Adorable

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“She is adorable,” she hears her whisper to him for the nth time.

He smiles and whispers back.

“I know she is.”

It doesn’t affect her anymore. She knows he still thinks the same way about her. She knows he still sees her as the most adorable little girl he has ever met.

…And she knows that her adorableness is the same exact reason he has decided to stop loving her.

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Shitsubou is a collection of fictional excerpts that prove how painful and beautiful love can be at the same time. (c) Diana | Toast and Tea Together

DP (1)

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Unloved

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He called her name
from outside the room
as if it was a specialized endearment
he made for her

She pretended to sleep
just to see
if he was coming to get her
yet he didn’t

She wasn’t aware that
he was calling her
just to say goodbye
one last time

What’s more heartbreaking
than knowing she was slowly
being unloved
without her being aware of it?

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Hold Her Hand.

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Do you need me to hold your hand?

It came out more like sarcasm than actually asking if she needed help.

No. I can do this alone.

She turned her back and walked as fast as she could. She didn’t dare to look back, scared of seeing him walk away.

She didn’t need him to hold her hand. She wanted him to. It would have been nice if he did.

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No More Poetry


HorizontalBar_2“No. No more poetry,” he said sternly, and she knew that would be his last words for the day.

She remained static in bed, like a robot that couldn’t move. She wished she was a robot. She wished she couldn’t feel anything. At least, it wouldn’t hurt so bad when he said he didn’t like her as strongly as she did.

She let out a deep sigh and whispered in the air,

“Why would I stop writing poems about you? It’s all I have. I’ve got nothing else to hold on to. I no longer have you.”

“No. Just…no more poetry.”

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Pain

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Tell me where it hurts,” he said as he held her legs with both of his hands. He caressed her back and kissed the back of her left ear and down her bare shoulders. He caught her off guard, and she couldn’t say a thing. It wasn’t her body that was hurting. It was something inside her. It was in her center. Pulsating, yearning, and burning. It was her heart.

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Silver Lining

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“Are you okay?”

He said as he studied her face. He found her sitting alone in the living room, with one of her hands rubbing her temples.

“I am kind of…depressed,” she replied briefly.

He didn’t have to ask because he knew she had been depressed for a while now. He noticed her isolating herself not only from him, but from everyone else they knew.

“I know. But why?”

She sighed, and he noticed her purse her lips as if she wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the right words to say.

“I don’t know,” she muttered even though she knew he wouldn’t believe her. She, herself, knew what was wrong and she was having a hard time trying to find a way to express it.

“I think I know. Stop being constantly sad. You should feel better.”

He did his best to cheer her up but none of all these made her feel a lot better. He felt like everything he said never made any sense to her. She had always been like this — difficult, complicated.

“You only have so much time in life. You should spend as much time being happy as possible–“

“–in real life, we get sad,” Her voice was too soft, yet full of angst and sadness.

“Emotions are a choice,”

“For the cold-hearted, yes.”

She always had something to contradict him.

“Silver lining.”

A bit dazed, she raised one of her eyebrows.

“Anyone can choose to be sad or to be happy. You just got to embrace the silver lining.”

“I can’t find the silver lining.”

“You are not starving on the streets, and you are not in a country in a civil war.”

He turned his back and started to walk away from her.

“Fine. Go away. You were never here anyway, and until now, I am still breathing. I don’t need you! I will live!”

He turned around and smiled at her.

“Silver lining.”

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Hatred

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“I hate you!” she screamed at him for the millionth time.

Her anger radiated from every vein and nerve in her body. Her eyes were getting red, as if flames were coming out of it.

He looked at her dumbfounded. He was not sure why she was acting like that again, but he knew that she had always hated him. She hated every inch of him. The sight of him made her entire soul convulse in fury.

“I…don’t…want…to…see…your…face……ever…again,” she said slowly, making sure she enunciated every single word clearly.

It was one of the saddest lines he had ever heard and he wanted to believe she didn’t mean it. But she did. She never wanted to see him again. Seeing him would always bring back the pain she thought she had already forgotten. He had always given her a reason to break, and she no longer wanted that to happen…ever again.

She brought out all of the photos of them together and slowly tore them one by one in front of him.

Her face — expressionless.

He stood in front of her — speechless.

As she went on to destroy the last piece of photograph, her tears began to fall like the first snowfall in October. Silent but deafening. He stepped a little closer to her as she bowed her head and stared at all the torn pieces of photographs.

“DON’T!” she screamed again as she looked up before he had a chance to touch her.

“I hate you!” she screamed at him for the millionth time.

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Touch

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“I want you to touch me,” she whispered so softly that she thought he didn’t hear her.

“No. I can’t. I am not the one for you,” he looked at her with dead serious eyes.

She was in so much pain and all she wanted was for him to touch her, hold her and squeeze her tiny body into his arms. She wanted to feel his chest and listen to his heartbeat — to find out whether or not he really didn’t care about her anymore. She wanted him to pick up all the remaining pieces of her broken heart and put it all back together.

Yet he couldn’t. He didn’t want to ever touch her, not in a million years, not even in a parallel universe. He didn’t want to ever lay another finger on her because he knew that the moment he did, she’d crumble down all the more until there was nothing left of her.

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I Am Not The One You Like

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I am not the one you like because you like somebody else. My beauty is not the kind that you can’t resist. The sound of my voice only stays in your mind for a couple of minutes. My smile fades in your memory like a contrail. My entire being doesn’t move your soul. In your eyes, I am not that special. My innocent face bothers your conscience every time you look at me. You see me the way a father sees his newborn child, like a delicate figurine…a doll you don’t want others to play with, yet you don’t dare touch as well.

I am not the one you like because you like something else. You like something that is not too easy and not too difficult. I am too much for you to handle, though I make it too easy for you to play with my heart. You like something fun and crazy, yet my cheerfulness and enthusiasm drain your energy. You like something you can touch with your bare hands – something concrete, something close; not something you can only touch with your heart and soul, not something from afar.

I am not the one you like because you simply don’t like me. You like somebody else. You like something else. Somebody else that is not me. Something else that’s not who I am.

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Heartsickness

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Heal me, I’m heartsick
I’m hungry and I’m broken
I’m haunted, and weeping
The blood of heaven flowing like a river tonight, tears I can’t fight on my own

“Do you even have plans to get up?!” she yelled outside my room as I curled up in bed, my eyes shut tightly, tired from last night’s crying session. No Vacancy’s song was still playing on repeat.

“Give me a minute,” I mumbled, imagining she heard me.

“Just get up already! We’re going to be late!” she busted trough my door, and took the duvet off my body. I struggled to open my eyes and sat up. She tried to meet my gaze, but I avoided her. I focused on the mirror across my bed. I smiled just a little as I saw my reflection. I looked like a mess. A real hot mess. I was still wearing the same little dress I wore when I went out last night. I wasn’t able to clean my face, so my makeup was all over my face.

“How long are you going to be like this?” she asked with a stern voice. I took a deep breath as tears started to well up in my eyes all over again.

“I am so sorry,” was all I could say. The tears turned into loud sobbing. I couldn’t help it. It broke my heart to even look at her. She knew how much pain I had in me. She opened her arms and squeezed me tightly.

“I have never dreamed of seeing you in so much pain. If I could just take away all your pain, I would,” she softly whispered into my ear.

And right there and then, I felt temporarily safe and healed. I didn’t want to let go. I wish I didn’t have to, because I knew that once I did, she’d be long gone.

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Story (c) Diana Marcos 2015

Mission Aborted

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“I am going to write more poems about you!” I said excitedly like a small kid who just got free lollipops at a candy shop.

“Oh no! Mission abort!” he pretended to be scared, and then smiled sweetly. Oh God, I love it when he does that. Why does he do that? This man makes me sane and crazy both at the same time.

“I am sorry but you cannot abort this mission,” I replied and winked.

“Glad to know that,” he responded with a smile again. Stop doing that.

“Glad to know what?” I asked, confused.

“That you don’t want to abort this mission.” These were just eight words that made my day.

But life sucks sometimes, and I thought we would never abort this mission.

He did. I wanted to give him everything, but he couldn’t take it. It was too much.

So he ran away.

Mission aborted.

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Adieu Septembre, Je Vous Aimais.

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This month is now drawing to a close,
and I have been replaying Green Day’s song on my mind all day long.
Wake me up when September ends?
Who is going to wake me up?
No one but myself.
This month has a fair blend of the good and the bad.
And I can’t wait to say goodbye.
Goodbye, I never met you.
Goodbye, you are nothing to me.
Goodbye, you made me happy for a while.
Goodbye, you’ve brought me more pain than I thought you would.
Goodbye, you are nothing but a memory now.
Goodbye, I loved you.
Adieu, je vous aimais.

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Almost.

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I don’t know what happened.
I could have given him the world if he wanted me to.
Wait.
He was my world.
Almost.

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Arguments


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“Will you please stop doing that?!” I yelled at him over the phone.

“Doing what?” he asked as if he suddenly forgot what we were talking about.

“Spending money on things you don’t need. I thought we were saving up?”

“I am. I have been saving up. I just…I just…” he started thinking of an excuse.

“You just what? You can’t help it?” I could feel my blood boiling in anger.

“I really want that game,” there he said it. Games. Games. Games. He’s always about those games.

“I thought you said we should not focus on the things we want? …That we should just focus on the things we need?” I asked furiously.

“Yes. I know. But guess what?”

“What?”

” I don’t need you…but I want you. What are we gonna do about that?”

…and right then and there, all hell broke loose.

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Note: This is just a fictional scene. I promise. 😀 It did not happen in real life, but it could.

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Lost Memories

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I could feel the veins in my heart slightly disintegrating. My blood continues to flow through its pores although the small cracks that bring me constant pain have been frozen by your cold voice the last time I have heard you whisper my name in the dark.

I try to ignore the unending thunderstorm inside my head, reminding me how deadly you really are to me. I must admit I have forgotten you so many times because I have been trying to erase any memories of you in my mind. But when I hear people laughing, and seeing them hold hands as they walk along this ruthless world, all the lost memories start coming back like a set of cameras flashing ceaselessly, and blinding my eyes. Then I get reminded of how much I am hurting and how much I am longing for you.

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Nights Like This

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I let myself sink into the covers until it enveloped my tired body. I wish it were your arms that wrapped around me, squeezing my skin so tightly until my flesh started to burn. Since the very start, you knew I had trouble sleeping alone. I even hated keeping the lights on, yet I couldn’t get myself to turn it off. For when the light would start fading away, I could feel the darkness slowly creeping in and crawling towards me, mocking me to whisper a small prayer.

I dread nights like this…Nights when you aren’t here…Nights when you are supposed to be lying here with me. Nights when all I want to do is to stimulate your thoughts with my weird ideas of you…of us. Nights like this make me crave you more and more. Why can’t you be with me? I do want to understand.

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Pride

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“You never had my heart,” he said firmly as she turned around and forced a smile. “I couldn’t care less,” was all she replied. He bit his lower lip, and regretted what he said.

She had always had his heart. He was just too scared and embarrassed to admit she had already broken it the moment he fell for her.

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There He Goes

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“I will never change my mind. There’s nothing you can do,” you said as you made another step away from me. You were right. I couldn’t do anything. All I could do was stare at my feet as tears streamed down my face. How could you not show any signs of anger, when you couldn’t give me another chance? 

There he goes. There goes another one. Another one got away. 

I wanted to hold your hand and look into your eyes. I wanted you to be the one to tell me to finally let go. I wanted to hear it from you. If you were going to break my heart, I’d want you to tear me apart in the worst way possible. But then, I couldn’t move a muscle. I just stood there as you walked further.

There he goes. There goes another one. Another one got away.

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Shitsubou

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When you’re starting a new day

and you’re laughing with your new friend

you’d feel a stinging sensation deep within your heart 

something you thought you have already forgotten

then you’d feel your soul begin to ascend

you’d look for her and ring her again

just like the other days when you asked for her hand

and she’d say no over and over again

Why couldn’t you see?

she was not trying to pretend

so many times you try to make amends

but it was your voice she just couldn’t stand.

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