Love is something that brings out your fear, even when you’re that kind of person who is never scared of anything. But when you fall in love, you suddenly have something to be afraid of. You’ll be afraid you have something to lose. You’ll be afraid you lose the love you’ve long been yearning for.
I am scared, and this is a feeling that has never left me since a long time ago, right before I met him. It’s not about something he did because I can assure you that he’s so close to being perfect. If God does exist, He must love me very much because He has given me such an amazing man to love me in his behalf. This man has never done anything that would make me feel bad, and that I am the only one who is actually giving myself a hard time.
I have never had a healthy relationship before — not even the close-distance relationships I had could be considered healthy for me. And here he is, proving me that there’s still someone out there — someone like him — who could give me the love I deserve and could help make my life better than it ever was.
In the past, I had yet to feel anything I could describe as love. I had no good experience with it, and how it should have felt. I was always the one to go with the flow that the other person in the relationship wanted. I didn’t want to push at all for fear of pushing too far and ruining it.
With him now, the fear still remains, but it is the kind of fear that motivates me to stay with him and to do everything to keep him.
I am scared, but I am happy.
In fact, I am the happiest I have ever been.
Yet I am still scared. I am really, really scared.
I am so scared of falling deeper because I have a feeling that while everything seems so right, we’re still not meant for each other. We live in different worlds. He’s heaven while I am hell. He’s the sky while I am the Earth people step on. He’s the rainbow and I am the hurricane that destroys everything. I am everything he has never dreamt of while growing up, and he deserves better.
I am having a crisis inside my heart, but no matter how many times I think about letting go, my love for him still gets stronger day by day. Sometimes I feel myself grasping for air, and I can’t breathe, but my heart continuously holds on. I still hold on to the idea that he is still here with me no matter how many times I have tried to push him away.
I think of the fact that if he doesn’t want to be with me, he could have left me by now and never talked to me again. And he is still here putting up with the sporadic mood changes and bad attitude I exhibit from time to time. He is still here making sure that I am reminded of how talented and smart I am, and that I am the best person he has ever met.
In secret, I have a very low self-esteem. This may have caused by the painful things I have been through in the past. I should be thankful that I still have him in my life. I should feel lucky that he loves me, and he makes sure that I don’t only hear the words, but that I can also feel it too.
And I am…
I am extremely grateful to have him in my life because through him, I am able to love sincerely again. I am thankful because he loves me back, and in exchange, I promise to be strong enough not to let go of him. I promise myself to keep loving him even when I feel like losing love for myself. I promise to continuously hold on no matter what happens, no matter how long the distance is, no matter how long it takes for us to be together again.
So what is the point of writing these things down?
I just want everyone to know that being scared is okay. It is alright to have fears because fears make us stronger and braver. The fears we have are what drives us to become a better person, a better lover.
I wish not to ever fail in letting him know how much I love him, even when I get tired, sad, lonely, empty and lifeless. He may not deserve to be with me because he deserves the best, but he deserves to know that he is loved and that someone across the ocean is staying strong for him.