We are both haunted by our past and by each other’s past. Some nights I spend my time checking his profile. Wondering how he has been. Thinking of what we could have been if things went the way we wanted to.
But most nights, I spend more time scouring your timeline, looking for marks and footprints of you and your old lovers. Hoping I was them. Wishing I was your first love. Dreaming that I was the one your heart first beat for.
It’s low and pathetic of me to do that when I know I should be happy because right now, you are with me. I am with you. And that, I cherish that dearly.
But there’s a part of me that breaks every time I see you now. Now that I know what you have been through. Now that I have seen how happy and innocent you truly were in your younger years.
Naive. That was probably the best description I would give you. You were too naive to recognize what true love wasn’t.
But you were happy. Unwaveringly happy that your heart must have broke a million times when people left you.
And I couldn’t take it.
I couldn’t imagine how much pain you might have had to go through.
And then you told me you were sorry.
You were sorry…for being unable to give me everything you used to give to everybody you learned to love.
And I wanted to tell you, you should never feel sorry.
Because I am sorry.
I am sorry that you had been hurt.
I am sorry that people did not recognize your worth.
I am sorry that people did not love you enough to stay with you.
And I am sorry because no matter how many times you will have to push me away,
I will never leave.
You can break my heart but I will never break yours
You can stop loving me but I will never stop loving you.
You probably think I will be like the others who came and left.
But I will always be here.
I will try to always be here.
Even when I am breaking, slowly… Even when you hear the voice of your old lovers in mine. Even when you see their ghosts in my shadows.
I will always love you.
I will love you more than I loved him.
I will focus on your smile when my memory keeps reminding me how he laughs.
I will do my best to find your face in the crowd when my mind starts looking for his.
I will choose you even when I’m still haunted. Even when we’re still both haunted.
I will choose you over his ghost.
I will choose you, always.
~ my creative fiction “Shitsubou” series, 2017. Shitsubuo is back and a lot longer than my previous ones! If you have read my older series back in 2015 – 2016, thank you for still reading my latest ones! ❤️