you would say the words immediately
But you just smiled at me with your captivating caramel eyes
And I could not decipher whether or not they were just expressing lies.

When I asked you if you loved me,
you walked a few steps away from me,
You looked at me with disappointment
When all I wanted was acknowledgement.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I was confused with the response you gave me
You planted a kiss on top of my head
You squeezed my body under the sheets in your bed.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I asked not because I believed you didn’t
I knew you did, but I wanted to be reminded
But all you believed in was that you weren’t trusted.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I didn’t foresee that you would leave me,
With all the happy memories you had shared with me
I never knew you had the capacity to forget me that quickly.

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My Everything

She could give you everything

you want and surely,

she would still have something

left for herself;

I don’t have everything

you want,

but I would give you my everything

even if that means

nothing would be left

for myself.

 

Game of Thorns

Thorns never meant to harm;

but they could dig

through your skin and slowly

eat your soul

like the words 

I would say to you

the moment you make me

realize I have had enough

of your games.

What I Learned From Five Years of Trial and Error

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Note: This is a revised edition of an older post. Please do not read if you hate labeling/naming people. Also, I am not a dating expert nor am I well-experienced, so just enjoy this post.

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The way I see it, life gets too complicated sometimes because we undergo so many stages and changes while growing up. And in each stage we go through, we experience trial and error in so many ways, especially in terms of our relationships with our family, friends and special loved ones.

I had been single for five years before I got in my previous relationship, but I did go out with some people within those years. It was more of a choice. I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship yet. Despite that, I spent some of my time trying to get to know people. While meeting and getting to know those people, I have realized how different they all were, yet they all had one thing in common. They were all nice, but they weren’t the one I imagined to share portions (if not the rest) of my life with. 

Within years of dating, I have learned a lot of things and it changed my perspective in life a bit. They say we spend most of our life doing important things like studying, working, taking care of our family and friends, and making our life better in general, while some of it is spent finding the right person we want to share the rest of our life with.

Here are some of the people I got to know (note: I don’t really like labeling people but I’d like to be specific with their description) and learned a lot from…

The Stalker

I met this guy in high school and we were actually recognized by people as a ‘couple.’ Well, unfortunately, we actually weren’t…at least that was what I thought. He thought, on the other hand, that the moment I said “yes, we can have coffee together,” it already meant “yes, I would love to be your girlfriend.” This is the person I kind of felt bad for because he actually introduced me to his parents and his parents thought we were serious. Well, he was serious to the point of stalking me not only physically, but also virtually. He knew everything about me. What I did, who I talked to or where I went. He still follows me until now even when he himself is already in a committed relationship with a great and beautiful woman, who I happened to know.

The Wo-Man

I went out with this guy next, and he was a really good person. He was very nice but everyone thought he was gay. He was more feminine than I was at that time. He would always carry a bottle of loose face powder and he would always smell like a baby, which I found really amusing. His voice was also too soft. He was a real GENTLEman, and I really liked him. I was, however, worried he would ask for my makeup in the future, and although that sounds fun, I would still prefer someone who wouldn’t use up all of my beauty products. Haha!

The Narcissistic

Honestly, I am not good at receiving compliments. I also suck at giving the people I like good compliments. I always end up screwing things. But then I met this guy who was also very nice, yet asked for my compliments all the time. He would always throw beautiful words at me just so I could tell him how good looking he was. He wanted me to do that almost all the time. He would send me photos every time, and he would wait for me to give him compliments. When I didn’t, he wouldn’t talk to me for days. How great was that?

The Patriarch

This guy had the same qualities as The Narcissistic. He also liked being complimented although I could feel a bit of insecurity in him. Wait. Scratch that. He was actually very insecure that was why he liked it when I gave him compliments. He had always felt so threatened by my personality, and he would call me out when he thought I was trying to intimidate him. He wanted to be the one who would always be pleased, and not the one who would always please. He hated doing things for me because he thought that I should be the one doing things for him.

The Ghost

I don’t think I still need to explain this one, but yes. This guy liked to appear and then disappear all of a sudden. One day, he would show up and ask me to have dinner with him. The next day, he would be gone. Months after, he would show up again and then gone again…for good.

The Baby

This guy just wanted to find out if I was physically blessed enough or not. Apparently, he thought he was still a baby who needed to be breast fed.

The Manipulative

This was the guy who would always call me manipulative when we fought, so he could gaslight and guilt trip me. He would tell me I did things when in fact, I barely did anything. He liked to manipulate. He made me upset about things I didn’t do, so I could do other things for him.

The PSYCHOlogist

This guy actually studied Psychology, but man was he a psycho, too. He would always try to analyze both of my verbal and non-verbal action, and he would always give me advice. His advice was actually a bit helpful, especially when I was at my lowest and I didn’t know what to do. I said he was a psycho because when things didn’t work out for the both of us, he threatened me he would post pictures of me on the Internet. So until now, I have been waiting for my nudes to leak online. I wonder when I’d be famous for it. He’s taking such a long timeeeeeee.

(Of course I am kidding. I never sent nudes. I’ve only sent him selfies. Haha)

The Depressed

I really liked this guy. He was very compassionate. Yet, he was depressed all the time. He would easily get upset about random things and when he did, he would not talk to me for days. He would tell me about it though, unlike the guy who just appeared and disappeared for months.

If you have noticed, I focused on their specific weak/negative points more than their good ones. Apparently, things didn’t work out for me and each of these guys. Although I had also seen good qualities in them, they were just not the right ones for me. They all possessed qualities I didn’t like more than the things I liked. 

After seeing these guys, I have formed an image of my ideal person in my mind. I wanted someone who was like this or someone who was like that and so many other things. I said I wanted someone who doesn’t possess all of those qualities I just enumerated above.

But do you know what I realized? I learned that when you actually fall for someone, you wouldn’t know it immediately. You wouldn’t know that you are subconsciously liking him/her already and you would suddenly forget about all the standards you have set. What you look for an ideal partner wouldn’t matter anymore because the person you fall in love with will suddenly be your ideal person by default.

Slowly and surely, all the characteristics the person you love has will be the ideal characteristics you want to see in your ideal partner. You learn to accept who this person is and love him/her without judgment.

I never liked brown eyes before. I never liked men older than I am. I never liked guys who make me feel uncomfortable and make me go out of my comfort zone. I never liked a partner with a very strong personality. I never liked men who talk about finance, material and monetary value and popularity before.

But now, I do. I have started learning to like the things I never liked before.

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A Little Thought on Commitment

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Sometimes people do not want to commit to you regardless of how much they like you or how good you make them feel.

Sometimes they just suddenly stay away from you or stop loving you further to save themselves from vulnerability. It is simply a selfish and nonsensical reason.

Does the inability to commit yourself to someone you like affect your maturity when it comes to relationships? I am not sure; but I do know that when people cannot commit themselves yet, it reflects their willingness and preparedness to take risks.

They.

Are.

Not.

Yet.

Ready.

When they think they aren’t ready yet, when will they be?

“In time,” they may say.

“In time” may take forever.

When you fall, it just happens. You cannot plan nor set a schedule for it.

It is okay to allow yourself to feel vulnerable sometimes. It shows that you can feel something. It shows that you can feel pain, and that you’re human. It is okay to have someone to make you feel that way. You can love, and you shouldn’t stop yourself from feeling it.

And if someone decides to stay away from you, or stops loving you further because of reasons unknown, it isn’t going to be your fault.

Continue being adorable. You are an awesome-azingly beautiful human being. ❤

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Senses XVIII: Delightfully Heart Sore

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My heart is sore and my eyes are tired,
My blood is boiling at 212 Fahrenheit,
My veins are branching out with all its might,
while my body is convulsing with so much fright
As your hands land on my skin again tonight,
I’d dream of the very first time I have seen you psyched
At the way I have desired you to conquer my light
while the moon mocks me with so much delight.

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Sometimes Always

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Sometimes I get you
Sometimes I don’t
So many times we’ve been in this cycle
and this cycle goes on forever

Sometimes you want me
Sometimes you don’t
Quite a lot of times you call me in the middle of the night
and ask me if I’m alright

Sometimes I hate you
Sometimes I don’t
But most of the time I long for your touch
and everything that you deprive me of

Sometimes you need me
Sometimes you don’t
So many times I like to go back
to when you crave for me the most

Sometimes I love you
Who am I kidding?
Darling, despite everything you put me through
You know I do, I always do.

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Senses XV: Good Night

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Getting love drunk in a dark room
The only source of light —
the one that came from the moon
A cup of bliss in my trembling hand
My legs still sore and burning
Aching for the love that only the Sun could offer
You stared at me, your light brown orbs melting my soul
Forcing my body into deep slumber
My heart thumping like it never did before
You mumbled and called my name
like it was the very first time you said it
making sure you would still be lying here with me in the morning
You said it like you loved me more than anything
Like you have said it so many times before

And it was a feeling like no other.

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Right Person, Right Time

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There’s no such thing as loving the right person at the wrong time. If you love the right person, there’s never a wrong time.

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If I Stop Loving You

Note: This post is a creative essay about a specific kind of fear people encounter when falling in love with the distance — giving up. Before we push ourselves right in the battlefield, we think about giving up…and it’s a fear that comes back every now and then. I was feeling anxious more than usual lately, so in behalf of everyone in a relationship, I wanted to write and share this post with you.

HorizontalBar_2Right before I fall for you, I want you to be aware that once I do, I would want you to be the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I would not imagine myself with somebody else. I would never look forward to the day I’d be falling out of love with you because I do not want to think that it would be possible for me to live a life without you.

I would have lots of things to wish for if I ever be with you. I’d wish that we both could live a hundred years together, so we would have more time to be with each other. I’d wish that we were born in the same place at the same time because it is kind of unsettling to think that I had spent twenty-two years of my life not knowing you.

You may think I would be incapable of loving you forever, and I wish to prove you wrong. But just in case I fail, I am writing this beforehand to ask for your forgiveness if I ever do you wrong.

I want you to forgive me if the day comes that I stop loving you. Forgive me if suddenly, I fall out of love and I don’t seem to care anymore. It doesn’t mean that because I am no longer in love with you, my love for you is never real. Forgive me if one day, you realize that I lied to you when I said I would never give up on you. I have always thought I am not capable of giving up most especially when it comes to you.

I want you to forgive me if one day, I stop waiting for you. I promise that you will always be on top of my priorities, but if I fail, please do forgive me. I hope you would realize how hard it is to wait for something, and not be able to know how long it would take. Forgive me if I lose my patience and I am no longer able to give you the attention I used to shower you with.

Forgive me if I stop being the person you supposedly fell for. Forgive me if I cease to be that person who would give you the world and sacrifice everything for you. Forgive me if one day you realize that I am not the most perfect lover. Forgive me if I don’t stick to my words.

If one day, all these things I am telling you happen, I want you to know that it isn’t your fault. It will never be. I want you to remember that I have loved you with all of my heart. I need you to understand that while some things last, there are still some that are bound to end. But despite everything, I want you to know that I do not regret falling in love with you. 

So please forgive me if I stop loving you or if the day comes that my heart stops beating for you.

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Magic

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Once in your life, you fall in love with someone who isn’t designed to love you back. Maybe, that person will stay for a while, but not to reciprocate how you feel, but to mess up with your life just a little bit, if not, tremendously.

And when that person leaves, everything would feel so unreal. Everything would hurt, and your heart would break every time you find pieces of memories you have had with that person. It would feel like it is the most devastating thing that has ever happen to you. You would never feel more alone than ever until you get tired of feeling anything at all.

And then one day, when you stop seeking love and looking for comfort, someone will come to you like a storm and become your life’s thunder. This person is the one you have never expected to come, yet he will.

Once again, your life would turn upside down and inside out, and even when you tell yourself not to fall that easily for the nth time, you still would because no matter how many times your heart has been broken in the past, when your heart feels loved, it can’t help itself but to love back. No matter how cold it has been when it feels something, all the ice that covers it would slowly melt away.

Because that is what love is when you feel it is real…

…everything becomes magical.

You’d see the magic even without opening your eyes.

You’d feel it without moving your hands.

You’d hear it without actually listening to it.

You’d have a taste of it, and you…

You would love it.

You would love the magic you see when you look in that person’s eyes.

You would love how it feels when either your palms or your bodies collide.

And you wouldn’t trade it for anything. Not even a previous numerous heartbreaks would stop you from chasing the magic.

But don’t you forget that you…

…my love, is also PURE MAGIC and that is why that person would come into your life in the first place. 🙂

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Winter in My Heart

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I create my own problems.

I’ve known this fact about me for a very long time now. When everything goes the way I want it to, I find a way to create a problem and dwell on it until it’s gone.

The weather has been extremely bad during the past few days. Sometimes it is too hot. Sometimes it is too cold. Sometimes it rains so heavily, sometimes it is too sunny. These changes in the weather apparently affects me a lot. I have noticed some drastic changes in the way I think, act and behave.

How many times have I complained about the cold lately? Too many.

It’s too cold. I am freezing.

I have said this too many times to everyone around me. I have even sent it as a message to the people close to me.

You’re freezing? That’s odd. You’ve never felt too cold before.

My best friend replied, reminding me about how I dress. She is right. Usually, I never really feel the cold even in zero-degree places. I am accustomed to dressing light, and even when it is freezing outside, I still wear short dresses, high-waist shorts and sleeveless tops.

Maybe it’s just your heart.

She replied one more time. This line hit me right both in the head and in my heart.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s just my heart and my mind battling with reality. It’s so cold, yes, literally…that is right, but it is not the weather that really makes me feel so cold.

There’s winter in my heart…

And my mind is trying to find a way to battle it. I need fire to counteract it.

I need love…

But I don’t want it.

I don’t want love because when I start wanting it, I keep giving it all without expecting anything in return. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to make memories because I know that these memories will leave me haunted when the love is gone.

And so right at this moment, I may be destroying my chance of being loved.

I don’t want to create memories with anyone. I am scared of vulnerability. I have been in that state too many times before. The more I spend time with someone I really like, the more I fall into the abyss of loving that person, and the more that my desire for his/her love and all of his/her attention grows, and the least thing I want right now is for that person to feel suffocated. And so, I keep trying to push anyone away. Today, I may not want to talk to you or spend time with you, and then tomorrow, I may find myself annoying you with my “heys”, and asking for your love and attention.

It is too cold. Maybe you can give me your love to warm me up.

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Senses XII: Longing and Falling

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I long for
the touch your hands
haven’t done
and the kiss
your lips haven’t
planted on mine
I crave
the warmth your
body hasn’t offered
and the comfort
your arms haven’t
secured around me
I miss you
without having to
know if I’m entitled
to feel it
or whether or not
you deserve it
And I fall for you
without judgment
sporadically
clouding my mind
for this is what I do
I long for you
without wanting to know
if you long for me, too.

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All Over The Place

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He said, “Write anything under the sun. Write about your hopes and dreams.” I said, “I do. I always write about you.” 

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I thought about the stubble on your face

And the freckles on your shoulders

I thought about how heavenly it would be to be in your arms

And how achingly beautiful it would be to trace your back with my fingertips

I thought about how one plus one would be equal to you and me;

And how we would always be together unlike A and Z

I thought about what your lips would taste like

And how your hands would fit in mine

I thought about how I would forget what words are when you’d look at me

And how the sound of your voice in the morning would send shiver down my spine

I thought about how algorithm would never seem to work for the both of us

And how forensic science could never solve the downfall of our chemistry

I thought about how you would own me the very first time you would lay your eyes on me

And how my body would no longer be mine but yours to keep

I thought about how it would not always rainbows and butterflies with you

But also daggers and poison killing us bit by bit

I thought about how much pain you would cause me

And how I would still love every inch of you

I thought about how my thoughts would slowly swallow my entire soul because

My thoughts would be all about you

They have always been all about you

and right now

They are all over the place.

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Won’t Be Coming Back

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I love you, but I won’t be coming back.

Not today. Not tomorrow. Not anymore.

We no longer share each other’s values.

We don’t inspire each other to be the better version of ourselves.

Making each other smile is not our priority anymore.

We now doubt the possibility of us being together in the future.

We no longer love each other as much as we did before.

We don’t want each other anymore.

You love me, but I know you won’t be coming back.

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This piece is written especially for someone close to me. Darling, if you’re reading this, I know you’re as much stronger as you were before. You’ve been through a lot, and that means you’ll get through anything. 🙂 I’m not asking you to do what I do, or to be like me. I am asking you to stand your ground, and let go of what’s been constraining you. After all, we’re just humans and we live differently. ❤

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Don’t Worry.

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Right after I published my latest post about power clinging last night, I felt the sudden urge of loneliness and hatred rushing through my veins. I remained static in my seat as I felt my heart suddenly break into pieces. I was okay. I was happy and content while writing.

But I’ve always had problems keeping my emotions and thoughts in check.

I am not emotionally healthy.

I am not mentally fit.

“You are smart, and you are strong.”

I told myself many times as I tried to calm myself down.

“You are not okay. You have to let it all out.”

My mind told me so. And so I clenched my fists until my fingernails brought a searing but satisfying pain into my palms. I knocked the wall next to me three times. I stood up and walked out. I went to see my friends who were practicing their dance at that time — a dance that I taught them. I was supposed to guide them and dance with them.

But everything seemed so wrong.

Something was wrong, and it was making me feel uneasy.

I sat down watching them. They all looked so happy. I felt my heart harden, refusing to feel anything at all.

I decided to walk out again.

What was wrong with me, you might ask.

Nothing.

Nothing was wrong.

Everything was okay.

Everything is okay.

This has been my problem ever since I was young.

I am not emotionally healthy.

I am not mentally fit.

But you know what? I try. I try to be better. And honestly? I am becoming better at dealing with my fleeting emotions and racing thoughts now more than I ever did before.

Right now, I still don’t feel okay.

But I will be. Don’t worry. And don’t say anything stupid to me. 🙂

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Pain

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Tell me where it hurts,” he said as he held her legs with both of his hands. He caressed her back and kissed the back of her left ear and down her bare shoulders. He caught her off guard, and she couldn’t say a thing. It wasn’t her body that was hurting. It was something inside her. It was in her center. Pulsating, yearning, and burning. It was her heart.

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Silver Lining

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“Are you okay?”

He said as he studied her face. He found her sitting alone in the living room, with one of her hands rubbing her temples.

“I am kind of…depressed,” she replied briefly.

He didn’t have to ask because he knew she had been depressed for a while now. He noticed her isolating herself not only from him, but from everyone else they knew.

“I know. But why?”

She sighed, and he noticed her purse her lips as if she wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the right words to say.

“I don’t know,” she muttered even though she knew he wouldn’t believe her. She, herself, knew what was wrong and she was having a hard time trying to find a way to express it.

“I think I know. Stop being constantly sad. You should feel better.”

He did his best to cheer her up but none of all these made her feel a lot better. He felt like everything he said never made any sense to her. She had always been like this — difficult, complicated.

“You only have so much time in life. You should spend as much time being happy as possible–“

“–in real life, we get sad,” Her voice was too soft, yet full of angst and sadness.

“Emotions are a choice,”

“For the cold-hearted, yes.”

She always had something to contradict him.

“Silver lining.”

A bit dazed, she raised one of her eyebrows.

“Anyone can choose to be sad or to be happy. You just got to embrace the silver lining.”

“I can’t find the silver lining.”

“You are not starving on the streets, and you are not in a country in a civil war.”

He turned his back and started to walk away from her.

“Fine. Go away. You were never here anyway, and until now, I am still breathing. I don’t need you! I will live!”

He turned around and smiled at her.

“Silver lining.”

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Touch

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“I want you to touch me,” she whispered so softly that she thought he didn’t hear her.

“No. I can’t. I am not the one for you,” he looked at her with dead serious eyes.

She was in so much pain and all she wanted was for him to touch her, hold her and squeeze her tiny body into his arms. She wanted to feel his chest and listen to his heartbeat — to find out whether or not he really didn’t care about her anymore. She wanted him to pick up all the remaining pieces of her broken heart and put it all back together.

Yet he couldn’t. He didn’t want to ever touch her, not in a million years, not even in a parallel universe. He didn’t want to ever lay another finger on her because he knew that the moment he did, she’d crumble down all the more until there was nothing left of her.

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What Kind of Love Do We Really Want?

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We want a love that consumes us more than a love that makes us feel comfortable and secured.

— I actually just commented this on my darling Jayde’s latest post. As I wrote this to her, it also felt like I was talking to myself. The two of us, Jayde and I, besides being the bestest of friends and having the same qualities and desires in life, we are also experiencing the same thing with our romantic relationship. Despite that, we both know that we can get through this. We have each other, and we help each other get back on our feet. ❤

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS, JAYDE.

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