I am scared of falling in love again, and this is a feeling that has never left me ever since my first heartbreak. I have never had a healthy relationship before — not even the close-distance relationships I had could be considered healthy for me. But I do know that there’s still someone out there — someone who could give me the love I deserve and could help make my life better than it ever was.
In the past, I had yet to feel anything I could describe as love. I had no good experience with it, and how it should have felt. I was always the one to go with the flow that the other person in the relationship wanted. I didn’t want to push at all for fear of pushing too far and ruining it.
Heartbreak after heartbreak, the fear still remains, but it is the kind of fear that motivates me to stay strong and learn to love myself even better.
But I am still scared. I am really, really scared.
I am so scared of falling deeper because I have a feeling that while everything seems so right, I’m not meant to be with anyone. I am having a crisis inside my heart, but no matter how many times I think about going full numb, my heart softens. Sometimes I feel myself grasping for air, and I can’t breathe, but my heart continuously holds on. I still hold on to the idea that someone is out there for me no matter how many times I have tried to switch my feelings off. In secret, I have a very low self-esteem. This may have caused by the painful things I have been through in the past.
So what is the point of writing these things down?
I just want to keep reminding myself that being scared is okay. It is alright to have fears because fears make us stronger and braver. The fears we have are what drives us to become a better person, a better lover in the future.