I Love You, Goodbye

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A post about one of the struggles of being in an LDR, written by Kat Fabronero for Toast&Tea

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They say that when you love someone you have to set them free. Today—or rather, in a few days time—I shall set him free.

I had always wondered what happened months ago when he had changed — what made him change. He was no longer the person I knew during those first few months into the relationship. It was a sign, perhaps, that this LDR journey would not last but I refused to acknowledge it.

I said yes when he proposed albeit informally; I wanted him in my life. I continued to persevere and placed my all into making it work even if time and again, he casually shrugged off all of my efforts. He was crass, insensitive, regardless of my feelings for him. What should’ve been the wake-up call for me months ago should’ve been the end of everything.

But I loved him and I was willing to tolerate that slight.

Heart still in tatters, I moved on, telling myself that I should be understanding, more forgiving, more thankful that he and I still communicate despite the red lights flashing. He was no longer interested in me as person…just my looks, it seems.

I still held on.

It was a decision that was influenced by his surprise video calls and unexpected serenades. I would instantly melt, for crying out loud! However, our texts and communication grew more and more scarce, with me always initiating a “conversation” inquiring how his side of the world was doing.

I never got a response right away even every time I saw that he was online. Mostly, he would reply the day after but with only a few words. I tried to give him a day or two for him to try initiate a talk with me but it didn’t work. It broke my heart to see this relationship crumbling into bits. But like a person in love, I still held on despite signs telling me the opposite.

I should’ve let him go when we had turned one, and he mocked my efforts to greet him. Prior to that, I sent him pictures of me making a countdown to our special day. On the day of our first anniversary, I had sacrificed sleep to buy mini cupcakes that spelled the words “I love you”. I was hoping for a Skype call—even if it would just be for 5 minutes. Yet, the celebration I was hoping for did not happen. To top it off, he just laughed at the photo of the mini cupcakes. It was like being slapped in the face.

I realized that I was not a priority. I was never a priority. I was not in his priority list.

He made that clear when I asked him what he envisions himself 5 years from now. In that vision, I wasn’t in it despite what we had discussed in those early days. In his life, I did not exist. No one knew of my existence.

Here I was, shouting to the world that he’s my man, but I…I was but a shadow in his.

I’ve had enough.

I’m tired of all the chasing. My heart is exhausted from breaking apart time and again. My heart could only tolerate so much.

Even if it pains me to do so, even if it hurts I have to let this go.

Let him go. For his sake.

For my sake.

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Kat Fabronero is a registered nurse, frustrated creative writer, food addict, bookworm, and the author of The Fat Kat. She is  passionate about British history, and she loves to play video games.

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Got any comments or advice? Just comment below. Thank you! 🙂

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When I Asked You If You Loved Me

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by Diana Marcos

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When I asked you if you loved me,
you turned your back and refused to face me
“Of course, I do,” that was what you said
But I never knew what was going on in your head.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I was hoping you would say the words immediately
But you just smiled at me with your captivating caramel eyes
And I could not decipher whether or not they were just expressing lies.

When I asked you if you loved me,
you walked a few steps away from me,
You looked at me with disappointment
When all I wanted was acknowledgement.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I was confused with the response you gave me
You planted a kiss on top of my head
You squeezed my body under the sheets in your bed.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I asked not because I believed you didn’t
I knew you did, but I wanted to be reminded
But all you believed in was that you weren’t trusted.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I didn’t foresee that you would leave me,
With all the happy memories you had shared with me
I never knew you had the capacity to forget me that quickly.

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Thank You and Goodbye

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A poem written by Kristine Pineda for Toast&Tea

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I’d be lying if I told you, I didn’t love you
I’d be lying if I told you, I hated you
You were my one great love
that I asked from above.

I’d be lying if I told you, I stopped thinking of you
And I’d be lying if I told you, I don’t miss you
You still cross my mind
Our memories — good and bad, combined.

I thought I would be okay
Until I caught myself staring at the bay
I am getting weak and this is wrong
Wish I could be strong.

I wish I could erase all the memories
That turned instantly into tears
You’re one of the best
But you turned out to be just a guest.

In a heart I own
In these lips that is always on frown
You made these little mouth smile
From the love we had from a thousand mile.

Now I’m saying goodbye
And I wish I could fake the smile in my eye
But one has to walk away
And go on every single day.

I thank you for the smiles
We have shared even from the miles
Hoping this will be the last
And for us to heal fast.

As I write this, I wish you nothing but the best
And just let our hearts take a rest
As I say goodbye to someone
that I don’t want to be addressed.

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Kristine Pineda is a twenty-five year-old Filipina living in New Jersey. She is the author of The Blank PolaroidsShe loves photography, writing short poems and short notes about love and life. 

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Never Again

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You saw the weak side of me —
the side I would never let anyone uncover
but I let you in and showed you
the things only I was supposed to know
only to be used by you against me later on
It was a mistake that cannot be undone;
it was a lesson that cannot be unlearned
it was something that I can never take back
and something I won’t dare do again.

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Don’t Worry.

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Right after I published my latest post about power clinging last night, I felt the sudden urge of loneliness and hatred rushing through my veins. I remained static in my seat as I felt my heart suddenly break into pieces. I was okay. I was happy and content while writing.

But I’ve always had problems keeping my emotions and thoughts in check.

I am not emotionally healthy.

I am not mentally fit.

“You are smart, and you are strong.”

I told myself many times as I tried to calm myself down.

“You are not okay. You have to let it all out.”

My mind told me so. And so I clenched my fists until my fingernails brought a searing but satisfying pain into my palms. I knocked the wall next to me three times. I stood up and walked out. I went to see my friends who were practicing their dance at that time — a dance that I taught them. I was supposed to guide them and dance with them.

But everything seemed so wrong.

Something was wrong, and it was making me feel uneasy.

I sat down watching them. They all looked so happy. I felt my heart harden, refusing to feel anything at all.

I decided to walk out again.

What was wrong with me, you might ask.

Nothing.

Nothing was wrong.

Everything was okay.

Everything is okay.

This has been my problem ever since I was young.

I am not emotionally healthy.

I am not mentally fit.

But you know what? I try. I try to be better. And honestly? I am becoming better at dealing with my fleeting emotions and racing thoughts now more than I ever did before.

Right now, I still don’t feel okay.

But I will be. Don’t worry. And don’t say anything stupid to me. 🙂

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Hatred

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“I hate you!” she screamed at him for the millionth time.

Her anger radiated from every vein and nerve in her body. Her eyes were getting red, as if flames were coming out of it.

He looked at her dumbfounded. He was not sure why she was acting like that again, but he knew that she had always hated him. She hated every inch of him. The sight of him made her entire soul convulse in fury.

“I…don’t…want…to…see…your…face……ever…again,” she said slowly, making sure she enunciated every single word clearly.

It was one of the saddest lines he had ever heard and he wanted to believe she didn’t mean it. But she did. She never wanted to see him again. Seeing him would always bring back the pain she thought she had already forgotten. He had always given her a reason to break, and she no longer wanted that to happen…ever again.

She brought out all of the photos of them together and slowly tore them one by one in front of him.

Her face — expressionless.

He stood in front of her — speechless.

As she went on to destroy the last piece of photograph, her tears began to fall like the first snowfall in October. Silent but deafening. He stepped a little closer to her as she bowed her head and stared at all the torn pieces of photographs.

“DON’T!” she screamed again as she looked up before he had a chance to touch her.

“I hate you!” she screamed at him for the millionth time.

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I Am Not The One You Like

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I am not the one you like because you like somebody else. My beauty is not the kind that you can’t resist. The sound of my voice only stays in your mind for a couple of minutes. My smile fades in your memory like a contrail. My entire being doesn’t move your soul. In your eyes, I am not that special. My innocent face bothers your conscience every time you look at me. You see me the way a father sees his newborn child, like a delicate figurine…a doll you don’t want others to play with, yet you don’t dare touch as well.

I am not the one you like because you like something else. You like something that is not too easy and not too difficult. I am too much for you to handle, though I make it too easy for you to play with my heart. You like something fun and crazy, yet my cheerfulness and enthusiasm drain your energy. You like something you can touch with your bare hands – something concrete, something close; not something you can only touch with your heart and soul, not something from afar.

I am not the one you like because you simply don’t like me. You like somebody else. You like something else. Somebody else that is not me. Something else that’s not who I am.

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Season of Despair

I still think of you and long for you every now and then…so much so that it makes me feel like four seasons have already passed without me realizing. I have never noticed the first drop of snowflakes in the winter, and the first bloom of flowers in the spring. I have never had a chance to feel the warmth of the Indian summer light cascading through the pavement, and to witness the falling of the first autumn leaves. How could I let this pass and focus on something that has never done me any good? I have been so engrossed on the idea of loving you and being loved by you that I forgot to appreciate the passing of the four seasons. This season of despair I am currently in has to end soon. You’re not worth it. No, you’re not worth it all.

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Heartsickness

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Heal me, I’m heartsick
I’m hungry and I’m broken
I’m haunted, and weeping
The blood of heaven flowing like a river tonight, tears I can’t fight on my own

“Do you even have plans to get up?!” she yelled outside my room as I curled up in bed, my eyes shut tightly, tired from last night’s crying session. No Vacancy’s song was still playing on repeat.

“Give me a minute,” I mumbled, imagining she heard me.

“Just get up already! We’re going to be late!” she busted trough my door, and took the duvet off my body. I struggled to open my eyes and sat up. She tried to meet my gaze, but I avoided her. I focused on the mirror across my bed. I smiled just a little as I saw my reflection. I looked like a mess. A real hot mess. I was still wearing the same little dress I wore when I went out last night. I wasn’t able to clean my face, so my makeup was all over my face.

“How long are you going to be like this?” she asked with a stern voice. I took a deep breath as tears started to well up in my eyes all over again.

“I am so sorry,” was all I could say. The tears turned into loud sobbing. I couldn’t help it. It broke my heart to even look at her. She knew how much pain I had in me. She opened her arms and squeezed me tightly.

“I have never dreamed of seeing you in so much pain. If I could just take away all your pain, I would,” she softly whispered into my ear.

And right there and then, I felt temporarily safe and healed. I didn’t want to let go. I wish I didn’t have to, because I knew that once I did, she’d be long gone.

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Story (c) Diana Marcos 2015

Parallel Universe

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Welcome to the parallel universe
where realities are turned into dreams
where your broken heart is always healed
by the ones who actually broke it
where all your wants and needs
are met without you having to plead
where everything seems normal
when in fact you are actually just asleep.

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Poem inspired by a recent conversation with someone I just met through trolling on Instagram. 🙂

Mission Aborted

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“I am going to write more poems about you!” I said excitedly like a small kid who just got free lollipops at a candy shop.

“Oh no! Mission abort!” he pretended to be scared, and then smiled sweetly. Oh God, I love it when he does that. Why does he do that? This man makes me sane and crazy both at the same time.

“I am sorry but you cannot abort this mission,” I replied and winked.

“Glad to know that,” he responded with a smile again. Stop doing that.

“Glad to know what?” I asked, confused.

“That you don’t want to abort this mission.” These were just eight words that made my day.

But life sucks sometimes, and I thought we would never abort this mission.

He did. I wanted to give him everything, but he couldn’t take it. It was too much.

So he ran away.

Mission aborted.

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Gone

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Hey, why are you gone?
Why can't you be mine?
You could have been my Sun.

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Voice

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Your voice was music
that got stuck in my head
I fucking hate it.

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Stop

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I want no more pain
I am going to stop
thinking about you.

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A Letter to A Cheater: What Cheating Really Means

25 Signs He's Cheating On You - How to Know If Your Boyfriend Is Cheating - Cosmopolitan:
(source)

HorizontalBar_2This is the second part of my first letter.


What does cheating really mean? I think it is pretty much subjective. But unfortunately, for some people (mostly the people who are very defensive of this act) believe so much in its objective meaning.

I have written something about cheating yesterday, and until now, I still haven’t recovered from it. The person I was referring to in my post, let us call her Maria, had become so defensive of it, and retaliated. She sent a message saying that she didn’t actually cheat on a very close friend of mine. She said, “I didn’t do anything intimate with her,” but she also told my friend she kissed the other girl she liked. She even defined the word “cheating” for us because she thought we needed it, and that we don’t understand its real meaning.

She said (This line was originally in Tag-lish):

“Can you define cheating? Because the last time I checked, I didn’t have any intimate acts with somebody”

Sounds familiar?

Well, we checked Urban Dictionary and it said that cheating is:

“When one person has a significant other and performs any type of intimate acts with another person.”

It is a pity that she had to copy one definition of the word just to defend herself, when there are also other definitions of the said word that justify her action. Well, I don’t really want to be that objective, but since she has started copying lines from unreliable sources, I feel like it is also a must that I list down the different definitions of the word “cheating” from more reliable sources:

Dictionary.com

verb (used with object)

: to defraud; swindle

: to deceive; influence by fraud

: to elude; deprive of something expected
noun
: a person who acts dishonestly, deceives, or defrauds

verb

: to break a rule or law usually to gain an advantage at something

: to take something from (someone) by lying or breaking a rule

: to prevent (someone) from having something that he or she deserves or was expecting to get

transitive verb

:  to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
:  to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
:  to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting <cheat death>
verb
: Act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage
: Gain an advantage over or deprive of something by using unfair or deceitful methods; defraud
: Be sexually unfaithful (the only meaning of “cheating” for her hah!)
noun
: A person who behaves dishonestly in order to gain an advantage.
So, cheating is not just used to refer to someone who had intimate or sexually suggestive acts with another person. When I wrote my post yesterday, I didn’t claim that she was intimately involved with the person she cheated on my friend with. She pretended she didn’t like that person while she was with my friend, only to find out that she actually had strong feelings for the other person while she was still in a relationship.

Cheating means you are being dishonest or unfair to someone. It is a form of lying or keeping the truth. The next time you say something, make sure that your research is better than mine.

Good luck, Cheater.

x


Shout out to Urban Dictionary, Dictionary.com, Merriam-Webster and Oxford Dictionary. 😀
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What I Do…

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Have you ever

laid down in bed at night

and thought of how much

I think of you?

Have you ever

stopped what you were doing

because you smelled

a scent like mine?

Have you ever

spaced out

because you saw

a photograph of me?

Have you ever

looked at the stars at night

because you remembered

that once, I existed in your life

and you pushed me away?

I wish you had because that is what I do

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I Wish You Were Her

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I love how you smile at me when you see me

You look exactly just like her

I love the way you flip your hair unconsciously

And for a moment I wish you were her

You don’t have her brown hair

the one that I have always adored

the one that flips carelessly in the air

the one that smells like cherry blossoms in the spring

You don’t have her dark hazel brown eyes

the ones that shine in the sun

the ones that my soul loses into

the ones that tell me how amazing life could be

You don’t have her lips

the one I have always craved for

that red pair of softness I so long to devour

You don’t have her skin that has always looked sun-kissed

her back that is very well defined

her heart that used to be mine

I wish you were her

And I also wish she was you

that she would love me the way you do

that she would give up her world just to be in mine

and that she would wish to wake up beside me every time

I wish your name was different to hers

because whenever I call you

It is her who I always remember.

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On Waiting

HorizontalBar_1“You’ll find another.’
God! Banish the thought. Why don’t you tell me that ‘if the girl had been worth having she’d have waited for you’? No, sir, the girl really worth having won’t wait for anybody.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

What  would happen if you keep waiting? …if you keep hoping that he would come around, and do everything he could to reach out to you? What if you are just waiting for nothing? You are a beautiful person with a kind and caring heart. You deserve someone better…someone who would appreciate you and someone who would do anything just to keep you.

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I Fvcking Did

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If I hadn’t loved you
I would have never gotten mad at you
If I hadn’t cared about you
I would have never worried much about you
If I hadn’t missed you
I could not care less if you didn’t talk to me for years
But I did
I fvcking did.

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When Love Means Pain

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Sometimes how you see a person is different from how another person sees him…and what’s worse is, sometimes that person isn’t who you think he really is even when you think you have known him for a long, long time.

And, if you love that person, you would always see the best in him even when everyone thinks he’s the worst person in the world…and you would stay with him even when he’s the one pushing you away.

Love should never be based on how long or short you have known each other. It should never be measured by how much you can give and how often you can sacrifice. It should never be about proving something to people.

People are inclined to question a lot of things. It is inevitable. Sometimes they take a toll on your being. They get on your nerves. But if you’re certain about your feeling, then you should never be bothered by them.

Love isn’t always amazing. It is bloody. It is a battlefield. There is so much pain attached to it. It’s always up to you to deal with it. You don’t have to be scared even when it makes you want to crumble down on your knees. Love is not for the weak, they say. So, stand your ground if you really want it. Pain is momentary but what comes after it vanishes will be all worth it.

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