Winter in My Heart

night regrets

I create my own problems.

I’ve known this fact about me for a very long time now. When everything goes the way I want it to, I find a way to create a problem and dwell on it until it’s gone.

The weather has been extremely bad during the past few days. Sometimes it is too hot. Sometimes it is too cold. Sometimes it rains so heavily, sometimes it is too sunny. These changes in the weather apparently affects me a lot. I have noticed some drastic changes in the way I think, act and behave.

How many times have I complained about the cold lately? Too many.

It’s too cold. I am freezing.

I have said this too many times to everyone around me. I have even sent it as a message to the people close to me.

You’re freezing? That’s odd. You’ve never felt too cold before.

My best friend replied, reminding me about how I dress. She is right. Usually, I never really feel the cold even in zero-degree places. I am accustomed to dressing light, and even when it is freezing outside, I still wear short dresses, high-waist shorts and sleeveless tops.

Maybe it’s just your heart.

She replied one more time. This line hit me right both in the head and in my heart.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s just my heart and my mind battling with reality. It’s so cold, yes, literally…that is right, but it is not the weather that really makes me feel so cold.

There’s winter in my heart…

And my mind is trying to find a way to battle it. I need fire to counteract it.

I need love…

But I don’t want it.

I don’t want love because when I start wanting it, I keep giving it all without expecting anything in return. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to make memories because I know that these memories will leave me haunted when the love is gone.

And so right at this moment, I may be destroying my chance of being loved.

I don’t want to create memories with anyone. I am scared of vulnerability. I have been in that state too many times before. The more I spend time with someone I really like, the more I fall into the abyss of loving that person, and the more that my desire for his/her love and all of his/her attention grows, and the least thing I want right now is for that person to feel suffocated. And so, I keep trying to push anyone away. Today, I may not want to talk to you or spend time with you, and then tomorrow, I may find myself annoying you with my “heys”, and asking for your love and attention.

It is too cold. Maybe you can give me your love to warm me up.


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  • You do not have a cold heart. A cold hearted person could never ever write the beautiful poetry that you write. In fact your poetry actually warms hearts!

    • I think that the phrase “in love with the idea of love” speaks the truth about me. I want to feel and experience it in my thoughts, yet my reality contradicts it. Thank you for seeing the light in me…as always. 🙂

      • It will happen someday for you. I just know that it will. Diana, you are beautiful on the inside as well as the outside and I’m quite sure that good things will come to you in time. Have patience sweetie, good things come to those who wait.

  • Farewell Bo

    You know how they say that loves sets you free? It doesn’t. It sets up limits. It requires consensus. It sucks up your time and energy.

    It is ok to not want to be in love.

    However, freedom may get boring over time. You get that feeling of “been there, done that”. You’ve challenged yourself too many times, you’ve experienced it all, there is nothing left to amuze you. Then you’re ready to trade freedom for love.

    Maybe that would happen to you, too. Maybe it won’t. Either way – you’re not doing anything wrong. No need to feel guilty for not falling in love. It’s just the way life is.

  • We’re in love with the idea of love, of course we are, it’s so exciting. In reality, it often isn’t, so the idea seems so much better. But still – we hope! (maybe not you, but me…)

  • You have the love of your readers, and the nice thing is, you don’t have to love them back. (But you do, don’t you? What cold heart does that?) 🙂

  • You are warm, Loving and you never let anyone feel unwanted and that makes you truly unique and amazing, I for one am grateful to be one of your readers 🙂

  • Jen

    Not wanting love right now doesn’t mean you’re cold hearted. But it seems maybe without your knowledge, your body and heart are craving companionship, love and a partner. Don’t over think it (I know that’s not an easy feat!) let it happen naturally. Before you know it, you won’t be as cold as you’ve been ;).

  • Ok, you asked for it. Loveloveloveloveloveluvvvvvv! 🙂
    Well, I wrote this last night and was saving it for a post. Since you seem to need some warmth, I’ll share a little piece.

    When I fall for you
    My heart is already there
    When we join hands
    Our souls kiss the twilight
    And fire welds us to fate

  • remember the song bb.. “LET IT GOOOOO!!! LETT ITTT GOOOO!!!”
    HAHA! I get where you’re at. Totes! Anyway, here’s a blankie and a cup of hot cocoa to warm you up.