When I Asked You If You Loved Me

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by Diana Marcos

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When I asked you if you loved me,
you turned your back and refused to face me
“Of course, I do,” that was what you said
But I never knew what was going on in your head.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I was hoping you would say the words immediately
But you just smiled at me with your captivating caramel eyes
And I could not decipher whether or not they were just expressing lies.

When I asked you if you loved me,
you walked a few steps away from me,
You looked at me with disappointment
When all I wanted was acknowledgement.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I was confused with the response you gave me
You planted a kiss on top of my head
You squeezed my body under the sheets in your bed.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I asked not because I believed you didn’t
I knew you did, but I wanted to be reminded
But all you believed in was that you weren’t trusted.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I didn’t foresee that you would leave me,
With all the happy memories you had shared with me
I never knew you had the capacity to forget me that quickly.

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II Senses VII: Coffee Shop

And I will remember youeverywhere I go —

Your taste, your scent.

Your breath, your lips

pressed on my neck.

Your touch, your stare

will forever linger in the air.

A memory of you

A memory of me right next to you.

A memory of us sitting silently

in a coffee shop.

Not talking to each other,

but holding each other’s hands

Savoring every moment

Without saying a single word.

Just you.

Just us.

Just you and I.

Work in Progress

I am not a work of art, but I am a work in progress.

You may see the slight curve of my lips exposing my almost-perfect teeth on my face or the twinkling of my eyes when you stare at me and how my cheeks swell up due to the way you make me feel, but you will never see what I try to hide within the restraints of my own physical body. It is continuously burning, melting, yearning for your love, understanding and acceptance — something you have difficulty to offer.

I barricaded my heart with the memories of you, of us, of the moments we shared together. You may call me silly for always hoping and wishing that someday, somewhere down the road, our paths will cross once again, and you will sweep me off my feet and take me back into your arms…where you lead me to bed just to lay down with me for hours…just to feel my body pressed against yours, just to squeeze my little body even when I cannot breathe so you can be sure I am not going anywhere.

And I didn’t go anywhere.

Because you left me.

And that’s okay.

II Senses VI: Cold Sheets

 

An empty bed found under cold sheets

the comfort I feel

does not compare to what you give me

when you lay underneath.

A heart is frozen

within these covers,

and only you can make it warm

with your presence

and the love you shower.

A heart is lonely

inside its parameters,

and only you can heat up

the ice that numbs it

and stops  it from beating.

If these sheets could talk

I would ask them to tell you

how much I long for you

to touch every inch

of me.

If only these sheets could walk,

I want them to go straight

to where you are

so you could feel

me within your arms.

Once again,

my love.

Only for tonight.

 

Start to End

There is nothing more

I can say to you

than to tell you how much

I am proud of you.

You make me happy

But can’t you see?

We’re not meant to be

Everything is just too much for me.

I’d like to continue

Whatever we have

But I don’t know where to start

nor I know where to end.

If it’s going to end

I better start now

I’m sorry, my love

But I gotta do it somehow.

II Senses IV: Say My Name

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Say my name out loud
until you forget
all the other people
who have ever felt
your heart
through your skin,
and heard your thoughts
through your screams;
just say my name
and I will be in your dreams.

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II Senses III: Never Hold Back

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Put your hands
on my chest,
dig your nails
and crush my legs,
feel my clavicle
then leave a trace,
curse my name
with so much grace
Always remember
you are my thunder —
you can get mad
and you can get loud,
you can attack,
just never hold back.

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Open Letter: Just Let Them Go

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How many times have you blamed yourself for whatever happened to people you used to care about? Has this helped you feel better in any way? I sure am not. Hence, instead of constantly blaming yourself for a failed relationship or friendship, it would be better for you to just let go. Let go of people. Let go of yourself. Let go of your feelings. But when do you know it is time to let go and which people do you need to disassociate yourself with?

WHO TO LET GO

01 That person who ONLY talks to you when s/he needs something from you.

Sometimes you meet someone and at first, things go really well between the two of you…until you notice that you have started talking to each other less and less. And one day, this person comes to you and asks you for help. Of course, being the good person that you are, you will help him/her, and s/he goes on with his/her life once again.

02 That person who only talks about himself/herself.

This person does not ask about you after you ask her how his/her day has been. This is the person who does not ask for your opinion or reaction right after s/he shares his/hers and would go on talking until s/he can’t say anything anymore.

03 That person who only listens so s/he could talk, or that friend who doesn’t listen at all.

Yes, s/he listens to you, but only because s/he wants to say something about it. Sometimes, s/he even pretends to listen and becomes impatient and hurry you up, so s/he could finally share his/her thoughts.

04 That person who only sees you as a rebound friend, manipulates you and guilt-trips you.

S/he only knows you when his/her other friends are not around,and s/he tries to manipulate you to get what s/he wants. S/he constantly asks for your attention when  no one is giving it to him/her, and would guilt-trip you when s/he is not getting anything from you.

05 That person who only remembers you during the bad times.

I mean…it is very nice to think that someone remembers you during their bad days, but if they are only there with you because they know you would help them feel better, is that still a good thing? Definitely not. This person would surely forget you exist once their bad days are over.

06 That person who only sees your bad qualities and does not recognize the good things you have done.

There are people who always see the best in you, while there are also some who only remember you for your bad qualities. Everyone has their own dark side, but if a person only sees the bad in you, and does not recognize that you also have good qualities, then you will just spend your life trying to figure out why this person does not see you the way others do.

07 That person whose behavior changes according to people s/he is with.

We cannot avoid meeting and interacting with someone whose behavioral acts differ according to the people they are with. One time, they are so good around you, and the next time they are with another group of people, they change, and they treat you a bit differently.

08 That person who forgets to invite you.

There is nothing more painful than not being invited to a party, an outing, an event or even to dinner by someone you expect to be your friend. It makes you feel like you are just an option and your presence does notreally matter that much.

09 That person who doesn’t bother to call when you are sick or when you are in a terrible situation.

This person wouldn’t dare to call because s/he doesn’t care whether or not you are coping up well or not.

10 That person who does not care whether or not you let go of him/her.

It is hard to accept, but there are people who do not see our importance in their lives. If you do not matter to someone, then s/he wouldn’t care whether or not you stay or leave.

At first, you will of course try your best to work things out, but if it doesn’t work out and you’re the only one trying to make an effort, then have a little respect for yourself and open your eyes to the fact that it is not going to work out anymore.

Letting go of these kinds of people are sometimes the best thing one can do. It may make you look selfish and insensitive, but you have to remember that before you have to offer your love and trust to people, you have to trust and love youself first. You have to focus on what makes you happy, and remember not to give everything, as it may just cause you pain in the long run.

Don’t ever blame yourself for a failed relationship. Don’t be so hard on yourself. People come and go, and it isn’t your fault. Sometimes people have to leave because it is for the best.

When your relationship or your friendship is no longer growing, but is slowly going down the drain instead, and you can no longer do anything to work it out, letting go is sometimes the better option than staying and letting the relationship ruin each of you.

When you decide to let go of the people that once meant so much to you, sometimes you won’t help but feel guilty. You feel guilty for letting things get in the way. You’d also probably feel like a loser because you are choosing to give up.

But no…giving up doesn’t always make you a loser. It makes you a winner because you have the courage and strength to let go of something that was very important to you, but doesn’t see your importance.

You have to remember that you are one special piece of snowflake, and you, just like everyone else, deserve better.

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Open Letter to the One I Fought For: She Was Wrong About Us

Four months ago, somebody told me I will never be happy and content with my life if I don’t change, and that I will never be able to find anyone who will love me for what and who I am. Somebody told me I am not mature enough, and that I need to grow up and learn to love myself first before I offer my love to someone else.

Nobody told me that you were gonna come and prove that person how wrong it was to judge me like that. You came into the picture, and I never stopped smiling since then.

Up until now, you try your best to make me happy. I know that it frustrates you sometimes as I have sporadic moodiness, yet you never give up.

You make me feel better about myself. You help me grow, and you boost my confidence in a really good way.

For the first time in my life, I am content, and I couldn’t ask for more. You are giving me your love while I am still trying to learn how to love myself.

I can no longer count the many times you have to put up with my complicated attitude. You know I could be handful, but you still see the best in me.

For all these things you do for me, I am truly grateful. I must have done something great in my past life that is making me worthy of having you in my life.

I appreciate every little thing you do — all the forehead kisses, the small talks and the deep conversations, when you let me sleep on your arm, when you put your hands on my back, when you listen to me talk about what bothers me or what makes me anxious, for tolerating my dramatic moments and for knowing when to call me out.

Thank you.
Thank you for making me happy.
Thank you for inspiring me and for motivating me every day.
Thank you for being my light.
I can never be more proud of you.

If I ever come across that somebody who has made me feel bad about myself, I’d be so happy to tell her how wrong she was in so many levels.

She was wrong when she said that I have problems when it comes to choosing the people who I let into my life. Maybe I did when I let her affect and influence me.

She was wrong when she made it sound like it was not a good thing to make friends with people I am not sure I will ever have a chance to meet. Making friends is not just about trying to meet them in person. Making friends is about connection. It is about being able to relate to one another without the need to actually physically be together.

She was wrong when she said I am selfish and I only think about myself. Maybe I am selfish, but only to people who do not deserve my selflessness. Maybe I only think about myself, but why not? I have to learn how to love myself first to be able to love others, didn’t she say that?

She was wrong when she thought I can never be fully content in a relationship because I am still immature. My level of maturity does not measure my contentment. I have to admit I am not fully grown up yet. I am still in my early twenties, and I still have so many things to learn. Why am I being judged for that?

She was wrong in so many ways, and it is really funny how the people who judge us are the ones who barely know anything about us.

She was wrong when she said you were going to break my heart. She said you were not going to last long. She was wrong, and I am grateful because you turned out to be the right one…the right one for me.

And once again, I am very thankful we have found each other. I am very grateful for having you in my life and for not letting her keep me from finding out how amazing you truly are. Thank you for coming, and for helping me realize that toxic people like her actually exist and the best thing we can do is to avoid them.

Thank you for instilling peace and optimism in my heart, mind and soul, for helping me see the light, and for making me realize that sometimes we need someone like her so we could learn how to be extra cautious when meeting people.

Thank you because now, I have the courage to tell everyone how wrong she was about me, about you…about us.

The least thing we need in our lives are people who overanalyze every thing we do and easily misjudge who we are. Now I understand why we have to stay away from people who make us feel bad about ourselves.

Never let a single person dictate who we are because there are other people out there who continuously believe in us. We, ourselves, are the ones who define who we really are.

Ephemeral

Roses never die;

they wither

like the ephemeral thoughts

I have about you

and the useless

feelings you have

for me.

Enamorarse

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Enamorada —
I am a woman in love —
in love with so many things:
the moon
the sun
the stars that make up
the galaxies
the constellations
the universe.
I am in love
with the beauty of life —
the evening air
the breeze that comes
from the waves in the ocean
the mist, the cold
the droplets of excess water
that fall down
from the leaves of pine trees.
I am in love
with the way the sun
burns my skin
in the summer,
with the sound
of birds singing above
the imaginary wires that
connect me to you,
with the smell
of freshly-cut roses.
I am in love
with music,
with movements,
with people
with you
I am a woman in love —
For you, enamorado
I will always be.

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II Senses II: Craving

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I crave for
a love
I have never
felt before;
for a smile
no one
could ever ignore;
for a touch
only your
hands could
make;
for warm,
tight squeezes
for goodnight kisses
for morning greetings
for your body
pressed
against my back
every sunset
every sunrise
I crave
for you to crave
for me
the way plants
crave for sunlight
during rainy season
the way nightwalkers
wait for the sun
to move down
the horizon
during the
summer solstice —
strong,
impatient,
vulnerable,
yet intense.

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All That I’ve Got

I need something else

Would someone please just give me

Hit me, knock me out

And let me go back to sleep

— All That I’ve Got – The Used
My mornings usually start with looking at my phone and finding a message from my sister, and my nights usually end with another message from her reminding me how much she loves and misses me. She does this even at times I don’t get a chance to respond to her.

I have always thought that my sister is the most misunderstood member in our family. Our dad’s family has always seen her as the black sheep, psycho granddaughter, niece, daughter, cousin and sister. They think of her as someone who shouldn’t be imitated, despite the praises they give her for being so smart in school.

I remember them reminding me not to be like her. I remember myself reassuring them I won’t, although in my mind, I know that my sister is the best and I am very proud of her.

I could not blame our relatives for calling her a black sheep and for seeing her that way. She has always been the one who goes against rules when she knows that these rules violate her right as a person. I think I may have gotten that attitude from her.

My sister has a personality disorder, and she has been through a lot of traumatic events in her life. She has suffered more than I have, yet she remains to be my strength. I couldn’t be any more proud of having her as my sister. I get anxious and really depressed every single second but every time she tells me she loves me, I feel a whole lot better.

It’s a little bit funny because I know how often she gets depressed, yet she always seems so happy every time she texts me or calls me on the phone. In fact, she always sounds so cheerful and enthusiastic. I admire her ability to cover what she really feels deep inside her. I know her too well. I know she has negative thoughts and that she has still been fighting off her demons. She is doing a really good job in hiding it.

I have to admit that behind these self-strength posts I always write is an anxious and depressive woman who continuously tries to battle all the things that makes her feel bad about herself.

Every day, just like what my sister does, I do my best to be the better version of myself. I try to smile, to laugh, and to think of myself as a strong person. Sometimes I fail, but every time I do, I think of my sister and remember how she, herself, has done her best to be better, to think positively and to be happy despite every thing.

I know that we’re not perfect. We make stupid mistakes, but these mistakes help us learn and grow day by day. My sister doesn’t have to remind me to learn from her, but I do remember how she never lets her past hinder her from being the amazing person that she is.

Sometimes, we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes, we learn from others. Sometimes, we grow on our own. Sometimes, we grow with others. ❤️

I’ll be just fine

Pretending I’m not

I’m far from lonely

And it’s all that I’ve got.

Beauty in Her Eyes

She looked at her dress

the way a little girl stared at a popsicle;

Amazed by its color and beauty, 

unaware of her own magnificence.

Five Non-Physical Things One Needs to Get Rid of As A Minimalist

I just disposed my no-longer-working computer today. It has served me great seven years, and I am glad I have maximized its use really well. As I type these words on my aunt’s computer, Pretty Girl is showing on the TV, and I am sitting down with a cup of decaffeinated coffee in my left hand, my legs fully covered in the long skirt my grandmother gave me earlier today. It is a long flowy skirt that covers the entire half-bottom part of my body. I could sleep in it tonight, and not need a blanket or a comforter. While half of my body is fully covered, I only have a bandeau wrapped around my chest. Isn’t it ironic? Well, I like ironic. Ironic is me. I breathe it. I live in it.

While I have been trying to decrease the amount of physical things (mostly clothes) I have, I still couldn’t refuse people when they gift me stuff I think I don’t necessarily need. I still have the loot bag full of goodies my former colleagues gave me when I left my full-time job last month. I haven’t really checked them out yet in fear of just making a clutter around my room.

I tried to write down a few things I need to get rid of today, and while I was having an existential contemplation, I realized that it wasn’t only the material things I have that I need to remove from my life. We also need to cut down on those things that are not obvious to the naked eye.

Five Non-Physical Things You Need to Get Rid Of

01 Pessimism/Negative Vibration

As a minimalist, I think that the very first thing you have to do is to keep an open mind. Hence, it is very important to get rid of all the negativities you have.

I have to admit I have been failing at this area, so I need to think more positively so I could effectively maintain a minimalist life.

02 Worries/Anxieties

The things you worry or get anxious about will only cause you stress, and when you get stressed out, you will surely not be able to carry out things you have to do.

As a very anxious person, I find this very difficult to accomplish. I do, however, try to keep a positive mind, so I know I can do this no matter how hard it is.

03 People

A friend of mine who is also a minimalist explained to me the importance of keeping some people out of your circle. While it is important to meet people, socialize and grow your network, it is also important that those who are in your circle are only those who actually matter.

Sometimes we meet people and we can’t immediately tell whether or not they’re actually who we think they are. Those people who matter are usually those who you think you can be comfortable being with, those you trust and those who trust and respect you back, those who appreciate you and accept you for who you are, and those who love you unconditionally.

04 Bad Attitude/Compulsive Behavior

The one thing that keeps us from people who have naturally good intention for us is a bad attitude and a compulsive behavior. This is because it scares away people, and you may lose the chance of meeting people who will actually serve good purpose in your life.

05 Anger

I think that staying angry at people who have done you wrong, or just being mad for no reason is useless. It will just slow you down.

To be able to get rid of this, you have to try and push yourself to forgive even when you think you will never be able to forget about it.

These are just some of the things I think are very important to focus on, and get rid of as a minimalist. Sometimes we pay more attention to physical things so much so that we overlook and forget the things that we also need to consider.

What non-physical things do you think should be added here? Let me know on the comment section below! ❤️

II Senses I: Landmark

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the city I want to
build my empire in,
I want to own you;
to possess you;
to dig my nails in you,
I want to learn
every bits and pieces
that make up
your entire existence,
I want to plant
my future in you
In your soiled body
In your concrete heart
I would lay my hands
in every part of you
You who make my soul rejoice
You who make my body convulse
with the fact that you —
You are my favorite landmark —
a landmark I yearn for
every single split second;
A place I will always
go back to.

Note: This is Chapter II of my Senses poetry series. I hope you enjoyed it! ❤🌻

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Love at First Fight

It wasn’t love at first sight. In fact, it was love at first fight. It started with me calling him gay because of his knee–high socks, and asking him where he bought his beard. He pissed me off to a point that I gathered all of my strength and courage to personally confront him through a private conversation.

Me: Are you crazy?
Him: *confused*

We sorted things out and settled it, but the butterflies didn’t appear just yet. To me, he was the most annoying person I’ve ever met. To him, I was just another girl attempting to catch his attention by throwing a fit at him, even though in reality, I wasn’t.

I was still in the process of healing at the time he came into my life. I had ended a long-time and unhealthy relationship, and even though it had already been months since that happened, I was still trying to slowly get back on my feet.

I had to admit, I didn’t have any intentions to feel something for him. He was out of my league. He was someone I didn’t want to surround myself with, but every time I tried to stay away, he still found his way into my life.

My previous relationship was a sad one. It was unhealthy for me. I was with someone who was dealing with emotional and mental problems, and didn’t make any extra effort to actually make our relationship work. Although I tried my best to understand, it came to a point when all the strength I had for this person was nowhere to be found anymore. I was guilt-tripped and manipulated, and it took me a long time to realize it.

And that may be one of the reasons I tried to push him away. I was scared of falling and being in a relationship again. I thought I wasn’t ready to get emotionally attached with anyone. Besides, it was too good to be true. He was too nice to me. No matter how mean I got to him, he still remained good to me. And because of that, I slowly and surely fell again.

The very first time I saw him, I felt my heart drop down my intestines to my uterus, and then to my feet. I ate every negative word I said to him. He became the very first person that made me literally whisper “carpe diem”, syllable by syllable in the open air.

I fell in love with the goodness of his heart. His willingness and his presistence helped me replace my dark, tired heart with a brighter, new one.

I fell in love with the beauty of his sound. His voice, his music — the very first time I listened to it, I felt electricity running through my veins. I was ecstatic. I’ve always admired musically inclined people.

Even his laugh sounded like music to my ears. I could listen to him and stare at his beautiful face all day, and not get tired of it even though he made it clear to me that staring at him would make him feel uncomfortable. He never knew I had always liked making him feel that way.

I fell in love with the warmth of his body. I have always been cold, and out of all the people I’ve met, his touch is the warmest.

I fell in love with all the smallest things he did. I have always been the simple girl in town. Although I could try to be luxurious in so many things, I never did. Simplicity has always been my kind of thing; and when I saw how simple he could be, I felt my lips slowly curved in an upward motion.

I fell in love with his generosity and his willingness to extend his hands. He showed me a differend kind of generosity — the most outstanding kind. He had never made me feel alone. There may have been times when I did feel like no one could ever understand me, but I saw how hard he tried to be there.

I fell in love with him, and I would fall in love with him over and over again.

My love for him is so much different from the love I used to give to people. I love annoying him. I love contradicting him. I love saying the opposite thing when he tells me something. I love being mean to him. I love making things hard and complicated for him. I give him my worst attitude, and sometimes, I say the most stupid things to him; yet every time I do it, he never seems to take it seriously and I am thankful of how patient and good he is.

I may be very lucky to have him as I have never felt happier ever since I met him. It’s crazy how the Universe conspires against you sometimes. It gives you something when you don’t want it…and then you will learn to accept it and realize you actually want it.

It wasn’t love at first sight, but it is the kind of love that’s going to last until I lose my sight.

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Fifteen Signs Your Best Friend is the Ultimate Best

There is no perfect way to be a friend. I know because I admit that I am not the most perfect friend, and I may not be the most ideal best friend to anyone.

There are moments in my life when I feel like making friends with everyone I meet, but then I get hesitant about it in fear of not being able to deliver what is expected from me.

I have been thinking about it lately. This may be one of the things that happen when you are out of work for a while. You get to have more time to think of things that didn’t concern you before.

It’s important to have lots of friends, so you will never have to worry about missing out or not being able to keep track of your social life. However, sometimes it can be a bit frustrating, especially when you cannot really distinguish who your actual friends are, and who are just keeping you for their own social benefits. Not all your acquaintances are your friends, and not all the people you call your best friends actually see you the same way. It is something I have learned the hard way.

Let’s say you have a total of 150 personal friends. These friends are the ones you met at the playground when you were younger, in school when you were studying, at work or anywhere in the globe. These are the people you have had actual human interactions with.

Let’s say you have a total of 4,000 Facebook friends, and 11,000 Instagram and Twitter followers. Ten of these people are the ones you consider your best friends, including your mom and dad.

You have the fluctuating amount of people that will ensure you a lifetime of social interaction. Out of the thousands of people you have in your life, there are only three to five people (your family not included) who treat you a bit more differently than an ordinary friend does. These people are your best friends, and it is very important that you recognize these people for keeping you on the loop.

I have to say I am very thankful that I am blessed with the bestest best friends ever. I’ve had so many people I’ve considered my best friends before but things don’t always work out, and it’s alright. Things like that happen because they let us learn and they lead us to the right path.

Fifteen Signs Your Best Friend is Actually the Ultimate Best

01 You have an extraordinary cerebrum connection.

With just one look, you already know what each of you is thinking. So many times you even say the same exact words at the same time because it seems as though your brains are connected.

02 S/he knows what you like and dislike without you having to say it.

S/he pays attention to everything you do and say, and you won’t even notice it. S/he takes mental notes of it, and remembers the things that you like and dislike.

03 S/he understands your mood swings.

Everyone has mood swings, regardless of gender. Your ultimate best friend will understand when you suddenly or randomly lash out at him/her for no reason. S/he knows when you’re just having a bad day, and s/he tries to make you feel better by distracting you and making you forget of what has been causing your moodiness.

04 S/he is as crazy as you.

If you have sporadic mood swings, s/he does, too. And just like him/her, you understand it. Sometimes s/he does and makes you do crazy things, and vice versa. It’s both his/her and your craziness that connects the two of you.

05 S/he constantly annoys you.

Your ultimate best friend is imperfect. S/he doesn’t always make you smile. Sometimes s/he also annoys and bugs you. As his/her ultimate best friend, this doesn’t really bother you at all. Even when s/he keeps distracting you or teasing you at times you don’t need it, you still smile because you know that s/he is just vying for your attention.

06 S/he could be a bit childish.

Even a mature person could be a little bit childish sometimes. When s/he feels like you are starting to forget his/her existence, s/he pretends to throw a fit and makes you feel bad for not giving him/her attention.

07 S/he pretends to be high maintenance, but s/he actually isn’t.

Sometimes s/he makes you feel like s/he is being high maintenance, but she actually isn’t. S/he knows that if you really see him/her as your best friend, s/he doesn’t need to be high maintenance. S/he doesn’t need to be constantly talking to you because s/he knows that you have other priorities, and s/he does, too.

08 S/he cares a lot about you, and knows when something is wrong.

Even when you’re not saying it, s/he could feel when something is wrong. S/he knows you very well that s/he could easily detect when something is disturbing you, or when you don’t feel okay. S/he would annoyingly ask you about it, and won’t stop until you say it.

09 S/he knows when to stay and when to leave you alone.

S/he understands that you need some space sometimes, and so s/he gives you time to think and reflect on your own. However, s/he also knows when to stay even when you insist on being alone. Sometimes s/he knows that when you ask him/her to go, you actually want him/her to stay.

10 S/he doesn’t give up on you.

No matter how many times you put him/her off, and no matter how hard you try to push him/her away, s/he still stays with you and doesn’t leave you behind. S/he knows and understands that sometimes you get depressed and anxious, and all you really need is someone who will never give up on you.

11 S/he doesn’t get insecure, and she doesn’t compete with you.

S/he knows that you and him/her have special characteristics, skills and abilities. S/he doesn’t get insecure or jealous of you, because s/he also knows s/he is special. S/he never tries to compete with you. Maybe sometimes, but it is only so you could both laugh at how crazy you both are for thinking you could compete with each other. Sometimes you will find yourselves telling each other who is better, but end up saying that no one is better than the other, and that you’re actually better together.

12 S/he supports you, and is always proud of you.

Whatever happens, s/he makes it a point to always support you. S/he tells you how happy s/he is for you when something great happens. Sometimes s/he is too proud of you that s/he cannot help but tell the world how amazing you are.

13 S/he shares everything with you for as much as she could.

It could be food, bed and every little secret s/he has. Everything she has could be yours because s/he is confident that you would do the same for him/her. S/he trusts you, and s/he would share anything for as much as s/he has it.

14 S/he sees the best in you.

At times you don’t see anything good about yourself, s/he is there to let you know how amazing you are. S/he sees the best in you, and no matter how many times you feel low, s/he will never think negatively of you.

15 S/he loves you more than you will ever know.

Even when you’re far apart, s/he makes sure that you never forget how much s/he loves you. Even when you don’t talk to each other for a while because you are both busy, when you finally get to talk, it will feel like nothing has changed. The conversation you had last week or last month would feel like it was just yesterday. Sometimes s/he forgets to tell you s/he loves you because s/he’s only human, but you know that s/he does love you, and no words are needed for you to get reminded of it.

This list is pretty subjective, and I only base it on my own experience. Like I said, there is no perfect way to be a friend or a best friend. Your best friend may not have all of these signs, but it does not make them less of a friend. It also does not mean that your best friend is the only one who does these things. Friendship and any relationships is a two-way street, and it requires the people involve to have a reciprocating and harmonious connection.

So I also came up with this:

One Sign You Are the Ultimate Best Friend to Your Ultimate Best Friend

You subconsciously exhibit all of these signs.

A Little Thought on Commitment

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Sometimes people do not want to commit to you regardless of how much they like you or how good you make them feel.

Sometimes they just suddenly stay away from you or stop loving you further to save themselves from vulnerability. It is simply a selfish and nonsensical reason.

Does the inability to commit yourself to someone you like affect your maturity when it comes to relationships? I am not sure; but I do know that when people cannot commit themselves yet, it reflects their willingness and preparedness to take risks.

They.

Are.

Not.

Yet.

Ready.

When they think they aren’t ready yet, when will they be?

“In time,” they may say.

“In time” may take forever.

When you fall, it just happens. You cannot plan nor set a schedule for it.

It is okay to allow yourself to feel vulnerable sometimes. It shows that you can feel something. It shows that you can feel pain, and that you’re human. It is okay to have someone to make you feel that way. You can love, and you shouldn’t stop yourself from feeling it.

And if someone decides to stay away from you, or stops loving you further because of reasons unknown, it isn’t going to be your fault.

Continue being adorable. You are an awesome-azingly beautiful human being. ❤

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A Letter to Myself and to Everyone Out There

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Dear you!

You are my lover, my friend, my family. You are myself, and you are my everything. When everyone else leaves, you are all I have left.

It breaks my heart to see how much you have been struggling with work and your relationship with people lately. I know how hard it could be to be in your shoes, and what gives me more pain is the fact that you think no one can be there for you when you need someone to talk to; and it is sad to know how often you give in to your anxiety every single time..

But this I say to you…

You will be okay.

I believe in your abilities to make yourself feel better on your own. You have lived through the years and you get by every day. I know sometimes you feel like ending all of your problems permanently, but you still choose to live and to love yourself every single day. That is just one proof of how strong you are.

You are strong. You will get through anything.

I know you often think no one will ever love you truthfully. I beg to disagree. Even right from the start, you already have many people adoring and loving you even from afar. I know you think that you would rather be alone than having people around you make you feel isolated.

Do not be scared to burn bridges. Do not be afraid of letting people go. Not everyone you love actually deserves your love; and no matter what negative things they say about you, I want you to stand your ground, and always think of your happiness first. You are allowed to give up on others just as long as you do not give up on yourself.

Do not settle for anyone who makes you question your morals, your values, especially your worth. You know your worth, and you know what makes you genuinely happy. Do not ever compromise your worth and happiness for anyone.

I know, for sure, that one day, someone will come along. S/he will make you feel the love you have been longing to have all over again. Don’t ever hold yourself back the way you did before. Just because you have failed in love so many times in the past doesn’t mean you can never allow yourself to fall again. Just because you have been hurt doesn’t mean you will experience the same exact pain you had.

I want you to never let anyone, not even the people you love the most, affect you so much that you lose control of yourself. Do not let people, the Church and the entire society dictate who you are and who you should be. You have lived without asking major help from anyone because you have always been responsible for yourself. You know what is right and what is wrong.

I know that you commit mistakes and that is inevitable. You are just a human, after all. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop feeling like all you do is wrong. Remember the lessons you always learn from committing your mistakes, and never regret the things you actually wanted to do.

I want you to always fight for what you think is right. Never complain without figuring out whether or not you are in the right position to do so. I want you to open your heart and listen to the people around you without immediately judging them. I want you to be critical all the time without taking away other people’s rights to defend themselves.

I want you to keep being strong, to keep living, to keep doing what you love to do. You are still young, and there are still lots of good things out there waiting for you to notice.

I want you to smile. I want you to give love without asking it back. I want your heart to remain pure.

You will be okay.

You are strong. You will get through anything.

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Be The Amazing Person You Have Always Been

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Be the amazing person you have always been. It is nice to have someone as your role model. Doing so will help you get inspired, and be motivated every single day. But the thing is, it also lets you develop the habit of comparing yourself to other people every now and then, and comparing can be too constricting.

Why compare yourself with someone, when you can just be yourself, do what you gotta do, and be who you want to be, without living under the impression that others are better than you? You are unique. You are special. You don’t have to be like anyone. Be you. Be whoever you want to be without being pressured to be like somebody.

A professor of mine once told me that once you feel low and you feel like comparing yourself with other people, you have to remember that while other people possess something better than you do, you also have something that is considered better than what the others have.

You also have to remember that the people around you are not your enemy. Your real enemy is yourself. You are the one who let other people’s actions and words get in your head. You are the one who let them affect you. Once you learn to recognize that, you will also learn how to free and let go of yourself.

I am writing this not only for everyone, but also for myself. I need to remind myself to always be who I am despite of what people tell me. I need to remember not to let others dictate what I should do, how I should act, and who I should be.

In the past, I had been hurt quite a lot of times by people whose words I used to care about. I had been told I wasn’t good enough, and that I wasn’t pretty enough just like the others. It took me a long time to realize that all the things I lack of are actually the things that make me special.

And right now, I feel blessed and thankful for who and what I am.

I am thankful for having a big, wavy hair that is even bigger than my face. Because of it, I don’t have to worry about losing hair, and I never have to actually comb my hair.

I am thankful for having a naturally-tan skin because then, I never have to worry about getting too dark under the sun because I already am, or worry about attempting to get fairer skin that will make me paler than the moon. Having pale skin is overrated.

I am thankful for being genetically skinny and tiny because then, the only thing I have to worry about is keeping my body healthy and strong.

I am thankful for being independent, for being able to freely express my thoughts, for having the chance to share what I have, and for being a free-spirit.

All of these things were actually pointed out to me as my flaws before, and I know there will always be those people who will continuously think of them as flaws. But right now, I am thankful for everything that I am because if not, no one else will (besides my parents, of course haha).

Like me, you can do this, too, but you can do it your own way. Be the amazing person you have always been.

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One Day

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One day you will forget
how much I love you
how much I need you
how much you mean to me.

You will forget
that I have always wanted you
that I have always cared about you
that I can’t live without you.

And when that day comes,
I hope you remember
that you are my world,
my entire universe.

And I will always wait for you,
Even in the afterlife
And I know it’s going to worth it
Even if I die a million times.

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You Are Good Enough

HorizontalBar_2Hey, you! Yes. You! You are good enough. You are good enough for me. No matter how many times you tell me you aren’t, you will always be good enough for me. You don’t see what I see. And I wish for a moment you do, because I see lots of wonderful things in you. You are beautiful – my beautiful.

I don’t know what happened to you in the past – what you did to others, and what others did to you – that made you feel insecure. I don’t know whom you surrounded yourself with and what happy memories you have made with them. I don’t know who have hurt you and made you cry. But one thing’s for sure, I know that I am able and always willing to treat you right and make you feel better today, tomorrow, and hopefully, for the rest of our life together.

I know we haven’t had lots of fond memories together…yet, but I am looking forward to making thousands, if not millions, of happy memories with you. I’d love to travel around the world with you, live in different places, and probably get our own mobile trailer and live near the beach. I have never wanted to learn how to swim, but if you’d be willing to teach me, I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have second thoughts and I’d run and jump into the ocean right away.

I still haven’t figured out whether you like sunny days or rainy days better, but I have a feeling you love both. Don’t tell me! I’d like to learn more about you without you telling me anything. I’d like to look at your beautiful face while I listen to your lovely voice. I look forward to spend many summer and winter seasons with you. During the summer, we could stay in Hawaii or go to Bali. We could go surfing in St. Francis Bay or we could escape all the way to Costa Rica. In the winter, maybe we could just stay at home, cuddle up in bed, or we could go skiing in Austria. We could go on a Caribbean cruise and travel the world together.

I’d also like to visit other beautiful places in Europe with you. I’d love to be able to experience being above the clouds with you. I wish we both could fly, because I am sure it would be super amazing!

I still have to figure out whether or not you want a big family one day. But if not, I’d be more than willing to accept it. For as long as you’re with me, and I am with you, we could still make everything better. We’d be Jessie and James without a Meowth. I would never leave your side and I promise to give you free meals for the rest of your life. I would take care of you and I would be the last person in your life who would turn her back at you.

I’d stick with you through thick and thin because I know that I belong to you and you belong to me. You would never have to tell me I am too good for you and that you are not good enough for me. Those words are rubbish. I wouldn’t want you to say those words ever again.

You are beautiful. You are smart and strong. You are loved and you are everything I want you to be. I would never stop proving to you that you deserve me and that I deserve you, too.

You could try to push me away, but I would still come back to you every time. You could ask me to leave you, but I would always find my way back home. I would love you with every waking breath, just as long as you want me to.

I’d never want you to feel unloved and unappreciated. I’d value you the most and you have no idea how much I would be willing to give to make you happy. I’d always have your back, and you’d never have to worry about me leaving you, because I would never will.

I want you. I want you so bad. I just hope you’d want me the same way I do so much so that you’d wish to be with me forever.

I want you to talk to me, and don’t let me go away. I long for you to talk to me. You’re already so far away, and I want you to reach out to me, even from a distance. Don’t ever feel embarrassed about yourself. You are good enough. You are good enough for me.

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(Originally published 07/20/2015 and shared on The Fickle Heartbeat 07/22/2015)

I Loved Him

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In my younger years, there was this person, and I loved him. It was great, yet it was short lived. It was the kind of love that kept me awake all night long. It was full of fantasies and whimsical ambitions. It was something that old people would consider shallow and pretentious, yet something that would teach us about life.

When I try to go back and relive the memories, I realize how badly I have treated that person who once made me smile. I wasn’t his first, but he was mine, and I thought I could love him the same way forever.

I have reached that point in my life when I started considering that person I loved for the first time as the one that got away. I loved him. I am sure of that. Yet, my love for him was not enough. It was not the kind of love that would move mountains, nor the kind of love that would make me cross oceans. It was the kind of love that made me seize the day and enjoyed everything while it lasted.

Letting him go was very easy for me. I already knew back then that he deserved someone better. I loved him, but I knew that I wasn’t the one for him…that no matter how many times he tried to tell me that we were meant to be, it would never work out the way he thought it would.

I loved him, and I let him go. But, this doesn’t mean I regret anything. I no longer feel the same love I had for him now, because there is already someone filling up the space he used to have in my heart. In fact, this person fills up the space that is bigger than the one he had. Despite all these, I would always carry a piece of his memory at the back of my mind, and I would never forget that once in my life, I loved him.HorizontalBar_2

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Summer Love

“We can’t possibly have a summer love. So many people have tried that the name’s become proverbial. Summer is only the unfulfilled promise of spring, a charlatan in place of the warm balmy nights I dream of in April. It’s a sad season of life without growth…It has no day.” 
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise 

Anything

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I envy the people who get to

see your beautiful face

hear your raspy, sexy voice

smell the sweet scent of your skin

I would give anything

just to be with you

to lie awake next to you

and stare at your beautiful green eyes

I would do anything

just to be one of those people

who get to be with you

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Dream

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I dreamed of a brighter day

but it didn’t last

I also craved for the dark

Because in it I found solace

I dreamed of rainbow colors

but black and white

made my life way better

and opened me more doors

I dreamed of milk chocolates

but it was too sweet

and I am bitter

So I asked for tight corsets

I dreamed of a pink cotton candy

but it was too cute and fluffy

which was not the one I needed

not unless it was a bottle of brandy

I dreamed of life-sized teddy bears

because they do not die

they do not wither

like a bouquet of flowers

I have never truly dreamed

of anything real besides him

because he was the dream

that came true without me wishing.

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Worries

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Arms wrapped around her nakedness

She feels you weaken in the morning air

Squeezing her until you feel safe

Because you find comfort

in her pain

Eyes closed

All of your worries are gone for a while

And she pours her heart bit by bit into your hands

As you see her dive into a pool of tears

Heart beats

Rapid and slow at the same time

You are her world

and she would give up everything for you.

Pretending you don’t care

You punish her for her love

You know she is tired and will leave you at some point

Yet you hold on to her promise that she will be back

And she will

because whatever you do

and whatever she has to go through

she will keep coming back for you.

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Slow Down

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You twist and you turn
Like a rod in a keyhole
Deep, forced and unfit
You tease me
As you find bliss in my coyness
You toast
That burning desire in me
You thrust
And I feel you slow down a little
Like a knife
You cut right through me
And I could hear the phoenix crying somewhere
And the mandarin ducks have just stopped singing
A murder of crows are waiting
at the end of the line
They could hear you
They could hear us
Slow down, my love
It’s not yet time.

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Life Priorities

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Don’t tell me to get a life
because my life doesn’t revolve around you
You aren’t the center of my universe
You aren’t the moon to my sun
Nor the milky way to my galaxy
But you should know that
In my list of priorities,
You’re on the topmost part of it.

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On Waiting

HorizontalBar_1“You’ll find another.’
God! Banish the thought. Why don’t you tell me that ‘if the girl had been worth having she’d have waited for you’? No, sir, the girl really worth having won’t wait for anybody.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

What  would happen if you keep waiting? …if you keep hoping that he would come around, and do everything he could to reach out to you? What if you are just waiting for nothing? You are a beautiful person with a kind and caring heart. You deserve someone better…someone who would appreciate you and someone who would do anything just to keep you.

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She’s A Lucky Girl

Very well written. ❤

The Fickle Heartbeat

Back To The SeaShared by Katie Wilhelm

I don’t know if she’s blonde or brunette. I’m not sure if she likes the Yankees or Red Sox. I am not particularly sure what her first name is.

I don’t even know if you’ve met her yet. But I do know that she exists and that you will meet her eventually. I know that you’ll be taken by her beauty and want to make her yours immediately. That’s just the way you are.

You’ll fall in love with her within a matter of months, bonding over a shared taste in music and a deep appreciation for numbers. You’ll want to make her smile every second of every day and you will do your best to see that that happens. Her laugh will fill your heart with bliss and yours eyes will soften at the sight of her cheeky grin.

You’ll text her every morning…

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When Love Means Pain

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Sometimes how you see a person is different from how another person sees him…and what’s worse is, sometimes that person isn’t who you think he really is even when you think you have known him for a long, long time.

And, if you love that person, you would always see the best in him even when everyone thinks he’s the worst person in the world…and you would stay with him even when he’s the one pushing you away.

Love should never be based on how long or short you have known each other. It should never be measured by how much you can give and how often you can sacrifice. It should never be about proving something to people.

People are inclined to question a lot of things. It is inevitable. Sometimes they take a toll on your being. They get on your nerves. But if you’re certain about your feeling, then you should never be bothered by them.

Love isn’t always amazing. It is bloody. It is a battlefield. There is so much pain attached to it. It’s always up to you to deal with it. You don’t have to be scared even when it makes you want to crumble down on your knees. Love is not for the weak, they say. So, stand your ground if you really want it. Pain is momentary but what comes after it vanishes will be all worth it.

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Appreciation

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You may have not noticed

the way my eyes light up

with adoration

when you smile

You may have not felt

the way you touch my heart

the second

you produce a sound

I am sure you haven’t

and you will never have

unless I make it apparent

but one day,

I know

you will no longer be around

and I don’t want to wait

until that day to tell you

that I appreciate

every inch of you.

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Because Love

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You should never forget
how much I love you
You never have to worry
if I care about you as much as you do
Never doubt
whether I think about you every single second
Because love,
I do.
And you never have to do these things,
Because love,

it is mine to deal with
It is mine to battle against
My mountain to climb
And I don’t want you to waste your time
Because love,
It is me who always forget
that I love you
And I worry if I still care about you.
Because love,
when the pain is too much
we don’t have a choice
but to forget we have felt something in the first place.

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Love is a Place for You and Me.



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Love.

Do you know that there is a special place just above the sky

that is designed especially for the two of us?

A place where the oceans meet

             where the clouds overlap

             where the stars and the moons reside

             where a thousand suns illuminate your eyes

             where millions of roses rest under your feet.

There, you can find a waterfall named after your tears

A river where all of your dreams may come true

A castle stands in the middle of the sea

floating above the waters so you could walk without using your feet.

This place I am telling you is made out of love

A love that is stronger than the wind in a stormy night

A love that even the deadliest warrior in history of all histories can never destroy

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Imperfect

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I don't want to wait
if it will take many years
I am not perfect. 

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The Sky

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It is not the sea

that makes us feel more distant

Love, it is the sky.

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Metanoia

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A flowerless mimosa pudica

lays untouched

in the middle of the desert

parched and gasping

waiting to be moved

by your Ferocactus

so fleshy and succulent

ginormous and stretched

It makes it want to wish

it was a dandelion

fulfilling what you crave

There is something in you

that makes it want to fit in

to blend in

Your power over it is staggering

transforming

life changing

because that is what you are.

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Repression

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The sun rises

A smile shines out of my eyes

        as I look out the window

The grass seems greener

        than they have ever been

Dandelions get blown by the wind

        and I wish for just one thing

I look back at what has transpired

Broken tables

Wine splattered on the carpet floor

Clothes scattered everywhere

The roses you send every day

        still bloom like they were freshly picked from your garden

I feel every trace of ink on the letter

        that comes with it

Heavy breathing

I am feeling you

Every inch of you

Every beat of your heart

I wish I could touch you

I wish I could make love to you

       at this very moment

I wish I could tell you

       that underneath these clothes

I am naked.

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I Thought of You

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I thought of you
quite a lot of times today

As I tried to open my eyes
and get off my bed

As I fought the cold water
that ran through my bare shoulders

As I survived the traffic jam
on my way to work

And as a stranger in a dark alley
grabbed and took away

Everything I had been willing to give you.

Yes.

I thought of you.

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How?

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How difficult is it
for people to give what they easily take back?

How easy it is
for them to say
what we can hardly forget?

How stupid does that sound?

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Storm

Storm

Storm

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The Weather Forecast this morning
says there is a storm coming
I am curled up in my bed
with you inside my head
This bad weather
is nothing
Compared to the storm
that has been going on for months
Here in my heart.

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Dreaming

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A lightweight object
sat on my face
As I dreamt about you
tonight

I felt two strong arms

around my tiny body
One on my back
The other on my hips.

I thought I was flying
then I remembered I had no wings
I fell
My face on the ground.

I opened my eyes
to find nothing but darkness
I looked around
You were nowhere to be found.

Tonight,
I dreamt about you again.
Tonight,
I was making love with you.

Again.
And again.
And again.
And yet again.

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Urges

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You had been waiting for this exact moment
You were apart for far too long
And now she was at the door
You ran towards her
And pushed her against the wall
You forgot how cold the concrete wall was

You touched her lips with your right hand
As your left hand began to wander and found its way to her left leg
You looked at her and lifted her up
Her legs around your waist
You started biting her neck
You sucked
And sucked
And she moaned
And moaned
And moaned
She called out
She whispered into your ear
She asked you to stop
You realized
Maybe it was too much
You began to move slowly
You bowed down
And dropped to your knees
You looked at her
Stared into those beautiful brown orbs you have always loved
Her eyes were pleading
Begging
Her morals
Her faith
Her belief
Her everything
You almost let her lose all of that
Just because of your misery
Being away from her was hard
She knew that
If it was hard for you
It was more difficult for her
You touched her face
Tears streaming down like waterfalls
You leaned in and planted a kiss on her sweaty forehead
You locked her in your arms
And squeezed her tightly
No words were needed
But she knew
She knew how much that meant
How much strength you had
To be like that to her
She felt it
And so she pushed you against the wall
She touched your lips with her right hand
As her left hand began to wander
She wrapped her arms around you
She started biting your neck
She sucked
And sucked
And you moaned
And moaned
And moaned
You whispered her name
You made her stop
You looked at each other’s eyes
Drowning yourselves
You turned around because it was too much
You were conflicted
Frustrated
You did not know what to do
It was too good to be true
You sat down at the end of your bed
Your hands covered your face
You felt the bed sunk a little
You turned your head and looked at her
She was smiling
The smile you had been craving to see on her face
A tear fell down
And that was it.
That was the sign.

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Midnight Thoughts of the One That Got Away

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I am that girl most people I’ve been with would probably think of as “the one that got away.” I always get away. Always. Not because I want to…but because people let me go.

It’s almost four in the morning, and I found myself reading a message I just received from one of the ghosts of my past.

"Hey. I am just wondering how you've been."

How many times have I received a message like this before? How many times have I seen unknown numbers of different people pop up on my phone screen at 4am, telling me they miss me, or that they have been thinking about me and that they are sorry? How many times have I witnessed my phone ring several times in a day from people who “just want to hear my voice?” I can no longer count it with my fingers, and I also can’t stop but wonder…why?

Why do people do this? And why me? Was I born to be that person whose worth will only be realized once I am out of people’s lives?

No. Of course, not. I am worthy of the best things in life. I know how good I am, and unfortunately for some people, it takes them a long time to see and think about the goodness in a person. It isn’t their fault their realization of things are a bit slower, but it is never my fault as well.

I’ve always been the one that people will let go of, and then decide to come back to after…only to find out, they have no one to go back to anymore. And that’s a good thing. I can no longer pick up what I’ve already thrown away unless I’ve loved it ever so dearly that I would put away my pride to pick it up again.

As Passenger’s song goes,

Well, you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go...

It’s also funny how people will only realize they actually want to keep you in their life once they see how happy you are without them, and when you’ve already found someone new that puts a smile on your face better than they used to.

And for the first time in years, someone is not letting me slip away…no matter how many times I feel myself drifting. I’ve never felt like this before.

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I Love You, Goodbye

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A post about one of the struggles of being in an LDR, written by Kat Fabronero for Toast&Tea

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They say that when you love someone you have to set them free. Today—or rather, in a few days time—I shall set him free.

I had always wondered what happened months ago when he had changed — what made him change. He was no longer the person I knew during those first few months into the relationship. It was a sign, perhaps, that this LDR journey would not last but I refused to acknowledge it.

I said yes when he proposed albeit informally; I wanted him in my life. I continued to persevere and placed my all into making it work even if time and again, he casually shrugged off all of my efforts. He was crass, insensitive, regardless of my feelings for him. What should’ve been the wake-up call for me months ago should’ve been the end of everything.

But I loved him and I was willing to tolerate that slight.

Heart still in tatters, I moved on, telling myself that I should be understanding, more forgiving, more thankful that he and I still communicate despite the red lights flashing. He was no longer interested in me as person…just my looks, it seems.

I still held on.

It was a decision that was influenced by his surprise video calls and unexpected serenades. I would instantly melt, for crying out loud! However, our texts and communication grew more and more scarce, with me always initiating a “conversation” inquiring how his side of the world was doing.

I never got a response right away even every time I saw that he was online. Mostly, he would reply the day after but with only a few words. I tried to give him a day or two for him to try initiate a talk with me but it didn’t work. It broke my heart to see this relationship crumbling into bits. But like a person in love, I still held on despite signs telling me the opposite.

I should’ve let him go when we had turned one, and he mocked my efforts to greet him. Prior to that, I sent him pictures of me making a countdown to our special day. On the day of our first anniversary, I had sacrificed sleep to buy mini cupcakes that spelled the words “I love you”. I was hoping for a Skype call—even if it would just be for 5 minutes. Yet, the celebration I was hoping for did not happen. To top it off, he just laughed at the photo of the mini cupcakes. It was like being slapped in the face.

I realized that I was not a priority. I was never a priority. I was not in his priority list.

He made that clear when I asked him what he envisions himself 5 years from now. In that vision, I wasn’t in it despite what we had discussed in those early days. In his life, I did not exist. No one knew of my existence.

Here I was, shouting to the world that he’s my man, but I…I was but a shadow in his.

I’ve had enough.

I’m tired of all the chasing. My heart is exhausted from breaking apart time and again. My heart could only tolerate so much.

Even if it pains me to do so, even if it hurts I have to let this go.

Let him go. For his sake.

For my sake.

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Kat Fabronero is a registered nurse, frustrated creative writer, food addict, bookworm, and the author of The Fat Kat. She is  passionate about British history, and she loves to play video games.

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Got any comments or advice? Just comment below. Thank you! 🙂

Thank You and Goodbye

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A poem written by Kristine Pineda for Toast&Tea

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I’d be lying if I told you, I didn’t love you
I’d be lying if I told you, I hated you
You were my one great love
that I asked from above.

I’d be lying if I told you, I stopped thinking of you
And I’d be lying if I told you, I don’t miss you
You still cross my mind
Our memories — good and bad, combined.

I thought I would be okay
Until I caught myself staring at the bay
I am getting weak and this is wrong
Wish I could be strong.

I wish I could erase all the memories
That turned instantly into tears
You’re one of the best
But you turned out to be just a guest.

In a heart I own
In these lips that is always on frown
You made these little mouth smile
From the love we had from a thousand mile.

Now I’m saying goodbye
And I wish I could fake the smile in my eye
But one has to walk away
And go on every single day.

I thank you for the smiles
We have shared even from the miles
Hoping this will be the last
And for us to heal fast.

As I write this, I wish you nothing but the best
And just let our hearts take a rest
As I say goodbye to someone
that I don’t want to be addressed.

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Kristine Pineda is a twenty-five year-old Filipina living in New Jersey. She is the author of The Blank PolaroidsShe loves photography, writing short poems and short notes about love and life. 

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My Everything

She could give you everything

you want and surely,

she would still have something

left for herself;

I don’t have everything

you want,

but I would give you my everything

even if that means

nothing would be left

for myself.

 

II Senses V: When I Look At You

I wonder how you feel
when I look at you.
Do you get
uncomfortable
as I stare at your
physique, or
when I examine
every part of your body
with my eyes?
I wonder how you feel
every time I study
your every angle
and every curve,
and how you curse
yourself within your head
when you get too affected;
And I wonder
if you know
when I look at you,
your eyes take me to
a different place
and your face looks like
art that deserves
to be praised
I wish I could
freeze the time
so I could enjoy
just watching you
live your life
and I’d be happy
just admiring you
from afar
and greeting you
countless goodnights.

Open Letter: To You Who Love Me When I Couldn’t Love Myself

“To become whole is to love all of our parts.”

— Mark Groves

For the longest time, I have been wondering why I seem to have constantly been asking for reciprocated love and attention from those who are close to my heart. 

I have never fully understood until I’ve realized that I actually lack love for myself. I have always been that person who would tell other people to always be strong and to always choose theirselves first, but in reality, I unconsciously disobey my own words. 

To other people, I am just that brave and bubbly little girl who doesn’t care about the world, but to those I allow to see the real me, I am that woman who has been struggling to love herself for a long, long time but is willing to change her view of herself for her own good. I know my worth and I am aware that myself is my own enemy. I’m not going to stop seeking for love and attention from the people I love but I am going to start loving myself more. 

And all of these, I have realized because of you.

I can never measure how grateful I am for having you in my life. You have always been good for my soul since the very start, and that’s something I am really thankful for. You have never really left me, and although you are not physically here right now, it still feels like you are around, and that you have always been here all along.

You make me the happiest person in the world every time you give me your attention. I have never had anyone who actually paid enough attention on me before, and all of these emotions I am feeling now are still unfamilar to me.

I never knew how happy I could be to have someone like you in my life. I have never felt so much love and care before. No one has ever expressed any concern for me besides my family, and I am afraid that all of these good and positive emotions I have overwhelm me.

I am overwhelmed because I have never truly experienced these in the past. You are the first person who has actually accepted me for who I am. And now that you have seen even the darkest side of me, I am hoping that you will still love every part of me, and that no matter what happens, you will still be patient enough to put up with me.

I never want to doubt your intention. I want to trust you, and I am slowly  learning to. Many people have ruined my trust before, and even though I try to think positively about you all the time, I still have those moments when I think about just leaving you. I could never imagine leaving you, but I am also scared of being left behind.

I hope that you will never get tired of me, even at times when I annoy you so much. It is true when people say that the only enemy you have is yourself. I have been constantly battling with myself and I am doing my best to fight for you. My mind always tells me to just give up on myself, but my heart would always contradict and convince me to still go on, and that is also because of you.

You keep me holding on. You inspire me to be a better person. You bring light into my soul, and for that, I am massively thankful.

I am now able to appreciate myself the same way I appreciate you. I have to admit I still fail to see the good side of me at times, but I strive to always keep a positive mind. Thank you for being with me. I will never stop reminding you how much I appreciate everything you do, and I just hope you will never get tired hearing me say it.

Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself, and I will do my best to learn until I love myself as much as I love you.

Open Letter: To Anyone Battling Anxiety Alone

I thought that if you just try to ignore everything that makes you feel anxious, worried and nostalgic…if you just keep thinking that everything is going to be fine…if you just keep reminding yourself how strong and brave you are, and that you can get through any hardships alone, your life will eventually be easier and better…but damn it, it doesn’t always get better when you force yourself to not feel something. The more you ignore a feeling that always comes back, the more you think about it and you will forever live with it like a troubled ghost that will never stay away.

You may have been having countless sleepless nights trying to think of a better way to let go of things, to let go of your anxieties and all the things that trigger them. It may be rather insensitive to plan out how you could forget the people you love or used to love and care about, but I know you feel as though it is the best solution especially when they are the reasons you are down the rabbit hole.

When something doesn’t make you feel happy anymore, it’s just normal to seek for another thing that would make you happier or something that would bring back the happiness in your daily life. However, it is never a good thing to force yourself in a situation that constantly brings you down.

Battling your anxieties alone is the most difficult thing to do. You feel like no one understands you and that no one will ever actually listen to you when you share everything that troubles you. It is scary to trust people with your thoughts and what is even more scary is the thought that the people you trust and the people you expect to love you are the ones who are not scared to hurt and disappoint you.

So if you have to let go, let go, but you have to make sure it will make you happy in the end. Don’t ever force yourself to feel something you don’t actually feel. Don’t pretend you are not sad or lonely. Don’t hide your anger and disappointment. Don’t fake your happiness.

You deserve an eternal happiness. You deserve psychological stability. You deserve to have peace of mind.

Open Letter: Dear Mr. Independent

You consider yourself independent because you can support yourself and you do not seek any kinds of assistance from others. You have a stable high-paying job, and you have enough, if not overflowing amount of money to provide you a lifetime of luxury. In fact, you may even have your own company where you pay others to work for you.

Of course, it is just expected that when it comes to finding a potential partner, you try your best to find that person who is exactly the same as you are, someone we also call Miss Independent.

You have to remember that although she could be the same as you, she is actually different. She may make enough money for herself, so she wouldn’t have to depend from others financially. She does things on her own and she lives away from her family. She is hardworking. She would rather starve working than have someone feeding her for free. She could be poor, but she has enough and that’s all that matters to her.

Of course, just because she chooses to stay somewhere that only gives her enough to feed herself, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have other dreams in life. She knows she shouldn’t settle for less, but she also believes in being happy with a job. She believes in learning and growing while passionately working.

You also have to know and remember that she is not a charity case. Maybe she lacks a lot of luxurious things in life, but it doesn’t mean that just because she doesn’t have something, she cannot afford it. She can buy things when she needs it, not just when she wants it. And sometimes she would rather spend her money on other people than spend it for herself.

She knows which things and people to prioritize. Miss Independent has a firm belief that in order to survive being independent, she has to keep in mind that she only has to focus on what she needs. She knows that once she gives in to her wants, she wouldn’t be able to control herself. She believes that if she wants something, she has to work for it, and she doesn’t want to waste anything she has worked hard for.

She will try to outsmart anyone who threatens her independence. She will try to avoid people whom she thinks will make her feel frustrated and vulnerable. She will try to avoid getting attracted to people like you.

In the end, if you try hard to get her attention, she will slowly start loving you and she will give her everything to you — her heart, her mind, her body and her soul. Although she is independent in other aspects of her life, you will find out that she is actually not emotionally independent. She will try to hide it from you or from anyone, but you will find it out.

She will tell you how she feels but she will not repeat herself. Please, don’t make her repeat herself. She knows when she is not being appreciated and recognized, which is why she could get easily upset. She would never tell you what she is upset about, so you have to know it’s related to her feelings somehow.

Miss Independent likes to repress her feelings and desires to avoid coming out as a weak person to you. She wants you to know she is strong and brave. She wants you to know she can live without you even when she can’t.

Because of that Mr. Independent, I hope that you could still be her rock even when she thinks she can stand on her own feet. I hope you could still be her strength, inspire and motivate her, understand her and be patient with her and love her without judgment.

You see, Mr. Independent, you are exactly the same independent people, but you actually are different from each other. You can be both physically and emotionally independent, while she may only possess half of the equation.

Being independent does not mean you do not need anyone in your life. We all need someone who will remind us how strong we are, someone who will love us unconditionally, someone who is willing to be there even when we think we don’t need them.

And sometimes, we just need someone who can make us feel vulnerable and weak, so we’d remember that we’re actually humans.

Game of Thorns

Thorns never meant to harm;

but they could dig

through your skin and slowly

eat your soul

like the words 

I would say to you

the moment you make me

realize I have had enough

of your games.

You Can Do Better

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She has yet to learn
the things you already knew
She knows she is young --


Mind your own business
No one is doing you harm
You don't have to hate


You think you know her
But you overanalyze 
Like a psycho bitch


You are beautiful
Though only in the surface
You can do better.

 

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Note: This is probably the most shallow haiku series I have ever done, but I need to express myself in written words to make myself and everyone out there who are often misjudged feel better. Sometimes people are really so judgmental and insensitive, and you just gotta learn how to be strong on your own and not care much about them. Just because they know a bit of your life, they assume that they already know everything that’s in your heart, mind, and soul. I know that these people are hard to avoid, and things like this happen…but how I wish people stop analyzing other people’s way of living and just mind their own selves.