Being cool doesn’t always guarantee happiness and stability…especially when you’re faking it.
This is something I have realized a few failed relationships after. I have always been the cool girl. And when I say ‘cool girl’, I am referring to that type of girl who would let you do anything you want and wouldn’t care or worry so much about it. You want to date that other girl while you’re dating me? Sure. Just don’t let me see you both doing ‘it’. You want to check that girl out? Okay. But don’t talk to me about it. You want to cancel our date for another ‘meeting’? Sure. But I don’t want to hear about it later.
Earlier last year, I was in a not-so-serious relationship that lasted for three months. It was a semi-long distance, interracial, non monogamous relationship. If you asked me my relationship status during that time, I wouldn’t say I had a boyfriend, but I also wouldn’t say I did. I had…probably what I would call, a playmate…just because he has been playing with me all along. I was this close to saying I had a partner, but he wasn’t even close to being a partner. With him, even when we were physically together, I had always felt like I was a lone wolf in the desert.
I gotta admit this though, I didn’t like playing games. In my mind, I was too old to even think about stuff like that. To me, games were for juveniles, and I had worked and persevered enough to train myself to think and live like an adult. Other than that, my mom had always been behind me pushing me forward and reminding me that I am getting old and that I should be thinking about my future kids.
I can imagine my granny telling me “Diana, you’re only twenty-four, relax!” Every time my mom puts so much pressure on me, she always tells me to relax. And isn’t it weird how you get even more stressed out and feel more pressure when someone tells you that? It’s depressing.
But anyway, my three-month ‘short’ relationship had taught me so many things about life despite the negativities it also brought me. It may had triggered bad memories from my past and had made me scared of having a relationship with any heterosexual males (lol), but it wasn’t so bad after all. I had learned to face my fears alone, to stand on my own feet, to keep walking, to not just survive, but to live like it’s my freaking birthday every single day.
I had my ups and downs. I still do, especially now that my depression, which I thought has already vanished, has been floating in the air for me to touch and breathe in. I have the tendency to be in unhealthy relationships. I am now at a point where I am starting to think I attract people who don’t see my worth or people who take me for granted, so every time someone shows me unconditional love and makes me feel like I am worthy of the best things in life, I feel overwhelmed so much so that I slowly let myself drift away.
In my early years, I used to be in relationships with people younger than me. There were even times I was in multiple relationships all at the same time. That was because I wanted to be the dominant one. I wanted to be able to say, “Hey, I am older than you and I am more experienced so shut up and listen, child” every time I witnessed something that was unfavorable to me. I wanted to be able to use my metal hands to suffocate all boys I was with and make their lives a living hell.
But then my life turned upside down when I started becoming an actual adult doing actual adult stuff. It was stressful at first. I wasn’t too ready to grow up. But then, I also realized that one reason why people I was with never took me seriously was because I also took myself for granted. I thought that if I was the cool girlfriend, my partner would love me more. But the truth is, the more I let them think I was cool, the more they thought it was okay to step on me. And the more they pushed me over and over and over, the more I became unhappy and mentally unstable.
So now I am getting rid of the ‘cool’ me. And I’ll do my very best to be ‘just me’. There will be no more games. I’ll never say ‘okay’ again when I feel like things are not okay. I’m no longer gonna force myself to like things I don’t like. And if I ever be cool again, it’s because I’m genuinely cool, and not faking it.