How To Be Successful Without Being Rich

 Oftentimes when you think of success, you think of money. And when you think of money, you think of people who are financially and economically blessed like Bill Gates or the late Steve Jobs or anyone who has produced something that has helped your country’s or the world’s economy.

When you think of success, you think of fame. You think of celebrities like Justin Bieber or Taylor Swift. You think of anyone who seems to be doing great at what almost everyone is dreaming to do.

When you think of success, you think of luxury. And when you think of luxury, you think of people who live their life to the fullest doing and getting things they can afford like the Kardashians and people who were born with silver spoon in their mouths.

But success isn’t always measured by how much you already have or how popular you have already become. It is not about having so much or being able to afford everything you want.

Think of the people in your life who have lots of money. Most of them seem to be living their life, posting photos of things they have, places they visit, and people they socialize with. But how many of them actually live happily and satisfyingly? How many live horribly and unhappily? You will never know.

You will only know once you hear it in the news that one of them has committed suicide by hanging themselves, or by drowning themselves in alcohol or overdosing themselves on drugs. That’s when you realize that not every thing you know based on a superficial level is actually what’s going on in real life.

So if you asked me, are all rich people actually successful?

My answer would be a no. Not all rich people are.

Success, for me, is more than numbers. SUCCESS IS A FEELING. It is actually measured by how evolved you are as a person and how you still ache for yourself to continuously evolve. It is about being able to use the excess that you have for good purposes. It is about being happy and content with what you have, but not stopping there. It is about having the urge to discover things, to learn, to grow.

Now if you asked me if I feel successful, my answer would be a YES.

I feel successful minus the numbers.

I feel successful because I feel surrounded by high-frequency people. I have stopped surrounding myself with low-frequency ones for a long period of time and started spending more time and effort with the ones who actually add more value to my life. These people I am referring to are mostly my family and my trusted friends.

I feel successful because I am doing the things I enjoy doing. I have stopped eating crappy food all the time and started doing high-quality activities. Currently, I am working remotely as a full-time social media manager and a business development manager. Sometimes when I am feeling lazy (and you’re allowed to be lazy), I work from my bed. And sometimes when I am feeling more productive, I am that girl you see with her MacBook in a coffee shop.

I feel successful because I can work at anytime, anywhere. And on my free time, I can do whatever I want. I usually work and get productive at night. I work from nine in the evening until four in the morning, with lots of small breaks in between. When I finish my work, I prepare myself and go for a run. I do that three times a week. And on the days I don’t feel like doing anything strenuous, I plan to get out of the city and visit my grandmother.

I feel successful because I have started getting rid of the things that I do not need anymore and stopped adding or owning things that aren’t actually important. In the beginning, I had a hard time practicing a minimalist life. But now, I can live every day with just my computer, my phone, some basic things I need and nothing more. I moved in with my friends in Manila a month ago, and all I have with me are one handbag containing my clothes and a backpack where I keep my computer and all my necessities.

In other words, I feel successful because I feel like I am living a balanced life. I work from home some days, then work outside where I can get free wifi on other days. I do physical activities three times a week and then do nothing physically tiring for the rest of the week. I eat healthy food and then I treat myself with something unhealthy (like fast food haha) after. I hustle and chill on weekdays and go party or socialize with friends on the weekends.

Success is like…never stopping yourself from improvement and never staying away from opportunities.

I’ve learned in the past few months that networking or socializing with new people every day actually helps you a lot in establishing your career. Had I not realized it, I would still be working part-time for small companies right now. But thanks to the amazing woman I met from the Rise Conference in Hong Kong last July, I was able to put myself out there and introduce myself to people who I know would play a very important role in my career.

Now, I have been receiving lots of offers from big companies, both local and international. I have also been getting brand sponsorships and collaborations. In short, career wise, I am doing really well and I will keep doing well. I crave to be more evolved so I could focus on the more important things and people in my life.

I have come close to living with my values and ideals and it feels amazing. I feel happier now. I feel more present with the people I love dearly. I spend my time better and I am focusing on achieving more goals and pursuing more dreams. I feel more resilient when it comes to taking challenges. I feel like I am living at a frequency higher than what I have before.

To feel successful, you have to be more focused on high-quality living. It doesn’t mean you have to live a luxurious life. It means being able to easily spot mediocrity and stay away from it. It means not spending your time with just about anyone anymore, but choosing the right people to share your precious time with. It means not eating anything on the table just because it is there in front of you but picking what goes into your body because you know that your body naturally ages and not everything you eat can be beneficial to it.

Living a high-quality life means being smart financially and emotionally. It is cutting back on spending your money on things that don’t last long or cutting back on spending your time on relationships that don’t allow you to grow. It means investing in something that you know will improve your life in the future. Your values and your relationships must always be both high qualities. Your everyday life should always only involve the things that you highly value.

Doing these things and following these principles, I admit, are difficult. It takes a while for you to be able to live with momentum and balance. But if you take it one step at a time, I am pretty sure, you will get to it. You don’t need lots of money to feel successful. You don’t need to live beyond your means just to show people you have everything you could ever want. You don’t need to pretend to be well-off when you know you have debts you haven’t paid. If there’s anything I am proud of about myself, it is the fact that even though I am not rich, I don’t have any debts. People can continuously mock me and tell me I am unsuccessful because I cannot afford the stuff they can. But here’s the thing, I always live within my means and make sure I only get what I can afford. And when I want something but I cannot afford it, I hustle more until I can get it.

And that, my lovelies, is how you can feel successful, like me, even though other people think you are not because you’re not rich. 😛

Experience Authentic Filipino Dining at Mesa, Ayala Malls the 30th

Over a week ago, I was lucky enough to get invited by a friend of mine to a food tasting event at a newly-opened restaurant serving Filipino cuisine at the Ayala Mall the 30th in Ortigas. The restaurant is called Mesa. If you’re a Filipino or if you’ve been staying in the Philippines for a while, this restaurant must already be familiar with you.

I do believe the name Mesa has something to do with the Tagalog word “mesa” which means “table” in English. I have heard about Mesa so many times from my friends before, but I haven’t actually gotten the chance to go and try their food. Friends and families who have tried them would always recommend them and give positive reviews about them.

I am not so sure about how many outlets they have in the Philippines, but according to one of the owners of the outlet we went to, the one at Ayala Malls the 30th is actually the 30th outlet. How amazing is that?

The Crowd

As I have said, it was a food tasting event, which means a few select bloggers and influencers were there to try the majority of the food they serve. It was a very fun experience for me since I got to mingle with my other blogger friends again and the food was actually amazing.

The photo above shows all the bloggers and influencers who were invited to the food tasting event.

It’s always a great experience when you do fun things with fun people. In the photos above, you can see how happy and excited we were to try all the food that was served.

The Food

Here’s a list of the food that was served for us:

  • Tinapa roll
  • Crispy boneless tilapia w/ 4 sauces
  • Suahe on the rocks
  • Boneless Patatim
  • Crispy boneless Pata
  • Pinatayong Manok
  • Kare Kare beef and tripe
  • Laing
  • Bagoong rice
  • Sisig

One of my favorites is the Tinapa Roll wrap with lettuce (the photo shown above). It costs P155 which is surprisingly cheap, in my opinion. This wrap includes flaked smoked fish, tomatoes, and salted egg inside. It was really good, especially when dipped in vinegar with lots of onions and other spices.

 

My next favorite would be Suahe on the rocks (the photo above). I loved that they steam the shrimps in front of you. They placed the Suahe in a bowl with boiling water and rocks. Then, they covered the bowl to cook the shrimps. In the photo above, you could see the bloggers in action, taking photos and videos of what was happening.

I would love to share more photos with you. However, these are all the ones I have for now. I was too much in the moment so much so that taking lots of photos of each food that was served was no longer in my mind. I am very happy I was able to try everything despite my lack of experience with food tasting. I am really hoping that this short post would give you some ideas in case you wish to try Filipino food when you’re in Manila or anywhere in the Philippines.

Here are some details you can take note of:

Mesa Ayala Malls the 30th
Like Mesa FB page: facebook.com/mesa30th
Follow them on TWITTER: twitter.com/mesa30thayalamall
Follow them on INSTAGRAM: instagram.com/mesa30th

You may Contact for reservation or inquiries: 955-1736 or 0995 2303061
Email Addressmesathe30th@gmail.com

That Moment I Fell in Love with BeautyMNL

I've never heard of BeautyMNL before. It was just three weeks ago when I received an email letting me know of its grandiose existence. And since then, I have seen my blogger friends talk about it one-by-one on Instagram and on their respective websites.

What really caught my attention though is their mobile app. Usually, online beauty shops just have their own website, with which you have to visit on your web browser and keep loading pages, while for some, you still have to send them a DM to give them your orders. So much hassle!

The Mobile App

So the first thing I did was to download and install their app on my phone. It only took a few minutes to install and create my user account.

The mobile app was very user friendly. I love the clean, white background and the font is so simple.

On the account page, I could easily edit my settings, check my orders and even buy credits for my future purchases.

On the homepage, I could see their products that were on sale, and some of their featured products. This was where I discovered one of the products I bought from them for the first time!

I also loved that the homepage contained categories such as hair care, skin care, makeup, local finds, organic, accessories and many more. This makes it so much easier for anyone to find what they are looking for.

They also have their own web magazine called "Bloom" which you can also find in their app. It contains many useful articles about skin care, hair care and all about beauty. You can refer to these articles if you wanted some tips.

You should definitely check out my top three articles:

🔻Watch: 5 Skincare Mistakes that Oily Girls Make
🔻The 5 Best Cleansing Balms for Easy Makeup Removal
🔻Exactly What to Do to Stay Fresh on a Flight

I personally picked these articles due to the fact that I got oily skin and really need to know what I could do with it. I also had problems choosing the right makeup remover before, but now I have found the best product that fits me — a balm! And lastly, you guys know I like to travel every month, right? If you're like me, you should definitely learn how to take care of your skin when you're on a flight especially when it's a long-haul flight.

Furthermore, BeautyMNL's app also includes a page for brands that are listed alphabetically. This makes it easier for anyone to find specific brands that they like. This was where I looked for my favorites.

Just like any other online shops, the app also includes a page where you can see all the products you have wish listed.

If I had to rate their mobile app, I would definitely give it a five-star or a 10/10 rating.

My Purchases

For my first purchases, I just wanted to test a few products and see how fast the transaction would be.

🔻Concealer Jar (Medium) by Nyx Professional Makeup

This concealer is considered to be heavy-duty and it comes with a wide range of color correcting shades. The shades includes fair, porcelaine, light, beige, medium, glow, tan, nutmeg, orange, yellow, lavender, and green. How cool is that? I chose the medium shade for myself because I think it's what suits my facial skin color.

What I like about this product is that it's cream-based and it provides full coverage. I have already tried it and it perfectly covered my blemishes and neutralized my under eye dark circles. It is definitely great for daily use.

🔻Fit Me Matte Foundation 228 Soft Tan by Maybelline

Next, I got Maybelline's latest foundation in 228 Soft Tan shade. This is a liquid foundation that gives a perfect seamless matte finish. It's very lightweight and is easy to blend even when you just use your fingers to blend it.

It's also great for either normal or oily skin. As I said, mine is oily, so when I tried it, I really liked how it turned out.

🔻Magic Oil Control Primer by Dearberry

It's been a long time that I've been searching for the best primer that suits me. And finally, I found the perfect one! At first, I was skeptical but then I thought, I should give it a try.

Dearberry's magic oil control primer provides a very flawless base for makeup application. It's soooooo smooth, I keep on applying them just to feel the smoothness over and over again! It leaves a shine-free and silky finish which makes my makeup last very long. Ever since I started using it, I have been feeling like my skin is so soft and smooth all the time. It also perfectly minimizes all my pores.

Transaction

After I chose the products I wanted to purchase, the transaction went by so fast. They had different modes of payment including bank (credit/debit) card payments, COD in Metro Manila and PayPal.

I was so happy I could pay via PayPal! I have many credits there that I haven't used so I was really glad I could finally use them. It makes the transaction so much easier and faster!

Shipping

I was out of the country when I shopped but according to my family, the package came in after four days. Not bad for someone living outside Manila.

The Verdict

It was such an amazing shopping experience. It made me feel like I was at Sephora but only online! Haha. And the products are really great and super stellar. I love that I can find Korean products on their shop as well. I would definitely shop from BeautyMNL again!

My Face Using the Three Products I Purchased

What do you guys think? Have you ever shopped with them before? If not, you definitely should!

10 Spots to Take Cool Instagram Photos in Puerto Princesa

Check out all these photos I had when I visited Puerto Princesa! They’re definitely Instagram worthy!

01 Baker’s Hill

02 Ugong Rock Cave

Too high to reach 🏔 #puertoprincesa #palawan #nature #beauty #cave #adventure #travel #travelgram #philippines

A post shared by Diana Marcos 🇵🇭🇭🇰 (@thedianamarcos) on

03 Palaw-an Tribal Village

04 Cowrie Island

05 Sabang Beach

06 Luli Island

Good morning, Luli Island! ♡

A post shared by Diana Marcos 🇵🇭🇭🇰 (@thedianamarcos) on

07 Pristine Beach

08 Rancho Mitra

09 Crocodile Farm

10 Butterfly Farm

 

Follow me on Instagram for more!

The Formula for Happiness

What makes you truly happy? How do you find happiness on your own and never depend it on people?

I have been asking a few select people this question for days now, and no one has given me a definite answer yet.

For me, the love I get from people around me is what fuels my happiness. I am not talking about the romantic kind of love. People make mistakes by thinking that romantic love is the only thing that could make someone infinitely happy. I am talking about love in its purest form — love you never have to ask or beg for, and love that comes out naturally.

I have met so many people in my life who have told me I should not depend my happiness on something as abstract as love. My thought? I think they are hypocrites pretending to look tough in front of people, making them feel as though they do not need love to feed their heart and soul.

A friend of mine sent me a message earlier telling me that he has been thinking about my question and couldn’t come up with a good answer yet.

I can only think of one factor that hinders people from answering my question.

Acceptance.

Sometimes people do not accept the fact that love does make the world go round. It does move mountains. It does cross oceans and traverse fault lines. I cannot blame them though. Unrequited love is often times the culprit. Sometimes people think no one would ever love them and that they would never be truly happy because of that.

Imagine me — as a woman full of love, a woman who loves dearly and is loved deeply in return. You will never see me get sad nor get angry. You will know I am happy even without smiling, and once I curve my lips upward, it will illuminate the entire sky. And that is because of the love that has been constantly feeding me happiness.

But life doesn’t always work that way, and everyone is different. We have different ways of coping and finding our own happiness.

What is amazing about love is that when it gives you infinite happiness, it spreads all through out like an infectious disease of a good kind. The thing is, when the love dies down, the happiness steams off as well.

And this is what people forget to take into account when looking for the things that make them happy. We put in so much effort to make sure there is love because we know how it greatly influences how we feel, but once love and happiness cease to exist, we just let them disappear like a balloon slowly deflating into the sky.

I am not ashamed to admit that without love, I will never be truthfully happy. Without love, I find it hard to get inspired and motivated. I think that this applies to everyone, but of course, only a few will admit.

I know so many people, most of them are close to me, who will never accept this fact. Tell me, doesn’t your family’s love make you happy? How would you feel if you had no family and no friends who would always remind you that you were loved? Will you find eternal happiness from your degree? Your job? Your new clothes? That girl or guy in your bed whose name you cannot remember?

I don’t think so. Maybe you could, but you would probably end up always trying to find that missing happiness in your life — that happiness only your family and your friends could fill.

Happiness isn’t about being selfish and learning to love yourself. It is abou

t being selfless and appreciating the love that people give you even when you think you don’t need it.

As early as now, accept and appreciate the love that people around you shower you for it is what has been fueling your soul without you knowing.

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I AM: Afterthought

I am just an afterthought
A mess you clean up in the morning
When you wake up
And find me splattered around your body
A scar, a trace of lipstick
You cannot wait to wipe off
I am a toy you play around for a while
And leave for another once I depreciate
Only good for a couple of nights
A commodity — an optional object of affection
The entity that satisfies your tongue
When you feel like getting drunk again
With the heat between my legs
and in the warmth of my giving arms
You come to me with the mission to navigate
And the intention to depart thereafter.


Author’s Note: I Am is a new poetry series following Senses I and II. I Am is all about the Self and its representations. I hope you enjoy reading this series as much as you did with Senses. Thank you!

When I Asked You If You Loved Me

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by Diana Marcos

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When I asked you if you loved me,
you turned your back and refused to face me
“Of course, I do,” that was what you said
But I never knew what was going on in your head.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I was hoping you would say the words immediately
But you just smiled at me with your captivating caramel eyes
And I could not decipher whether or not they were just expressing lies.

When I asked you if you loved me,
you walked a few steps away from me,
You looked at me with disappointment
When all I wanted was acknowledgement.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I was confused with the response you gave me
You planted a kiss on top of my head
You squeezed my body under the sheets in your bed.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I asked not because I believed you didn’t
I knew you did, but I wanted to be reminded
But all you believed in was that you weren’t trusted.

When I asked you if you loved me,
I didn’t foresee that you would leave me,
With all the happy memories you had shared with me
I never knew you had the capacity to forget me that quickly.

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II Senses VII: Coffee Shop

And I will remember youeverywhere I go —

Your taste, your scent.

Your breath, your lips

pressed on my neck.

Your touch, your stare

will forever linger in the air.

A memory of you

A memory of me right next to you.

A memory of us sitting silently

in a coffee shop.

Not talking to each other,

but holding each other’s hands

Savoring every moment

Without saying a single word.

Just you.

Just us.

Just you and I.

Work in Progress

I am not a work of art, but I am a work in progress.

You may see the slight curve of my lips exposing my almost-perfect teeth on my face or the twinkling of my eyes when you stare at me and how my cheeks swell up due to the way you make me feel, but you will never see what I try to hide within the restraints of my own physical body. It is continuously burning, melting, yearning for your love, understanding and acceptance — something you have difficulty to offer.

I barricaded my heart with the memories of you, of us, of the moments we shared together. You may call me silly for always hoping and wishing that someday, somewhere down the road, our paths will cross once again, and you will sweep me off my feet and take me back into your arms…where you lead me to bed just to lay down with me for hours…just to feel my body pressed against yours, just to squeeze my little body even when I cannot breathe so you can be sure I am not going anywhere.

And I didn’t go anywhere.

Because you left me.

And that’s okay.

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II Senses VI: Cold Sheets

An empty bed found under cold sheets

the comfort I feel

does not compare to what you give me

when you lay underneath.

A heart is frozen

within these covers,

and only you can make it warm

with your presence

and the love you shower.

A heart is lonely

inside its parameters,

and only you can heat up

the ice that numbs it

and stops  it from beating.

If these sheets could talk

I would ask them to tell you

how much I long for you

to touch every inch

of me.

If only these sheets could walk,

I want them to go straight

to where you are

so you could feel

me within your arms.

Once again,

my love.

Only for tonight.

 

Start to End

There is nothing more

I can say to you

than to tell you how much

I am proud of you.

You make me happy

But can’t you see?

We’re not meant to be

Everything is just too much for me.

I’d like to continue

Whatever we have

But I don’t know where to start

nor I know where to end.

If it’s going to end

I better start now

I’m sorry, my love

But I gotta do it somehow.

II Senses III: Never Hold Back

 

Put your hands
on my chest,
dig your nails
and crush my legs,
feel my clavicle
then leave a trace,
curse my name
with so much grace
Always remember
you are my thunder —
you can get mad
and you can get loud,
you can attack,
just never hold back.

Open Letter: Just Let Them Go


 

How many times have you blamed yourself for whatever happened to people you used to care about? Has this helped you feel better in any way? I sure am not. Hence, instead of constantly blaming yourself for a failed relationship or friendship, it would be better for you to just let go. Let go of people. Let go of yourself. Let go of your feelings. But when do you know it is time to let go and which people do you need to disassociate yourself with?

WHO TO LET GO

01 That person who ONLY talks to you when s/he needs something from you.

Sometimes you meet someone and at first, things go really well between the two of you…until you notice that you have started talking to each other less and less. And one day, this person comes to you and asks you for help. Of course, being the good person that you are, you will help him/her, and s/he goes on with his/her life once again.

02 That person who only talks about himself/herself.

This person does not ask about you after you ask her how his/her day has been. This is the person who does not ask for your opinion or reaction right after s/he shares his/hers and would go on talking until s/he can’t say anything anymore.

03 That person who only listens so s/he could talk, or that friend who doesn’t listen at all.

Yes, s/he listens to you, but only because s/he wants to say something about it. Sometimes, s/he even pretends to listen and becomes impatient and hurry you up, so s/he could finally share his/her thoughts.

04 That person who only sees you as a rebound friend, manipulates you and guilt-trips you.

S/he only knows you when his/her other friends are not around,and s/he tries to manipulate you to get what s/he wants. S/he constantly asks for your attention when  no one is giving it to him/her, and would guilt-trip you when s/he is not getting anything from you.

05 That person who only remembers you during the bad times.

I mean…it is very nice to think that someone remembers you during their bad days, but if they are only there with you because they know you would help them feel better, is that still a good thing? Definitely not. This person would surely forget you exist once their bad days are over.

06 That person who only sees your bad qualities and does not recognize the good things you have done.

There are people who always see the best in you, while there are also some who only remember you for your bad qualities. Everyone has their own dark side, but if a person only sees the bad in you, and does not recognize that you also have good qualities, then you will just spend your life trying to figure out why this person does not see you the way others do.

07 That person whose behavior changes according to people s/he is with.

We cannot avoid meeting and interacting with someone whose behavioral acts differ according to the people they are with. One time, they are so good around you, and the next time they are with another group of people, they change, and they treat you a bit differently.

08 That person who forgets to invite you.

There is nothing more painful than not being invited to a party, an outing, an event or even to dinner by someone you expect to be your friend. It makes you feel like you are just an option and your presence does notreally matter that much.

09 That person who doesn’t bother to call when you are sick or when you are in a terrible situation.

This person wouldn’t dare to call because s/he doesn’t care whether or not you are coping up well or not.

10 That person who does not care whether or not you let go of him/her.

It is hard to accept, but there are people who do not see our importance in their lives. If you do not matter to someone, then s/he wouldn’t care whether or not you stay or leave.

At first, you will of course try your best to work things out, but if it doesn’t work out and you’re the only one trying to make an effort, then have a little respect for yourself and open your eyes to the fact that it is not going to work out anymore.

Letting go of these kinds of people are sometimes the best thing one can do. It may make you look selfish and insensitive, but you have to remember that before you have to offer your love and trust to people, you have to trust and love yourself first. You have to focus on what makes you happy, and remember not to give everything, as it may just cause you pain in the long run.

Don’t ever blame yourself for a failed relationship. Don’t be so hard on yourself. People come and go, and it isn’t your fault. Sometimes people have to leave because it is for the best.

When your relationship or your friendship is no longer growing, but is slowly going down the drain instead, and you can no longer do anything to work it out, letting go is sometimes the better option than staying and letting the relationship ruin each of you.

When you decide to let go of the people that once meant so much to you, sometimes you won’t help but feel guilty. You feel guilty for letting things get in the way. You’d also probably feel like a loser because you are choosing to give up.

But no…giving up doesn’t always make you a loser. It makes you a winner because you have the courage and strength to let go of something that was very important to you, but doesn’t see your importance.

You have to remember that you are one special piece of snowflake, and you, just like everyone else, deserve better.


 

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Enamorarse

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Enamorada —
I am a woman in love —
in love with so many things:
the moon
the sun
the stars that make up
the galaxies
the constellations
the universe.
I am in love
with the beauty of life —
the evening air
the breeze that comes
from the waves in the ocean
the mist, the cold
the droplets of excess water
that fall down
from the leaves of pine trees.
I am in love
with the way the sun
burns my skin
in the summer,
with the sound
of birds singing above
the imaginary wires that
connect me to you,
with the smell
of freshly-cut roses.
I am in love
with music,
with movements,
with people
with you
I am a woman in love —
For you, enamorado
I will always be.

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II Senses II: Craving

 

I crave for
a love
I have never
felt before;
for a smile
no one
could ever ignore;
for a touch
only your
hands could
make;
for warm,
tight squeezes
for goodnight kisses
for morning greetings
for your body
pressed
against my back
every sunset
every sunrise
I crave
for you to crave
for me
the way plants
crave for sunlight
during rainy season
the way nightwalkers
wait for the sun
to move down
the horizon
during the
summer solstice —
strong,
impatient,
vulnerable,
yet intense.

All That I’ve Got

I need something else

Would someone please just give me

Hit me, knock me out

And let me go back to sleep

— All That I’ve Got – The Used
My mornings usually start with looking at my phone and finding a message from my sister, and my nights usually end with another message from her reminding me how much she loves and misses me. She does this even at times I don’t get a chance to respond to her.

I have always thought that my sister is the most misunderstood member in our family. Our dad’s family has always seen her as the black sheep, psycho granddaughter, niece, daughter, cousin and sister. They think of her as someone who shouldn’t be imitated, despite the praises they give her for being so smart in school.

I remember them reminding me not to be like her. I remember myself reassuring them I won’t, although in my mind, I know that my sister is the best and I am very proud of her.

I could not blame our relatives for calling her a black sheep and for seeing her that way. She has always been the one who goes against rules when she knows that these rules violate her right as a person. I think I may have gotten that attitude from her.

My sister has a personality disorder, and she has been through a lot of traumatic events in her life. She has suffered more than I have, yet she remains to be my strength. I couldn’t be any more proud of having her as my sister. I get anxious and really depressed every single second but every time she tells me she loves me, I feel a whole lot better.

It’s a little bit funny because I know how often she gets depressed, yet she always seems so happy every time she texts me or calls me on the phone. In fact, she always sounds so cheerful and enthusiastic. I admire her ability to cover what she really feels deep inside her. I know her too well. I know she has negative thoughts and that she has still been fighting off her demons. She is doing a really good job in hiding it.

I have to admit that behind these self-strength posts I always write is an anxious and depressive woman who continuously tries to battle all the things that makes her feel bad about herself.

Every day, just like what my sister does, I do my best to be the better version of myself. I try to smile, to laugh, and to think of myself as a strong person. Sometimes I fail, but every time I do, I think of my sister and remember how she, herself, has done her best to be better, to think positively and to be happy despite every thing.

I know that we’re not perfect. We make stupid mistakes, but these mistakes help us learn and grow day by day. My sister doesn’t have to remind me to learn from her, but I do remember how she never lets her past hinder her from being the amazing person that she is.

Sometimes, we learn from our mistakes. Sometimes, we learn from others. Sometimes, we grow on our own. Sometimes, we grow with others. ❤️

I’ll be just fine

Pretending I’m not

I’m far from lonely

And it’s all that I’ve got.

Five Non-Physical Things One Needs to Get Rid of As A Minimalist

I just disposed my no-longer-working computer today. It has served me great seven years, and I am glad I have maximized its use really well. As I type these words on my aunt’s computer, Pretty Girl is showing on the TV, and I am sitting down with a cup of decaffeinated coffee in my left hand, my legs fully covered in the long skirt my grandmother gave me earlier today. It is a long flowy skirt that covers the entire half-bottom part of my body. I could sleep in it tonight, and not need a blanket or a comforter. While half of my body is fully covered, I only have a bandeau wrapped around my chest. Isn’t it ironic? Well, I like ironic. Ironic is me. I breathe it. I live in it.

While I have been trying to decrease the amount of physical things (mostly clothes) I have, I still couldn’t refuse people when they gift me stuff I think I don’t necessarily need. I still have the loot bag full of goodies my former colleagues gave me when I left my full-time job last month. I haven’t really checked them out yet in fear of just making a clutter around my room.

I tried to write down a few things I need to get rid of today, and while I was having an existential contemplation, I realized that it wasn’t only the material things I have that I need to remove from my life. We also need to cut down on those things that are not obvious to the naked eye.

Five Non-Physical Things You Need to Get Rid Of

01 Pessimism/Negative Vibration

As a minimalist, I think that the very first thing you have to do is to keep an open mind. Hence, it is very important to get rid of all the negativities you have.

I have to admit I have been failing at this area, so I need to think more positively so I could effectively maintain a minimalist life.

02 Worries/Anxieties

The things you worry or get anxious about will only cause you stress, and when you get stressed out, you will surely not be able to carry out things you have to do.

As a very anxious person, I find this very difficult to accomplish. I do, however, try to keep a positive mind, so I know I can do this no matter how hard it is.

03 People

A friend of mine who is also a minimalist explained to me the importance of keeping some people out of your circle. While it is important to meet people, socialize and grow your network, it is also important that those who are in your circle are only those who actually matter.

Sometimes we meet people and we can’t immediately tell whether or not they’re actually who we think they are. Those people who matter are usually those who you think you can be comfortable being with, those you trust and those who trust and respect you back, those who appreciate you and accept you for who you are, and those who love you unconditionally.

04 Bad Attitude/Compulsive Behavior

The one thing that keeps us from people who have naturally good intention for us is a bad attitude and a compulsive behavior. This is because it scares away people, and you may lose the chance of meeting people who will actually serve good purpose in your life.

05 Anger

I think that staying angry at people who have done you wrong, or just being mad for no reason is useless. It will just slow you down.

To be able to get rid of this, you have to try and push yourself to forgive even when you think you will never be able to forget about it.

These are just some of the things I think are very important to focus on, and get rid of as a minimalist. Sometimes we pay more attention to physical things so much so that we overlook and forget the things that we also need to consider.

What non-physical things do you think should be added here? Let me know on the comment section below! ❤️

Fifteen Signs Your Best Friend is the Ultimate Best

There is no perfect way to be a friend. I know because I admit that I am not the most perfect friend, and I may not be the most ideal best friend to anyone.

There are moments in my life when I feel like making friends with everyone I meet, but then I get hesitant about it in fear of not being able to deliver what is expected from me.

I have been thinking about it lately. This may be one of the things that happen when you are out of work for a while. You get to have more time to think of things that didn’t concern you before.

It’s important to have lots of friends, so you will never have to worry about missing out or not being able to keep track of your social life. However, sometimes it can be a bit frustrating, especially when you cannot really distinguish who your actual friends are, and who are just keeping you for their own social benefits. Not all your acquaintances are your friends, and not all the people you call your best friends actually see you the same way. It is something I have learned the hard way.

Let’s say you have a total of 150 personal friends. These friends are the ones you met at the playground when you were younger, in school when you were studying, at work or anywhere in the globe. These are the people you have had actual human interactions with.

Let’s say you have a total of 4,000 Facebook friends, and 11,000 Instagram and Twitter followers. Ten of these people are the ones you consider your best friends, including your mom and dad.

You have the fluctuating amount of people that will ensure you a lifetime of social interaction. Out of the thousands of people you have in your life, there are only three to five people (your family not included) who treat you a bit more differently than an ordinary friend does. These people are your best friends, and it is very important that you recognize these people for keeping you on the loop.

I have to say I am very thankful that I am blessed with the bestest best friends ever. I’ve had so many people I’ve considered my best friends before but things don’t always work out, and it’s alright. Things like that happen because they let us learn and they lead us to the right path.

Fifteen Signs Your Best Friend is Actually the Ultimate Best

01 You have an extraordinary cerebrum connection.

With just one look, you already know what each of you is thinking. So many times you even say the same exact words at the same time because it seems as though your brains are connected.

02 S/he knows what you like and dislike without you having to say it.

S/he pays attention to everything you do and say, and you won’t even notice it. S/he takes mental notes of it, and remembers the things that you like and dislike.

03 S/he understands your mood swings.

Everyone has mood swings, regardless of gender. Your ultimate best friend will understand when you suddenly or randomly lash out at him/her for no reason. S/he knows when you’re just having a bad day, and s/he tries to make you feel better by distracting you and making you forget of what has been causing your moodiness.

04 S/he is as crazy as you.

If you have sporadic mood swings, s/he does, too. And just like him/her, you understand it. Sometimes s/he does and makes you do crazy things, and vice versa. It’s both his/her and your craziness that connects the two of you.

05 S/he constantly annoys you.

Your ultimate best friend is imperfect. S/he doesn’t always make you smile. Sometimes s/he also annoys and bugs you. As his/her ultimate best friend, this doesn’t really bother you at all. Even when s/he keeps distracting you or teasing you at times you don’t need it, you still smile because you know that s/he is just vying for your attention.

06 S/he could be a bit childish.

Even a mature person could be a little bit childish sometimes. When s/he feels like you are starting to forget his/her existence, s/he pretends to throw a fit and makes you feel bad for not giving him/her attention.

07 S/he pretends to be high maintenance, but s/he actually isn’t.

Sometimes s/he makes you feel like s/he is being high maintenance, but she actually isn’t. S/he knows that if you really see him/her as your best friend, s/he doesn’t need to be high maintenance. S/he doesn’t need to be constantly talking to you because s/he knows that you have other priorities, and s/he does, too.

08 S/he cares a lot about you, and knows when something is wrong.

Even when you’re not saying it, s/he could feel when something is wrong. S/he knows you very well that s/he could easily detect when something is disturbing you, or when you don’t feel okay. S/he would annoyingly ask you about it, and won’t stop until you say it.

09 S/he knows when to stay and when to leave you alone.

S/he understands that you need some space sometimes, and so s/he gives you time to think and reflect on your own. However, s/he also knows when to stay even when you insist on being alone. Sometimes s/he knows that when you ask him/her to go, you actually want him/her to stay.

10 S/he doesn’t give up on you.

No matter how many times you put him/her off, and no matter how hard you try to push him/her away, s/he still stays with you and doesn’t leave you behind. S/he knows and understands that sometimes you get depressed and anxious, and all you really need is someone who will never give up on you.

11 S/he doesn’t get insecure, and she doesn’t compete with you.

S/he knows that you and him/her have special characteristics, skills and abilities. S/he doesn’t get insecure or jealous of you, because s/he also knows s/he is special. S/he never tries to compete with you. Maybe sometimes, but it is only so you could both laugh at how crazy you both are for thinking you could compete with each other. Sometimes you will find yourselves telling each other who is better, but end up saying that no one is better than the other, and that you’re actually better together.

12 S/he supports you, and is always proud of you.

Whatever happens, s/he makes it a point to always support you. S/he tells you how happy s/he is for you when something great happens. Sometimes s/he is too proud of you that s/he cannot help but tell the world how amazing you are.

13 S/he shares everything with you for as much as she could.

It could be food, bed and every little secret s/he has. Everything she has could be yours because s/he is confident that you would do the same for him/her. S/he trusts you, and s/he would share anything for as much as s/he has it.

14 S/he sees the best in you.

At times you don’t see anything good about yourself, s/he is there to let you know how amazing you are. S/he sees the best in you, and no matter how many times you feel low, s/he will never think negatively of you.

15 S/he loves you more than you will ever know.

Even when you’re far apart, s/he makes sure that you never forget how much s/he loves you. Even when you don’t talk to each other for a while because you are both busy, when you finally get to talk, it will feel like nothing has changed. The conversation you had last week or last month would feel like it was just yesterday. Sometimes s/he forgets to tell you s/he loves you because s/he’s only human, but you know that s/he does love you, and no words are needed for you to get reminded of it.

This list is pretty subjective, and I only base it on my own experience. Like I said, there is no perfect way to be a friend or a best friend. Your best friend may not have all of these signs, but it does not make them less of a friend. It also does not mean that your best friend is the only one who does these things. Friendship and any relationships is a two-way street, and it requires the people involve to have a reciprocating and harmonious connection.

So I also came up with this:

One Sign You Are the Ultimate Best Friend to Your Ultimate Best Friend

You subconsciously exhibit all of these signs.

A Little Thought on Commitment


 

Sometimes people do not want to commit to you regardless of how much they like you or how good you make them feel.

Sometimes they just suddenly stay away from you or stop loving you further to save themselves from vulnerability. It is simply a selfish and nonsensical reason.

Does the inability to commit yourself to someone you like affect your maturity when it comes to relationships? I am not sure; but I do know that when people cannot commit themselves yet, it reflects their willingness and preparedness to take risks.

They.

Are.

Not.

Yet.

Ready.

When they think they aren’t ready yet, when will they be?

“In time,” they may say.

“In time” may take forever.

When you fall, it just happens. You cannot plan nor set a schedule for it.

It is okay to allow yourself to feel vulnerable sometimes. It shows that you can feel something. It shows that you can feel pain, and that you’re human. It is okay to have someone to make you feel that way. You can love, and you shouldn’t stop yourself from feeling it.

And if someone decides to stay away from you, or stops loving you further because of reasons unknown, it isn’t going to be your fault.

Continue being adorable. You are an awesome-azingly beautiful human being. <3


 

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A Letter to Myself and to Everyone Out There


 

Dear you!

You are my lover, my friend, my family. You are myself, and you are my everything. When everyone else leaves, you are all I have left.

It breaks my heart to see how much you have been struggling with work and your relationship with people lately. I know how hard it could be to be in your shoes, and what gives me more pain is the fact that you think no one can be there for you when you need someone to talk to; and it is sad to know how often you give in to your anxiety every single time..

But this I say to you…

You will be okay.

I believe in your abilities to make yourself feel better on your own. You have lived through the years and you get by every day. I know sometimes you feel like ending all of your problems permanently, but you still choose to live and to love yourself every single day. That is just one proof of how strong you are.

You are strong. You will get through anything.

I know you often think no one will ever love you truthfully. I beg to disagree. Even right from the start, you already have many people adoring and loving you even from afar. I know you think that you would rather be alone than having people around you make you feel isolated.

Do not be scared to burn bridges. Do not be afraid of letting people go. Not everyone you love actually deserves your love; and no matter what negative things they say about you, I want you to stand your ground, and always think of your happiness first. You are allowed to give up on others just as long as you do not give up on yourself.

Do not settle for anyone who makes you question your morals, your values, especially your worth. You know your worth, and you know what makes you genuinely happy. Do not ever compromise your worth and happiness for anyone.

I know, for sure, that one day, someone will come along. S/he will make you feel the love you have been longing to have all over again. Don’t ever hold yourself back the way you did before. Just because you have failed in love so many times in the past doesn’t mean you can never allow yourself to fall again. Just because you have been hurt doesn’t mean you will experience the same exact pain you had.

I want you to never let anyone, not even the people you love the most, affect you so much that you lose control of yourself. Do not let people, the Church and the entire society dictate who you are and who you should be. You have lived without asking major help from anyone because you have always been responsible for yourself. You know what is right and what is wrong.

I know that you commit mistakes and that is inevitable. You are just a human, after all. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop feeling like all you do is wrong. Remember the lessons you always learn from committing your mistakes, and never regret the things you actually wanted to do.

I want you to always fight for what you think is right. Never complain without figuring out whether or not you are in the right position to do so. I want you to open your heart and listen to the people around you without immediately judging them. I want you to be critical all the time without taking away other people’s rights to defend themselves.

I want you to keep being strong, to keep living, to keep doing what you love to do. You are still young, and there are still lots of good things out there waiting for you to notice.

I want you to smile. I want you to give love without asking it back. I want your heart to remain pure.

You will be okay.

You are strong. You will get through anything.


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Be The Amazing Person You Have Always Been

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Be the amazing person you have always been. It is nice to have someone as your role model. Doing so will help you get inspired, and be motivated every single day. But the thing is, it also lets you develop the habit of comparing yourself to other people every now and then, and comparing can be too constricting.

Why compare yourself with someone, when you can just be yourself, do what you gotta do, and be who you want to be, without living under the impression that others are better than you? You are unique. You are special. You don’t have to be like anyone. Be you. Be whoever you want to be without being pressured to be like somebody.

A professor of mine once told me that once you feel low and you feel like comparing yourself with other people, you have to remember that while other people possess something better than you do, you also have something that is considered better than what the others have.

You also have to remember that the people around you are not your enemy. Your real enemy is yourself. You are the one who let other people’s actions and words get in your head. You are the one who let them affect you. Once you learn to recognize that, you will also learn how to free and let go of yourself.

I am writing this not only for everyone, but also for myself. I need to remind myself to always be who I am despite of what people tell me. I need to remember not to let others dictate what I should do, how I should act, and who I should be.

In the past, I had been hurt quite a lot of times by people whose words I used to care about. I had been told I wasn’t good enough, and that I wasn’t pretty enough just like the others. It took me a long time to realize that all the things I lack of are actually the things that make me special.

And right now, I feel blessed and thankful for who and what I am.

I am thankful for having a big, wavy hair that is even bigger than my face. Because of it, I don’t have to worry about losing hair, and I never have to actually comb my hair.

I am thankful for having a naturally-tan skin because then, I never have to worry about getting too dark under the sun because I already am, or worry about attempting to get fairer skin that will make me paler than the moon. Having pale skin is overrated.

I am thankful for being genetically skinny and tiny because then, the only thing I have to worry about is keeping my body healthy and strong.

I am thankful for being independent, for being able to freely express my thoughts, for having the chance to share what I have, and for being a free-spirit.

All of these things were actually pointed out to me as my flaws before, and I know there will always be those people who will continuously think of them as flaws. But right now, I am thankful for everything that I am because if not, no one else will (besides my parents, of course haha).

Like me, you can do this, too, but you can do it your own way. Be the amazing person you have always been.

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One Day

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One day you will forget
how much I love you
how much I need you
how much you mean to me.

You will forget
that I have always wanted you
that I have always cared about you
that I can’t live without you.

And when that day comes,
I hope you remember
that you are my world,
my entire universe.

And I will always wait for you,
Even in the afterlife
And I know it’s going to worth it
Even if I die a million times.

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I Loved Him


 

In my younger years, there was this person, and I loved him. It was great, yet it was short lived. It was the kind of love that kept me awake all night long. It was full of fantasies and whimsical ambitions. It was something that old people would consider shallow and pretentious, yet something that would teach us about life.

When I try to go back and relive the memories, I realize how badly I have treated that person who once made me smile. I wasn’t his first, but he was mine, and I thought I could love him the same way forever.

I have reached that point in my life when I started considering that person I loved for the first time as the one that got away. I loved him. I am sure of that. Yet, my love for him was not enough. It was not the kind of love that would move mountains, nor the kind of love that would make me cross oceans. It was the kind of love that made me seize the day and enjoyed everything while it lasted.

Letting him go was very easy for me. I already knew back then that he deserved someone better. I loved him, but I knew that I wasn’t the one for him…that no matter how many times he tried to tell me that we were meant to be, it would never work out the way he thought it would.

I loved him, and I let him go. But, this doesn’t mean I regret anything. I no longer feel the same love I had for him now, because there is already someone filling up the space he used to have in my heart. In fact, this person fills up the space that is bigger than the one he had. Despite all these, I would always carry a piece of his memory at the back of my mind, and I would never forget that once in my life, I loved him.

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Summer Love

“We can’t possibly have a summer love. So many people have tried that the name’s become proverbial. Summer is only the unfulfilled promise of spring, a charlatan in place of the warm balmy nights I dream of in April. It’s a sad season of life without growth…It has no day.” 
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise 

Anything

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I envy the people who get to

see your beautiful face

hear your raspy, sexy voice

smell the sweet scent of your skin

I would give anything

just to be with you

to lie awake next to you

and stare at your beautiful green eyes

I would do anything

just to be one of those people

who get to be with you

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Dream

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I dreamed of a brighter day

but it didn’t last

I also craved for the dark

Because in it I found solace

I dreamed of rainbow colors

but black and white

made my life way better

and opened me more doors

I dreamed of milk chocolates

but it was too sweet

and I am bitter

So I asked for tight corsets

I dreamed of a pink cotton candy

but it was too cute and fluffy

which was not the one I needed

not unless it was a bottle of brandy

I dreamed of life-sized teddy bears

because they do not die

they do not wither

like a bouquet of flowers

I have never truly dreamed

of anything real besides him

because he was the dream

that came true without me wishing.

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Worries

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Arms wrapped around her nakedness

She feels you weaken in the morning air

Squeezing her until you feel safe

Because you find comfort

in her pain

Eyes closed

All of your worries are gone for a while

And she pours her heart bit by bit into your hands

As you see her dive into a pool of tears

Heart beats

Rapid and slow at the same time

You are her world

and she would give up everything for you.

Pretending you don’t care

You punish her for her love

You know she is tired and will leave you at some point

Yet you hold on to her promise that she will be back

And she will

because whatever you do

and whatever she has to go through

she will keep coming back for you.

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Slow Down

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You twist and you turn
Like a rod in a keyhole
Deep, forced and unfit
You tease me
As you find bliss in my coyness
You toast
That burning desire in me
You thrust
And I feel you slow down a little
Like a knife
You cut right through me
And I could hear the phoenix crying somewhere
And the mandarin ducks have just stopped singing
A murder of crows are waiting
at the end of the line
They could hear you
They could hear us
Slow down, my love
It’s not yet time.

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Life Priorities

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Don’t tell me to get a life
because my life doesn’t revolve around you
You aren’t the center of my universe
You aren’t the moon to my sun
Nor the milky way to my galaxy
But you should know that
In my list of priorities,
You’re on the topmost part of it.

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On Waiting

HorizontalBar_1“You’ll find another.’
God! Banish the thought. Why don’t you tell me that ‘if the girl had been worth having she’d have waited for you’? No, sir, the girl really worth having won’t wait for anybody.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

What  would happen if you keep waiting? …if you keep hoping that he would come around, and do everything he could to reach out to you? What if you are just waiting for nothing? You are a beautiful person with a kind and caring heart. You deserve someone better…someone who would appreciate you and someone who would do anything just to keep you.

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When Love Means Pain

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Sometimes how you see a person is different from how another person sees him…and what’s worse is, sometimes that person isn’t who you think he really is even when you think you have known him for a long, long time.

And, if you love that person, you would always see the best in him even when everyone thinks he’s the worst person in the world…and you would stay with him even when he’s the one pushing you away.

Love should never be based on how long or short you have known each other. It should never be measured by how much you can give and how often you can sacrifice. It should never be about proving something to people.

People are inclined to question a lot of things. It is inevitable. Sometimes they take a toll on your being. They get on your nerves. But if you’re certain about your feeling, then you should never be bothered by them.

Love isn’t always amazing. It is bloody. It is a battlefield. There is so much pain attached to it. It’s always up to you to deal with it. You don’t have to be scared even when it makes you want to crumble down on your knees. Love is not for the weak, they say. So, stand your ground if you really want it. Pain is momentary but what comes after it vanishes will be all worth it.

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Appreciation

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You may have not noticed

the way my eyes light up

with adoration

when you smile

You may have not felt

the way you touch my heart

the second

you produce a sound

I am sure you haven’t

and you will never have

unless I make it apparent

but one day,

I know

you will no longer be around

and I don’t want to wait

until that day to tell you

that I appreciate

every inch of you.

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Because Love

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You should never forget
how much I love you
You never have to worry
if I care about you as much as you do
Never doubt
whether I think about you every single second
Because love,
I do.
And you never have to do these things,
Because love,

it is mine to deal with
It is mine to battle against
My mountain to climb
And I don’t want you to waste your time
Because love,
It is me who always forget
that I love you
And I worry if I still care about you.
Because love,
when the pain is too much
we don’t have a choice
but to forget we have felt something in the first place.

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Love is a Place for You and Me.



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Love.

Do you know that there is a special place just above the sky

that is designed especially for the two of us?

A place where the oceans meet

             where the clouds overlap

             where the stars and the moons reside

             where a thousand suns illuminate your eyes

             where millions of roses rest under your feet.

There, you can find a waterfall named after your tears

A river where all of your dreams may come true

A castle stands in the middle of the sea

floating above the waters so you could walk without using your feet.

This place I am telling you is made out of love

A love that is stronger than the wind in a stormy night

A love that even the deadliest warrior in history of all histories can never destroy

A love that is just for you and me.HorizontalBar_2

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Metanoia

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A flowerless mimosa pudica

lays untouched

in the middle of the desert

parched and gasping

waiting to be moved

by your Ferocactus

so fleshy and succulent

ginormous and stretched

It makes it want to wish

it was a dandelion

fulfilling what you crave

There is something in you

that makes it want to fit in

to blend in

Your power over it is staggering

transforming

life changing

because that is what you are.

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Repression

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The sun rises

A smile shines out of my eyes

        as I look out the window

The grass seems greener

        than they have ever been

Dandelions get blown by the wind

        and I wish for just one thing

I look back at what has transpired

Broken tables

Wine splattered on the carpet floor

Clothes scattered everywhere

The roses you send every day

        still bloom like they were freshly picked from your garden

I feel every trace of ink on the letter

        that comes with it

Heavy breathing

I am feeling you

Every inch of you

Every beat of your heart

I wish I could touch you

I wish I could make love to you

       at this very moment

I wish I could tell you

       that underneath these clothes

I am naked.

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I Thought of You

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I thought of you
quite a lot of times today

As I tried to open my eyes
and get off my bed

As I fought the cold water
that ran through my bare shoulders

As I survived the traffic jam
on my way to work

And as a stranger in a dark alley
grabbed and took away

Everything I had been willing to give you.

Yes.

I thought of you.

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Storm

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The Weather Forecast this morning
says there is a storm coming
I am curled up in my bed
with you inside my head
This bad weather
is nothing
Compared to the storm
that has been going on for months
Here in my heart.

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Dreaming

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A lightweight object
sat on my face
As I dreamt about you
tonight

I felt two strong arms

around my tiny body
One on my back
The other on my hips.

I thought I was flying
then I remembered I had no wings
I fell
My face on the ground.

I opened my eyes
to find nothing but darkness
I looked around
You were nowhere to be found.

Tonight,
I dreamt about you again.
Tonight,
I was making love with you.

Again.
And again.
And again.
And yet again.

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Urges

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You had been waiting for this exact moment
You were apart for far too long
And now she was at the door
You ran towards her
And pushed her against the wall
You forgot how cold the concrete wall was

You touched her lips with your right hand
As your left hand began to wander and found its way to her left leg
You looked at her and lifted her up
Her legs around your waist
You started biting her neck
You sucked
And sucked
And she moaned
And moaned
And moaned
She called out
She whispered into your ear
She asked you to stop
You realized
Maybe it was too much
You began to move slowly
You bowed down
And dropped to your knees
You looked at her
Stared into those beautiful brown orbs you have always loved
Her eyes were pleading
Begging
Her morals
Her faith
Her belief
Her everything
You almost let her lose all of that
Just because of your misery
Being away from her was hard
She knew that
If it was hard for you
It was more difficult for her
You touched her face
Tears streaming down like waterfalls
You leaned in and planted a kiss on her sweaty forehead
You locked her in your arms
And squeezed her tightly
No words were needed
But she knew
She knew how much that meant
How much strength you had
To be like that to her
She felt it
And so she pushed you against the wall
She touched your lips with her right hand
As her left hand began to wander
She wrapped her arms around you
She started biting your neck
She sucked
And sucked
And you moaned
And moaned
And moaned
You whispered her name
You made her stop
You looked at each other’s eyes
Drowning yourselves
You turned around because it was too much
You were conflicted
Frustrated
You did not know what to do
It was too good to be true
You sat down at the end of your bed
Your hands covered your face
You felt the bed sunk a little
You turned your head and looked at her
She was smiling
The smile you had been craving to see on her face
A tear fell down
And that was it.
That was the sign.

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An Open Letter to The One That Got Away

My love.
Life has been tough for the both of us. I am tired. And I know you are tired. You have slowly drifted away from me and we have grown apart.
We are both lost and confused. We do not know where we are heading. The promises we have made have now turned into broken stones. The dreams we have woven in our head together and the goals we have set for us to achieve hands in hands have now become a piece of memory that has seemed to be forever kept in the depths of our hearts.
I love you…so much.
And I will forever love you.
I miss you a lot these days.
I miss waking up to your smile and you constantly asking me if I slept well at night.
I miss your "good mornings."
I miss the way you wrap your big arms around my tiny, quivering body…the way you hold me close to your chest, my warm morning breath against your neck and your soft lips planted on my forehead.
I miss your quick goodbyes when you leave our "home" every day to go to work I know you dread so much. I know that if you only had a chance, you would rather stay by my side and cuddle the whole day without worrying or being anxious that we might not be able to live the next day.

I miss the food you make for me and I miss making food for you.

I miss your subtle kisses, your wholesome touches, as well as your passionate advances.

I miss the way you look at me as though you could never love another.

I miss the times you would tell me I was the best because I take good care of you, whether you're sick, drunk or just sober and making things up.

I miss seeing your funny dances and weird faces when you know I am sad.

I miss your random text messages and video calls while you take a break from work and you're on the street buying some food or drinks, or when you're on your way back home…your way back to me.

Because I have been your home and you have been my home.

We have been each others' home.
And we have failed to notice how we have grown too comfortable with each others' presence that the things we used to do for each other, the things that used to make both of us happy, have now become invaluable.

My love…
I miss you terribly and it has been hard.
It has always been hard for both of us.
The only difference between then and now is that…
Back then, it was only the physical distance that separates us.
Now…
There's emotional distance between us.
It has only been more than a week but I am still longing. I am longing for you, my love.
I am not going to ask you to stay because I want you to find your way. I want you to find your happiness even if it means not sharing that happiness with me.
I want you to find your purpose.
I want you to discover what else is there for you in life.
I want you to love yourself, to feel secure and confident with yourself.
I want you to pray even when you don't believe in what it can do for you.
I want you to work on yourself while I work on mine.
Please focus on yourself and don't keep making the same mistakes.
I want you to be better, not for me, but for you.
My love,
I want you to know that I will always be here for you. Even when we stop communicating every day…even when we no longer see each other…even when we start loving another.
I want you to know that you are my angel. Despite your flaws, your doubts, your pessimism…I will always see the best in you. I accept all of you. I forgive you.
And in the end,
I still hope you find your way…your way back to me. I love you. I always will.

Even when you start telling me you don't love me anymore. I still always do.

Maybe in two weeks, in two months or in two years, we would have moved on. But I don't ever want to look forward to the day we both find another person to love. 

Because for me, my love, you are irreplaceable.

Out of Love

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I’ve been trying not to because I know how frustrated this would make me. So many times I find myself coming to a conclusion that I should stop. We should stop…but then I also have this tendency to convince myself to give it a try, go with the flow and see where this will take me.
I find myself falling for the things I get to know about you day by day, and it is weird how I also fall for the things I haven’t known about you yet. I keep seeing the good and the best in you, and while I am not sure if this is a good thing to do, I have also been trying to discover the worst things about you. I want to be convinced that you, despite your almost-perfect qualities, also possess something dark and diabolical.
I want something to convince me that I do not and should not like you. I want to see something that would easily and immediately make me stop from getting close to you.
But then, I am failing…
I’ve seen the things I do not like about you, personality-wise, yet I am still drawn to you. I’ve come to like even the seemingly ugliest side of you.
You.
You constrain my eudaimonia; yet you make my soul flourish.
You make my thoughts all rumbled up; yet you keep me sane.
You make my heart create its own fantasy-based reality; yet you are the reason my heart flutters like it has its own pair of wings every time.
A thousand miles…
That is all it has to take. I need air. I cannot breathe.
You’re getting too close.
I am getting too close.
We…are getting too close.
I am not liking the electric feeling that is radiating from you towards me across the pacific.
What do we call this? This isn’t love. It is too early to fall in love. But isn’t it also too early to fall out of love?