So here I am again, ten months later. Ten months after I have met someone I thought was different from all the guys I had been with in the past. Of course, after every breakup, you’d think you made another mistake, and you blame yourself for putting yourself in another heartbreak.
But no, I didn’t blame myself this time. I thought that I made a mistake, but after a while, I came to realize that it wasn’t a mistake as I had learned more from it than from my previous relationships.
I had been with several people. Some were younger than me, one was the same age as me, and one was a lot older than I am. After dating these guys, I realized that maturity isn’t really based on how old or young a person is.
At first, I was excited to date a guy older than I was because I had always wanted to be with someone who had the same level of maturity as I was. At 24, my family and friends kept telling me I got the mindset of a 28-year-old. I had always seen myself as an old soul. I liked surrounding myself and hanging out with people older than me. I liked talking and acting like an adult, and I felt like I connected more with older people. And so, I felt connected with this older guy.
I had been on a search for my male version. When I saw the last man I was with for the first time, I thought that he was my male counterpart. He was funny, vibrant, humorous, a free spirit…but I failed to recognize that he wasn’t an old soul at all. He may had been mature in some areas, but he still had the mindset of a mid-twenties man. He only thought of what benefited him and what was convenient for him. He cared for me, but only because it made him feel better about himself. I felt kind of used, but when I thought about it, I may had also used him for my emotional being. It wasn’t great of course, since I depended my happiness on him in some ways, and I knew how unhealthy it was for both of us.
I didn’t expect to have a very unhealthy attachment to an older guy. I thought that if I was with an older guy, he would be mature enough to have a relationship with me. I wanted a relationship that would make me feel safe and secure, and he couldn’t give me that because he wasn’t sure of what he wanted. In his early thirties, you’d think he would already know what he wanted in life. But he didn’t, and that was what I didn’t want to put up with for the rest of my life.
I was kind of happy that he was the one who left me. I would have had a hard time leaving him.
And I am happy that he is with somebody new now. I hope that he is able to figure himself out and finally know what he wants in life.
I do still believe in love. But my perception of dating people according to their age has kind of changed now. I thought I’d prefer dating older guys, but I also realized that even some adults don’t think and act like adults, and there are younger people who think older than actual adults (although some live up to their age).
I have come to a point in my life where I believe no one is actually good for me. I have always wanted someone to love me right. I don’t want to be loved for what I deserve, but to be loved the way I want to be loved. I have been with people who either loved me too much, or loved me less than I needed. I want the right amount of love, and clearly, I don’t think every one can make a distinction nowadays.