I Love You, Goodbye

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A post about one of the struggles of being in an LDR, written by Kat Fabronero for Toast&Tea

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They say that when you love someone you have to set them free. Today—or rather, in a few days time—I shall set him free.

I had always wondered what happened months ago when he had changed — what made him change. He was no longer the person I knew during those first few months into the relationship. It was a sign, perhaps, that this LDR journey would not last but I refused to acknowledge it.

I said yes when he proposed albeit informally; I wanted him in my life. I continued to persevere and placed my all into making it work even if time and again, he casually shrugged off all of my efforts. He was crass, insensitive, regardless of my feelings for him. What should’ve been the wake-up call for me months ago should’ve been the end of everything.

But I loved him and I was willing to tolerate that slight.

Heart still in tatters, I moved on, telling myself that I should be understanding, more forgiving, more thankful that he and I still communicate despite the red lights flashing. He was no longer interested in me as person…just my looks, it seems.

I still held on.

It was a decision that was influenced by his surprise video calls and unexpected serenades. I would instantly melt, for crying out loud! However, our texts and communication grew more and more scarce, with me always initiating a “conversation” inquiring how his side of the world was doing.

I never got a response right away even every time I saw that he was online. Mostly, he would reply the day after but with only a few words. I tried to give him a day or two for him to try initiate a talk with me but it didn’t work. It broke my heart to see this relationship crumbling into bits. But like a person in love, I still held on despite signs telling me the opposite.

I should’ve let him go when we had turned one, and he mocked my efforts to greet him. Prior to that, I sent him pictures of me making a countdown to our special day. On the day of our first anniversary, I had sacrificed sleep to buy mini cupcakes that spelled the words “I love you”. I was hoping for a Skype call—even if it would just be for 5 minutes. Yet, the celebration I was hoping for did not happen. To top it off, he just laughed at the photo of the mini cupcakes. It was like being slapped in the face.

I realized that I was not a priority. I was never a priority. I was not in his priority list.

He made that clear when I asked him what he envisions himself 5 years from now. In that vision, I wasn’t in it despite what we had discussed in those early days. In his life, I did not exist. No one knew of my existence.

Here I was, shouting to the world that he’s my man, but I…I was but a shadow in his.

I’ve had enough.

I’m tired of all the chasing. My heart is exhausted from breaking apart time and again. My heart could only tolerate so much.

Even if it pains me to do so, even if it hurts I have to let this go.

Let him go. For his sake.

For my sake.

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Kat Fabronero is a registered nurse, frustrated creative writer, food addict, bookworm, and the author of The Fat Kat. She is  passionate about British history, and she loves to play video games.

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Got any comments or advice? Just comment below. Thank you! 🙂

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Thank You and Goodbye

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A poem written by Kristine Pineda for Toast&Tea

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I’d be lying if I told you, I didn’t love you
I’d be lying if I told you, I hated you
You were my one great love
that I asked from above.

I’d be lying if I told you, I stopped thinking of you
And I’d be lying if I told you, I don’t miss you
You still cross my mind
Our memories — good and bad, combined.

I thought I would be okay
Until I caught myself staring at the bay
I am getting weak and this is wrong
Wish I could be strong.

I wish I could erase all the memories
That turned instantly into tears
You’re one of the best
But you turned out to be just a guest.

In a heart I own
In these lips that is always on frown
You made these little mouth smile
From the love we had from a thousand mile.

Now I’m saying goodbye
And I wish I could fake the smile in my eye
But one has to walk away
And go on every single day.

I thank you for the smiles
We have shared even from the miles
Hoping this will be the last
And for us to heal fast.

As I write this, I wish you nothing but the best
And just let our hearts take a rest
As I say goodbye to someone
that I don’t want to be addressed.

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Kristine Pineda is a twenty-five year-old Filipina living in New Jersey. She is the author of The Blank PolaroidsShe loves photography, writing short poems and short notes about love and life. 

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