I create my own problems.
I’ve known this fact about me for a very long time now. When everything goes the way I want it to, I find a way to create a problem and dwell on it until it’s gone.
The weather has been extremely bad during the past few days. Sometimes it is too hot. Sometimes it is too cold. Sometimes it rains so heavily, sometimes it is too sunny. These changes in the weather apparently affects me a lot. I have noticed some drastic changes in the way I think, act and behave.
How many times have I complained about the cold lately? Too many.
It’s too cold. I am freezing.
I have said this too many times to everyone around me. I have even sent it as a message to the people close to me.
You’re freezing? That’s odd. You’ve never felt too cold before.
My best friend replied, reminding me about how I dress. She is right. Usually, I never really feel the cold even in zero-degree places. I am accustomed to dressing light, and even when it is freezing outside, I still wear short dresses, high-waist shorts and sleeveless tops.
Maybe it’s just your heart.
She replied one more time. This line hit me right both in the head and in my heart.
Maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s just my heart and my mind battling with reality. It’s so cold, yes, literally…that is right, but it is not the weather that really makes me feel so cold.
There’s winter in my heart…
And my mind is trying to find a way to battle it. I need fire to counteract it.
I need love…
But I don’t want it.
I don’t want love because when I start wanting it, I keep giving it all without expecting anything in return. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to make memories because I know that these memories will leave me haunted when the love is gone.
And so right at this moment, I may be destroying my chance of being loved.
I don’t want to create memories with anyone. I am scared of vulnerability. I have been in that state too many times before. The more I spend time with someone I really like, the more I fall into the abyss of loving that person, and the more that my desire for his/her love and all of his/her attention grows, and the least thing I want right now is for that person to feel suffocated. And so, I keep trying to push anyone away. Today, I may not want to talk to you or spend time with you, and then tomorrow, I may find myself annoying you with my “heys”, and asking for your love and attention.
It is too cold. Maybe you can give me your love to warm me up.