Pull the Trigger

Sometimes I don't know what I am doing, and so I choose not to do anything anymore. I've been feeling tired of people telling me how to live. I keep finding myself alone at night thinking of what is wrong about me. Why do I fall in love with someone who is unable to reciprocate? Is there anything wrong about me? Am I drawn to pain? Do I deserve getting hurt over and over again? Am I a bad person for staying true to myself? Or am I just surrounded with people who don't understand? Am I just in the wrong circle? How do I fix it? Do I fix myself or do I fix my environment?

I've been seeking comfort in the world of blogging for a couple of months now. I've been actively interacting with people, making friends and establishing connection, and it feels great. It feels good to have strangers to talk to. Even when I barely know them and they don't know much about me, it feels good to know you are not alone out there.

I have to admit I am not the most perfect person in this world. I commit a lot of mistakes every now and then. I hurt people's feelings. I push people away and I don't care about others sometimes.

What other people don't understand sometimes is that we do things that are deemed unacceptable by others.  These things are our own defense mechanisms. We all have it and it shouldn't feel right to judge others for it.

I push people away to avoid major fiasco in the future. I don't show you how much I care about you because I don't want you to feel more pain in the long run. I don't want you to get so attached to me because I will be doing the same. I am not just doing this for myself, but I am also doing this for you.

Should I be sorry for being me? No, I shouldn't, right? I am pretty sure that if you were in my situation and you ask yourself this question, you would say no. You would probably ask me why you have to apologize for who you are.

Sometimes others don't understand who you are even when they have known you for a long, long time. I have been so heartbroken lately because I've been feeling like my personality and my humanity are being deliberately questioned. I have been feeling like I am being put in an inquisition and I am so freaking tired.

I am also human and I have a heart, too, you know? I get hurt, too and even the slightest slit of knife drawn in my heart may also cause big damages to my emotional being. I can be an emotional wreck, too. You are not the only person who is allowed to act this way.

Another thing that drains my energy is the fact that sometimes, people make comments on others even when they hardly know what is going on with that person.

If you don't know anything about something, why waste your freaking saliva and make snarky comments and judge other people based on what you don't know? Let's say you have your own point of view. Fine, I will take it. But just because you have the right to say something doesn't mean you should.

Other people may have something you don't, but you also have something they don't have. Other people may know something you don't, but you also know something they don't.

Life is not fair, but it is balanced. We know something others don't. We have something others don't. This is what my parents have taught me to always keep in mind.

Sometimes I get jealous of others because they seem to have a better life than I do. But then I scold myself for feeling this way because I know that everyone of us is blessed with different capabilities, skills and talents for us to use to make our life better.

Jealousy and envy will take you nowhere but down the rabbit hole.

I do not like dropping critical statements about other people, but I've kept my mouth shut for long. I am who I am and if you cannot deal with who I am, then please, stay out of my life. I am tired of dealing with people who can't accept the dark side of me, and only want to love my good side.

I have a very bad experience with mental bullying, manipulation and guilt-tripping. I am so tired of people making me think and feel like I am the worst person in the world. Sometimes I just want to scream and shout, "YOU DON'T FREAKING KNOW MEEEE!"

Finally, I can say and write whatever the fvck I want on this blog because this is my space and you have the option to stay out of it. If you want to be my friends and if you're being truthful to me, I will love you and be truthful to you wholeheartedly, without judgment, without criticism, without thinking of the fact that I barely know you, because this is who I am. I don't care who you are for as long as you are not messing with me.

I am a goody-goody kind of girl. I will offer you my heart without you having to ask.

But don't make me pull the trigger.

 

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  • Diana, I understand and I’ve been criticized by people my entire life. I like what Shakespeare said. “To thine own self be true.” Or what my late mother always said, “I live my life, I love my life and critics be damned!” You are never alone dear. Don’t forget that.

    • Thank you, Kevin. I understand and I couldn’t agree more with what you said. Right now, I just have so many things in my chest that I need to let out. I feel like I am going to explode even more dangerously if I don’t. Usually, I would say I don’t care about other people, but that would make me feel even worse because I tend to care more when I say I don’t.

  • ” Another thing that drains my energy is the fact that sometimes, people make comments on others even when they hardly know what is going on with that person. ”

    It’s a brutal world out there D, But know this. What you feel, what you go through and are handling inside? that’s all part of being human, Don’t apologize for that oki?

  • I lived the guilt trip for years and in the end said ‘stuff you all’. I feel much better about life now. Don’t let them break you, Diana.

  • Wow! You’re bad girl 🙂 Better to be bad girl than always listen to others how to live your life. Yeee! Be bad, sis 🙂

  • Reblogged this on GUM: Growing Up Millennial.

  • I hope now you must be feeling light :).
    It’s your life…you have every right to be with the kind of people who deserve you.
    Use an eraser and clear some space. 🙂

    • Thank you! 🙂 Yes, I’m feeling better. I hope you’re having a great day! <3