Midnight Thoughts of the One That Got Away

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I am that girl most people I’ve been with would probably think of as “the one that got away.” I always get away. Always. Not because I want to…but because people let me go.

It’s almost four in the morning, and I found myself reading a message I just received from one of the ghosts of my past.

"Hey. I am just wondering how you've been."

How many times have I received a message like this before? How many times have I seen unknown numbers of different people pop up on my phone screen at 4am, telling me they miss me, or that they have been thinking about me and that they are sorry? How many times have I witnessed my phone ring several times in a day from people who “just want to hear my voice?” I can no longer count it with my fingers, and I also can’t stop but wonder…why?

Why do people do this? And why me? Was I born to be that person whose worth will only be realized once I am out of people’s lives?

No. Of course, not. I am worthy of the best things in life. I know how good I am, and unfortunately for some people, it takes them a long time to see and think about the goodness in a person. It isn’t their fault their realization of things are a bit slower, but it is never my fault as well.

I’ve always been the one that people will let go of, and then decide to come back to after…only to find out, they have no one to go back to anymore. And that’s a good thing. I can no longer pick up what I’ve already thrown away unless I’ve loved it ever so dearly that I would put away my pride to pick it up again.

As Passenger’s song goes,

Well, you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go...

It’s also funny how people will only realize they actually want to keep you in their life once they see how happy you are without them, and when you’ve already found someone new that puts a smile on your face better than they used to.

And for the first time in years, someone is not letting me slip away…no matter how many times I feel myself drifting. I’ve never felt like this before.

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All That I’ve Got

I need something else

Would someone please just give me

Hit me, knock me out

And let me go back to sleep

— All That I’ve Got – The Used
My mornings usually start with looking at my phone and finding a message from my sister, and my nights usually end with another message from her reminding me how much she loves and misses me. She does this even at times I don’t get a chance to respond to her.

I have always thought that my sister is the most misunderstood member in our family. Our dad’s family has always seen her as the black sheep, psycho granddaughter, niece, daughter, cousin and sister. They think of her as someone who shouldn’t be imitated, despite the praises they give her for being so smart in school.

I remember them reminding me not to be like her. I remember myself reassuring them I won’t, although in my mind, I know that my sister is the best and I am very proud of her.

I could not blame our relatives for calling her a black sheep and for seeing her that way. She has always been the one who goes against rules when she knows that these rules violate her right as a person. I think I may have gotten that attitude from her.

My sister has a personality disorder, and she has been through a lot of traumatic events in her life. She has suffered more than I have, yet she remains to be my strength. I couldn’t be any more proud of having her as my sister. I get anxious and really depressed every single second but every time she tells me she loves me, I feel a whole lot better.

It’s a little bit funny because I know how often she gets depressed, yet she always seems so happy every time she texts me or calls me on the phone. In fact, she always sounds so cheerful and enthusiastic. I admire her ability to cover what she really feels deep inside her. I know her too well. I know she has negative thoughts and that she has still been fighting off her demons. She is doing a really good job in hiding it.

I have to admit that behind these self-strength posts I always write is an anxious and depressive woman who continuously tries to battle all the things that makes her feel bad about herself.

Every day, just like what my sister does, I do my best to be the better version of myself. I try to smile, to laugh, and to think of myself as a strong person. Sometimes I fail, but every time I do, I think of my sister and remember how she, herself, has done her best to be better, to think positively and to be happy despite every thing.

I know that we’re not perfect. We make stupid mistakes, but these mistakes help us learn and grow day by day. My sister doesn’t have to remind me to learn from her, but I do remember how she never lets her past hinder her from being the amazing person that she is.

Sometimes, we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes, we learn from others. Sometimes, we grow on our own. Sometimes, we grow with others. ❤️

I’ll be just fine

Pretending I’m not

I’m far from lonely

And it’s all that I’ve got.

A Little Thought on Commitment

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Sometimes people do not want to commit to you regardless of how much they like you or how good you make them feel.

Sometimes they just suddenly stay away from you or stop loving you further to save themselves from vulnerability. It is simply a selfish and nonsensical reason.

Does the inability to commit yourself to someone you like affect your maturity when it comes to relationships? I am not sure; but I do know that when people cannot commit themselves yet, it reflects their willingness and preparedness to take risks.

They.

Are.

Not.

Yet.

Ready.

When they think they aren’t ready yet, when will they be?

“In time,” they may say.

“In time” may take forever.

When you fall, it just happens. You cannot plan nor set a schedule for it.

It is okay to allow yourself to feel vulnerable sometimes. It shows that you can feel something. It shows that you can feel pain, and that you’re human. It is okay to have someone to make you feel that way. You can love, and you shouldn’t stop yourself from feeling it.

And if someone decides to stay away from you, or stops loving you further because of reasons unknown, it isn’t going to be your fault.

Continue being adorable. You are an awesome-azingly beautiful human being. ❤

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Right Person, Right Time

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There’s no such thing as loving the right person at the wrong time. If you love the right person, there’s never a wrong time.

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Love and Adventure

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I want love and adventure as two separate things and not as one. Some people would say that love is an adventure, and adventure requires love, but do you know what happens when you have these two together at once? When the adventure is gone, so is the love.

© Diana | toastandtea.me

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That Best Friend Who Never Gives Up

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To my best friend who woke me up with this sketch she made for me:

We have been very busy recently, but you never fail to surprise me. You have no idea how much happiness you have caused me when I saw this picture. I have been at my lowest state these past few days, and even when we’re five thousand miles apart, you still make sure you’re here for me (virtually).

I have been having crappy days, and you always know when I need you. It’s like you can detect my sadness even when I don’t tell you. I hope you’re keeping this sketch you made for me because I’ll be asking for it when we meet again. I am very proud of you, and I miss and love you terribly.

Thank you for everything.

Thank you for staying with me even at times I am pushing you away.

Thank you for being so understanding, and for forgiving me every time I make you feel like I am neglecting our friendship.

Thank you for always being a sister, and for not judging me based on my actions and my behavior.

Thank you for not giving up on me.

I will try my best to be better for you.

I love you always and forever.

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What she said that melted my heart:

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Here’s the photo of mine that she copied:

I love how passionate she is with her paintings.

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Isn’t she great? She is better at art than I am, but I’ve always been so proud of her. ❤

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One of my favorite piece she made.

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My Happiness, My Choice

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Happiness is a choice, and right now, you’re either happy or you’re not choosing to be happy.

Let’s say you have been in a roller coaster of emotions lately. One second, you feel extremely happy and content by yourself. The next minute, you are in bed alone with your depressing thoughts.

Despite these, I know you still try your best to feel better. You’ve been alone most of the time, and you’ve encouraged yourself to be happy with your own company.

So lately, you haven’t really been very productive. You’ve been physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. If you were to summarize your week, you couldn’t remember a thing because all the other things you did have gone with the wind as soon as you were done with them.

Let’s say you were like me.

Let’s put yourself in my situation.

Imagine that you were me, and I were you.

Imagine that you were prettier (LOL).

Okay, that’s a bad joke. Sorry. 😛

I was feeling this way lately. I felt motivated to do nothing. Everything I did only felt like chores to me, and this wasn’t the first time. This happens to me sporadically, and when it does, I try my best to make myself feel better.

So lately, I remember doing these two things to feel better and be happy.

Staying away from social networking sites.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been on SNS a lot for the past few weeks and it has been causing me a lot of stress. Last week, I started scheduling a time where I would log out of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and all messaging apps. The struggle was real, but I tried my best to stay away from what was causing me too much stress. I feel stressed out talking to people, but sometimes, I feel more stressed out because people are not talking to me. I still log back in, of course, but I am glad to be able to stay away from socializing over the Interwebs even just for a little while.

Listening to music that I find good for my soul.

I have been seeking comfort in indie and stoner rock music lately. These are two of my favorite genre of music, and I haven’t listened to it for a long time because I’ve been caught up with so many things.

So I am stressed out and I want to be happy…Alone. I need to learn how to be happy alone.

 Now playing on repeat:

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How’s life lately?

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Don’t Worry.

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Right after I published my latest post about power clinging last night, I felt the sudden urge of loneliness and hatred rushing through my veins. I remained static in my seat as I felt my heart suddenly break into pieces. I was okay. I was happy and content while writing.

But I’ve always had problems keeping my emotions and thoughts in check.

I am not emotionally healthy.

I am not mentally fit.

“You are smart, and you are strong.”

I told myself many times as I tried to calm myself down.

“You are not okay. You have to let it all out.”

My mind told me so. And so I clenched my fists until my fingernails brought a searing but satisfying pain into my palms. I knocked the wall next to me three times. I stood up and walked out. I went to see my friends who were practicing their dance at that time — a dance that I taught them. I was supposed to guide them and dance with them.

But everything seemed so wrong.

Something was wrong, and it was making me feel uneasy.

I sat down watching them. They all looked so happy. I felt my heart harden, refusing to feel anything at all.

I decided to walk out again.

What was wrong with me, you might ask.

Nothing.

Nothing was wrong.

Everything was okay.

Everything is okay.

This has been my problem ever since I was young.

I am not emotionally healthy.

I am not mentally fit.

But you know what? I try. I try to be better. And honestly? I am becoming better at dealing with my fleeting emotions and racing thoughts now more than I ever did before.

Right now, I still don’t feel okay.

But I will be. Don’t worry. And don’t say anything stupid to me. 🙂

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I Am a Strong WOman

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I am a strong WOman and I am brave. I am focused on myself and not on everyone else. While I may lack some of the great qualities one wants to see in me, I still possess other great things, and I will never bend my knees for anyone who is undeserving of my love and trust.

I am a strong WOman and I have utmost respect towards myself. I may have low tolerance for things I do not like, but I also have a very high level of persistence for things I really like. If I don’t like you, I don’t like you. Period. If I like you…I really do and you can do nothing about it.

I am a strong WOman and I can get through anything. The more pain you inflict on me, the more I get stronger. The more scars I get, the more I become braver.

I am a strong WOman and I am not the only one.

Because behind a strong WOman is a group of an even stronger WOmen.

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Still Here

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Today, you asked me where I had been. You screamed at me and accused me of not being there for you when you needed me. I couldn’t say anything. I wanted to tell you…I wanted to say…that I had always been here. I had always been here, waiting for you. Hoping for this day when you had finally seen and noticed me. And although the way you saw me today wasn’t what I wished for, at least you had finally recognized my presence without looking for someone else.

I had always been here.

And…

I am still here.

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Social Media and People

One thing I do not like about people on social media sometimes is the fact that some of us like to exercise freedom of speech so much so that we forget other people. We forget that other people have feelings, too…that not all of us have the same degree of perception and that we don’t always have the same opinions on things.

A few daws ago, I stumbled upon a post by someone laughing at a photo that she just shared. The photo was actually a meme, and it was a joke on other people who liked to take selfies. It was questioning why some people take too many selfies every day, and post it online when in fact, other people don’t care about how they look on their selfies…that no matter how many times they do it, their physical appearance will never change…that they will never look better even if they post selfies every single day. It pained me that other people who commented on it also thought it was funny.

The other day, I also came across another post saying that it ires her seeing people post about almost everything. What? You can do everything you want, and we can’t? Who are you? The Queen? The President?

Having seen this post made me think of so many things and reflect on my own as well. I neither like nor hate people who do take selfies and share them with the world. I am not sure about how I feel for people who like to broadcast their lifestyle. They have their own ways to live and the only good thing I can do is to respect it.

Why would you question what people do when it’s not doing you any harm? It’s their way of expressing themselves, and you have your own way to express yourself, too.

If you don’t like taking pictures of yourself or sharing it with other people, then don’t. If you don’t like posting anything about your life or your feelings and thoughts, then don’t. If you don’t like seeing people who do this, then don’t. Stay out of social media. 

Everyone is different. Not all people are like you, and they don’t have to be like you. Don’t question others based on what and who you are. You may tell me, “It is just a joke.” Yes. It is only a joke, but jokes, as others say, are half meant. Jokes root from something. When you make jokes like these, it isn’t only because you find it funny. It is also because you remember something that is based on real life. You have something that triggers this joke. IT IS NOT A GOOD JOKE.

There are people out there, people who have personality disorder and anxiety issues — people who are sensitive enough to get depressed knowing that others question their ways. I know a lot of people like them. We have different ways of expressing ourselves and making ourselves feel better, and for them, this is how they do it. And people like them, when questioned, exhibit a deeper kind of demotivation and their insecurities will get more heightened. I know…because I am one of them.

You don’t know how people like us think and feel…that a simple form of banter may lead to something bigger, something unimaginable, something that your conscience will never forget. I am not asking you to stop exercising your right to express yourselves in your own way, I just ask you to be more careful of what you want to express, and to stop being ignorant of other people’s feelings.

But then again, like I said, we’re all different. This rant of mine shouldn’t define who you are. You have your own ways, so you do you.

You don’t know how people like us think and feel…that a simple form of banter may lead to something bigger, something unimaginable, something that your conscience will never forget. I am not asking you to stop exercising your right to express yourselves in your own way, I just ask you to be more careful of what you want to express.

That’s all.

Thank you. 🙂

What Kind of Love Do We Really Want?

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We want a love that consumes us more than a love that makes us feel comfortable and secured.

— I actually just commented this on my darling Jayde’s latest post. As I wrote this to her, it also felt like I was talking to myself. The two of us, Jayde and I, besides being the bestest of friends and having the same qualities and desires in life, we are also experiencing the same thing with our romantic relationship. Despite that, we both know that we can get through this. We have each other, and we help each other get back on our feet. ❤

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS, JAYDE.

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Season of Despair

I still think of you and long for you every now and then…so much so that it makes me feel like four seasons have already passed without me realizing. I have never noticed the first drop of snowflakes in the winter, and the first bloom of flowers in the spring. I have never had a chance to feel the warmth of the Indian summer light cascading through the pavement, and to witness the falling of the first autumn leaves. How could I let this pass and focus on something that has never done me any good? I have been so engrossed on the idea of loving you and being loved by you that I forgot to appreciate the passing of the four seasons. This season of despair I am currently in has to end soon. You’re not worth it. No, you’re not worth it all.

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Why Come Back?

Eternal winter.:
(source)
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Some people change overnight. They get popular, move to a new place, forget their old friends, and focus on making new friends and establishing connections. When things don’t work out, they change overnight [again]. They get unpopular, go back to their hometown, reunite with their old friends [who have never forgotten them], and focus on recuperating from their misfortune. When things don’t go the way you want it to, why do you always go back? Why do you want to forget things that make you learn your lessons? If you always forget where you come from, why do you still bother coming back? Why do you only remember where you come from when things don’t go as planned?
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Indescribable Emptiness

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How can you tell you have already fallen hard for someone?

When you start to feel how painful it is to think that you cannot have them at all?

Does it really have to be that painful all the time?

Loving someone who can’t love you the same way and the same degree you do must be the most painful thing in this world.

Because no matter how often someone tells you he feels something for you, too, you can never be sure he will love you as much as you already did.

I have never felt so much pain like this until now.

It is indescribable.

I feel so empty.

How do you even describe emptiness?

I used to compare it to anything concrete

But now, I can only describe it as
just emptiness itself.

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