Twelve Years Gone

healing court muse

Twelve years ago today, my dad told me he loved me for the last time.

I was raised to always obey my parents, and so even though my mom lived thousands of miles away, and my dad was an atheist, I opted to go to Church twice a week to make my mom happy.

It was a Wednesday morning, and I just got out of Church. My dad sent me a message telling me he couldn’t pick me up because he went fishing with his friends. His message came with an “I love you” at the end.

For me, it was a little random and weird. The only time my dad would say those words was either before I went to bed or when I woke up in the morning. That was the first time he said those words without making it sound forced.

Later that same day, he asked me if I could stay at his friend’s house for the entire night until morning the next day, and although I was a little hesitant, being the obedient daughter that I was, I said yes…

…Only to wake up crying in the middle of the night feeling uneasy and anxious. I woke up having a panic attack, looking for my dad. And in the morning, when I woke up for the second time, I heard a series of loud knocks on the door, my cousin calling my name, crying.

When I went out, her face was drenched in tears and she looked at me. Without hearing the words, I fell down on my knees and cried calling for my dad. I knew then that something was wrong.

When I saw my dad’s body lying in bed, something inside me died too. How could people be so heartless?

My dad was a great man. He was strict and he could be violent but it was never for the wrong reasons. He was a respectable man who had beliefs different from others’. He was a man of honor, who gave us all tough love. But he never deserved to be brutally taken away from us.

He passed away due to a seven-inch stab in his stomach, thirteen cuts in his face and head. He was stabbed with a katana. His head, his lips, his entire face were wounded. I could no longer imagine the face of the man I loved so much.

My older sister came home the same day not expecting to see him like that. I could not imagine how devastated she was. Among us all, I knew that my sister loved him more than I did, but she never showed it to him and never made him feel how much she loved and adored him.

I guess, it is true what they say that we only realize we made a mistake when it’s already too late. And until now, my sister hasn’t forgiven herself just yet.

When my dad left, it also took me years to recover. I fell into depression and got sick. I had a really hard time healing, and I couldn’t tell this story before.

Now that it has already been twelve years, although the pain of losing my dad is still there, I am much stronger and braver now. I am already able to write this story and actually finish it like this without sobbing.

I still miss him every single day. I still wish he was still here, cheering up for me, sharing the happiness I get when I succeed academically and professionally. But I know I have to move forward and accept the fact that I cannot bring him back, and that not all the ones we love actually stay forever.

And so, if my dad could still read this, I want to end this post with a small letter…

Daddy, I love you so much more than you had ever loved me.

I know you had a hard life and you didn’t mean to hurt us and leave us just like that.

You were the one who had always believed in me, and I have to admit that every time something great happens to me, I still wish you were here because I know you would be very happy and proud of me.

When life gets rough, I still wish you were around, because daddy, sometimes I still wish I could still be a father’s baby. I had to grow up quick when you left because I no longer had anyone who would make me feel like I was still a baby and that I didn’t have to worry about growing up. Daddy, I’m already twenty-four and although I think maturely now, I still wish I could be a spoiled kid and not care about what people say about me.

Daddy, I still have panic attacks and wake up crying in the middle of the night calling out your name because I feel so alone and that no one understands me. But don’t worry, because that is only momentarily. I have learned to pick myself up and stay strong because of you.

I miss you, and I love you, daddy. Always have. always will.

  • Amanda

    I’m so sorry about your Dad. No doubt, the way you last saw him as affected you greatly. I hope he received Justice, even though he died. Loved ones dying leave holes in our hearts. I think as you know, they can’t be filled and they don’t often heal over, but life goes on and we find other people who bring us joy and make the pain not as sharp. I hope you have met other people in life who have made you smile and made you not feel the pain as much. Prayers for you and your family on this sad anniversary.