This Thinking Space

by

I imagine myself being in the middle of a rice field. Alone, listening to the noisy sound of rice stalks swaying with the wind.

I no longer recognize myself. I don’t recognize this place — this place that has become a big part of me. This has been my thinking space where I seek comfort from. When I feel happy, I come here and emanate the happiness I get to feel. When I feel sad, I am more likely to confide in this tiny virtual space to let all my bad feelings out.

So many things have happened and changed in the past six months — most of it I found great. Because of that, I have forgotten that I have this space to run to if ever things don’t go the way I want it. I try to always be happy and to be grateful for everything I have, but sometimes, I also have days when I just don’t feel like living at all. It’s like…it is so hard to live, I just want to take a break and forget I exist.

Today I woke up sad and really empty. Maybe it had something to do with a dream that I could barely remember but I just knew I had to cry it out.

I’ve been feeling alone and to avoid being depressed, I run to people I love and care about to in search for happiness. I am aware that in order to be truly happy, you should start with yourself. But you know what’s sad? It’s when you know that it isn’t helping you at all, and that you feel like you are not allowed to feel how you feel.

I am not always this lonely and depressed. As I have mentioned a couple of times already, I want to be happy, and I want to inspire everyone to be always positive. But there is this part of me that comes out once in a while…this part of me that I can get rid of.

I feel jaded, and all I want to do is hold the people that makes me happy close to my heart. Unfortunately, not everyone I love understands the way I am, and when things go down the drain, I always end up feeling abandoned in a rice field. But right now, I have found this thinking space again. I am here alone, and I appreciate this solitary moment I get to have. I will get past this phase, and I will be okay again.

  • Jonas Verdeflor

    Thank you for sharing. I felt like that so many times. It’s OK to feel jaded and depressed once and awhile. That despair points to a deeper desire of infinite love for you as you. Follow that desire. The end point of that desire is not people, but something on a spiritual level (maybe Jesus?). But you have to explore that for yourself.

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