I Am Too Scared It Makes Me Strong

I am scared of falling in love again, and this is a feeling that has never left me ever since my first heartbreak. I have never had a healthy relationship before — not even the close-distance relationships I had could be considered healthy for me. But I do know that there’s still someone out there — someone who could give me the love I deserve and could help make my life better than it ever was.

In the past, I had yet to feel anything I could describe as love. I had no good experience with it, and how it should have felt. I was always the one to go with the flow that the other person in the relationship wanted. I didn’t want to push at all for fear of pushing too far and ruining it.

Heartbreak after heartbreak, the fear still remains, but it is the kind of fear that motivates me to stay strong and learn to love myself even better.

But I am still scared. I am really, really scared.

I am so scared of falling deeper because I have a feeling that while everything seems so right, I’m not meant to be with anyone. I am having a crisis inside my heart, but no matter how many times I think about going full numb, my heart softens. Sometimes I feel myself grasping for air, and I can’t breathe, but my heart continuously holds on. I still hold on to the idea that someone is out there for me no matter how many times I have tried to switch my feelings off. In secret, I have a very low self-esteem. This may have caused by the painful things I have been through in the past.

So what is the point of writing these things down?

I just want to keep reminding myself that being scared is okay. It is alright to have fears because fears make us stronger and braver. The fears we have are what drives us to become a better person, a better lover in the future.

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I Will Choose You In A Heartbeat

You will find me in a graveyard where my feet are buried deep within the earth. You will hold my hands and pull me back up to make me whole once again.

By then, you will have already changed the beat of my heart. You will make it beat slower and faster at the same time, and these systolic changes will make me choose you.

I will choose you, and you will have no idea why.

I will choose you over the sadness, the pain and the heartbreak people in my past have caused me before you come.

I will choose you, and that is how I am going to quickly move on.

You will make me forget all the heartaches I have been feeling before I meet you. The happiness I will have with you will be too good to be true, and I won’t want to close my eyes in fear of waking up one day and realizing you are nothing but a dream.

I will choose to fall in love with you and you will have no idea why.

The kindness and generosity you will show me, all those small but amazing things you will give me — they will be a few of the many reasons why I will choose to fall for you.

Having you in my life will be something I will never expect. It’s all going to be new to me. I have never had anyone who has been willing to love me without asking anything in return. In the past, I have always been that woman who would give everything for love because that has been what people I have been with have always expected me to do.

And when our paths finally cross while I still crawl in the dark looking for the light, I won’t really know what to do. I will no longer want to be that person who used to overcompensate for the sake of love. I have always wanted to give all of me without anyone asking me to, and I have always known it is not right because it sabotages what is supposed to be an “us.”

I won’t know what to do, and so I will do what I have always been doing— I will give you everything and will expect you to return the favor.

I know that it isn’t supposed to be like that, but it is going to be hard for me to adjust. I know you are going to be different, but I will make you look like the other people I have been with. When I look at you, I will see those people’s shadows and I will start feeling the same old heartache I felt when they left.

You will to me without the intention to stay, and yet you will stay.

You will stay with me without me asking you to. And I will never imagine you to be the one who will break me back into tiny pieces, and leave me in a heartbeat.

I will choose you every day because I know that you are going to choose me, too.

Darling, Don’t Look For the Right Love In All The Wrong Places

I got fake people showin’ fake love to me
Straight up to my face

Darling, there you are again, running in circles, going back and forth to where people left your heart broken. You drop it, you pick it back up. Someone leaves it shattered into pieces, and you keep looking for every part of your broken heart and keep putting them back to where they used to be.

Darling, your heart is not a puzzle that anyone can keep disassembling and reassembling every now and then. Your heart is a precious piece of diamond, crafted in perfection. You need to see yourself as something that’s worth living for.

 

I can tell that love is fake
I don’t trust a word you say

Darling, it is nobody’s fault. You love who you want to love. Your heart beat for anyone it wants to beat for. But you need to be wiser, after all the big mistakes you have made in your life. By now, you should be able to see which one is real and who is faking it.

Darling, you are solid magic. You have a pure heart that ellicits light and goes through another’s heart. You love because you know that loving is living. There is nothing wrong about you. There is nothing wrong about loving the wrong person. What’s wrong is letting yourself love the wrong person over and over and over again, when you should have been giving your heart a break, for it to heal and for your self-love to grow.

Darling, for every mistake you have done, I know that you learn more. I know that sometimes you think about shutting your heart down forever, but you still wonder what it would feel like to actually be able to finally have the right person to love you and live with you forever. And that — that, darling, is precious. You are real — your heart does not stop pumping until you find that one person who will make it skip a beat and jump out of your chest.

Darling, I know that you don’t believe in forever…that you would rather believe in the promise of “always,” because you are the type of person who don’t believe in “til death do us part“, but will do her best to always love that person.

Darling, there are people out there who see the best in you. You are not alone. Stop waiting for that one person to recognize your worth. Stop being with anyone who makes you feel down all the time or that person who does not see your full potential. Stop spending your time on someone who will never see you the way you want him to. Stop waiting for that person who does not spend a single second to even remember you. Darling, stop looking for the right love in all the wrong places.

The right one does not live in places you are currently lurking in. The right place is where you let your love grow. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are very smart. You are extremely talented. You should be proud of yourself. You’ve come a long way to let people mistreat you and take you for granted.

Darling, you love and you are loved. For every moment you feel like breaking down, just know that your heart still beats and that the pain you feel, no matter how many times they keep coming back, they will always be temporary. And remember that in every heartache, there will always be hope and optimism to start over again.

~ Diana, A Letter to Myself


Inspiring song for you by Alessia Cara – Scars To You, Beautiful

She just wants to be beautiful
She goes unnoticed, she knows no limits,
She craves attention, she praises an image,
She prays to be sculpted by the sculptor
Oh she don’t see the light that’s shining
Deeper than the eyes can find it
Maybe we have made her blind
So she tries to cover up her pain, and cut her woes away
‘Cause covergirls don’t cry after their face is made

But there’s a hope that’s waiting for you in the dark
You should know you’re beautiful just the way you are
And you don’t have to change a thing
The world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful

She has dreams to be an envy, so she’s starving
You know, “Covergirls eat nothing.”
She says, “Beauty is pain and there’s beauty in everything.”
“What’s a little bit of hunger?”
“I could go a little while longer,” she fades away
She don’t see her perfect, she don’t understand she’s worth it
Or that beauty goes deeper than the surface

So to all the girls that’s hurting
Let me be your mirror, help you see a little bit clearer
The light that shines within

Someday Somewhere, You Will Find Yourself

Someone told me that the person you will love more and the person who will love you more are not always the same person. If you ever have to choose between the two, always choose the one who loves you more. As time will go by and you, as a woman, have the innate capacity to learn to love that person as much as he will love you

But there is more to life than finding someone to love or someone to love you. You just need to remember that…

Someday somewhere, someone will find you and that person will turn your life upside down. You will never be asked and be forced to change anything in yourself, but you will be a better person. You will learn to love and be loved without expecting too much or anything in return. You will forget any bad experiences that happened in the past, and you will learn to forgive people you have never thought you could forgive.

Everything will be easy with this person. Everything you thought you have always wanted, you won’t want anymore, and everything you have never aspired to have will be your greatest achievement. You might not even recognize it at first. But… Someday somewhere, you and that person will stumble upon each other’s existence and you will want to be together for as long as you both breathe.

Maybe that person will spill coffee on your shirt, accidentally like your Instagram photo, unconsciously swipe you right and you will match. Maybe that person will be doing the same thing as you, maybe you will be in a grocery store and you will run out of cash, but he will be there next to you in line to save you.

Maybe you have already met. Maybe he was your playmate back in kindergarten, maybe he was a high school heartthrob who always walked past you and ignored you because your hair was crazy and you looked unnoticeable. Maybe you also ignored that person that one time he asked you for directions because you thought he was creepy. Who knows?

Someday somewhere, you will realize that there is more to life than finding someone to love and someone to love you. Life is not all about getting sad for being alone on Valentine’s Day or having no one to kiss on New Year’s Eve.

There is more to life and that includes focusing on yourself, having a positive attitude, and learning to see and accept when things, feelings and people are unreal.

Someday somewhere, you will not only find someone to love you and someone to love, you will find yourself, and that is precious.

Make This World A Happier Place By Actually Being In It

Sometimes I feel like I was not made for this world. And sometimes I wish there was another planet dedicated for me to live by myself. Sounds lonely, but I do think I’ll be happier and relaxed. I won’t have anything to think about besides my survival.

The thing is, I always think more about other people than I think about myself. I always want myself to be happy, of course, but making other people is much more a priority to me. I want people around me to be happy so I can be happy.

I am that kind of person who won’t stop until you give me a smile. If I knew something was wrong, I will make sure it gets fixed right away. I do think that I care too much about others more than I care for myself. It may be good and bad at the same time. Good for others, bad for me — because I have the tendency to disregard how I feel for the sake of other people.

I don’t want thinking the whole day or night, but when I know that someone is not happy somewhere, I won’t stop trying to figure out how to make that person feel better.

I wish everyone will be happier, despite every bad thing that happens on a daily basis. I know that we can’t stop chaos because it is an inevitable and a natural phenomenon, but we shouldn’t live through it, we should get past it. I tell myself to be happy every day. I pray for the people I care about to always have the happiness they deserve.

I know that sometimes things can be a little too much. I have had my share of bad experiences. I get anxious and feel overwhelmed easily. I always think I am weird and I am bad at keeping a connection with other people. And the worst is, I am the WORST when I start liking someone. But I also always tell myself that everything happens, not for a reason, but just because life happens and that’s about it. You just have to keep going, and make the world happier by living in it.

I know people always say you should be happy first before you try to make other people happy. But the thing is, when you know you have made someone happier, you feel a bit better about yourself. And that is what I want. Making people happy will make you feel more fulfilled and accomplished. But you shouldn’t just say it or wish for them to be happy, you have to actually do it and show them how.