Someone told me you were like a cancer – a terminal disease. Of all the things that weighed me down, you were the worst. I should blame myself for every bad thing you did to me, but I am done feeling guilty about things I shouldn’t be responsible for.
You ruined me – my body, my mind, my soul. You corrupted me and took away every important thing I have – my pride, my dignity, my self-respect and my confidence. You made me believe that all you wanted was for me to be happy, when in reality, you caused me so much sadness and grief.
You never chose me. I was never important to you. You were selfish and you only loved yourself. Because if you loved me, if you chose me, if I was important to you, you would have not done anything that you knew would cause so much pain in me. You would have never done anything that would tear me apart.
You could have protected me from all the heartaches this world had brought into my life, but you didn’t. You never did. All you did was to manipulate me and promise to make my life a whole lot better.
And you failed. You made my life even worse than before. You took away my innocence and made me believe I can never live without you. You made me believe that all those nights we spent together were memories of a romantic love that would last for a lifetime. You made me believe that all those days we had together was a sign that you would never leave me, that you would never let me go. You made me hope for something I never thought I could hope for – real unconditional love. You made me expect for more. I shouldn’t be blamed for having high expectations. It wasn’t my fault I believed and trusted in you.
I loved you with all of me. I could have given you everything but I knew that you would just leave me with nothing but heartaches.
You said you wanted to stay. You told me you did not want to let me go, that it was too hard for you to lose me. But there was a part of me that felt as though you already left me the day you said you were choosing her – whoever she was who was geographically and culturally close to you.
You broke me that day you decided the distance between us was too much for you, and that it was better for you to be with her for now. You told me that if it wasn’t for the distance, you could have chosen me, and I knew for a fact that all you were saying were just a mouthful of lies. You said you did not have a choice and that you were doing the right thing. Hurting me was never a right thing, and you had a choice not to hurt me that way.
And I deserved better.
I. Deserve. Better.
I am not a second option. I am not someone you can go back to whenever you want. I am not that woman you can only be with when it is convenient for you. We all have a choice, every second, every minute, every hour, every day. We have a choice to smile, to laugh, to be happy; a choice to love, to hate or not feel anything at all. I choose to love and be happy no matter how bad I have been hurt.
I am choosing myself. I am choosing to remain pure and innocent no matter how many wrong things I have regretted doing, to be kind and be nice to everyone no matter how many times I was wronged, to forgive but not forget no matter how many sincere apologies I have not heard.
If you tell me you did not have a choice when you broke me, I do not and never will I believe you, because we always have a choice. I repeat. We always have a choice.
And now, you are a disease that I want to get rid of. There is no more place for you in my life, for you only make it even more difficult to handle. I don’t want you to stay. I don’t want you to come back. I don’t want you to linger in the air I breathe. I don’t want to smell you, to hear you, to have you in my dreams. I don’t want to live in sorrow and misery. I don’t want you. And I don’t want to say “I still love you” anymore. I have started barricading my heart with the old rose thorns I picked out for you.
For now, I just want us to go back to who we were before we met. I am no longer interested in your personal life. I no longer want to know anything about you.
For me, you are now just a person I barely know.
You are like a cancer. You are never good for me.