I Am Still Here

by

Today was probably the most tiring day for me. I am exhausted about everything and so I wrote this poem in honor of my luxurious meltdown:

I Am Still Here

I can no longer count the many times I thought about death like a luxury
I thought of it as a way to be freed from the negative, heavy forces the universe places on one’s shoulders
I thought about death so many times today
I thought of how everybody would probably love me when I’m dead.
When I lost my dad twelve years ago, I wished I was the one lying on his casket
I wished it was all a dream and I was the one who was stabbed by a Katana in the abdomen, cut with a bolo knife numerous times in the head and stoned to death
I wish I was the one who had excrement in my jeans, crying, begging that there was someone in the crowd who would help me
His death taught me that not even your best friend could actually take a bullet for you
as his left him in the battlefield
I thought about turning back time and wishing I could morph into his body and we could switch places
I wished that when I talked about losing my dad, people did not judge me for no longer having one
I wished that they did not think I grew up broken because they did not know how it felt to have none
I wished someone held my hand, wiped my tears and told me they were proud of me because I grew up strong
But it was all wishes that did not come true.
My dad died for me.
My dad killed for me.
I thought about death so many times today because of how people I trusted mistreated me.
You may have thought I had given up but I am still here.
I thought about my own death
But I am still here.
You could kill me many times in your head
But I am still here.
You could kill my heart until it crashes down my feet
But I am still here.
I am going to keep fighting.
I could cry a river, fall on my knees, crawl a mile,
but I am going to keep fighting.
I thought about death millions of times today.
But I realized
You may have killed my heart,
But it still got eight lives,
And my dad taught me how to keep my fists alive.

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